Porn & Alzheimer’s

B.R.

My 87-year-old dad has Alzheimer’s (lives at home with my 88-year-old mom.) I checked his browser history because my mom is as wondering about some unexplained Patreon charges on his credit card. I was shocked and repulsed to find a ton of porn sites! This is NOT the father who raised me and has been a faithful loving husband to my for over 50 years. What should I do???

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Rescue mom

Ditto to what Victoria said. It’s not so much the porn—many/most dementia patients lose inhibitions and “filters” so they do and say things that were unthinkable before. That’s kind of SOP, you have to learn to let it roll off your back…

What’s alarming is that he has such access to money. You don’t know how much he may have already spent, or on what. Some here have lost high six-figures in situations like this, before they realized what was happening.

jmlarue

Wipe the computer. Delete the browsing history, cache, cookies, and saved passwords for a start. Look into the "parental lock" options on the browser to prevent him from going to X-rated sites. 

Next, your mother needs to lock down the financials. Debit cards and credit cards need to be removed from his care and control either by having them taken out of his name or by placing extremely low limits on any transactions. If your mother does not have a bank account in her own name alone, get her one. She will need to sweep any excess funds from joint checking/savings into her bank account at least monthly to protect them both. Don't overlook locking down the ability of him or anyone else applying for credit by doing a "credit lock" through the credit reporting agencies like Experian, TransUnion and Equifax. Those can be lifted if you mother should need to apply for credit sometime down the road. 

If it hasn't been done already, your parents need to take care of advance planning issues with a Certified Elder Law Attorney. It's crucial that they have a will and both have signed Durable Powers of Attorney for someone (like you) appointed to handle their health care and financial decisions when they are unable to speak for themselves. Your father may or may not be competent to sign those papers given his diagnosis of ALZ. The attorney will be able to assess that and advise. The attorney will also advise on asset preservation and how to pay for long-term care costs should either parent require it down the road.

Lastly, if your father is still driving, make absolutely sure he is still competent to do so. Insurance companies will often refuse to pay for accidents involving a client diagnosed with ALZ. That leaves your parents vulnerable to lawsuits that could wipe them out financially. If you don't know how safely he is driving, do a ride along to assess. Stopping a man with ALZ from driving can be a challenge, but it's absolutely necessary at some point to do so. Neither you or your mother can afford to give him the benefit of the doubt.

harshedbuzz

B.R.-

Your dad's access to the internet needs to be removed. If he's the lone internet user cancel that service. In the meantime, you might be able to slip it into airplay mode or drop an open can of Coke on it. Whatever it takes. Nothing good can come of this. My dad day-traded away $350K that would have come in handy for his care in stage 6. 

If mom needs access, change the wifi password and tell him a fiblet about the internet being out. 

Much as I don't like porn, I would not clutch my pearls over this unfiltered behavior. My bigger concern would be is lack of judgment leading him into illegal sites like those that exploit children. You really don't want him caught up in a sweep of such an investigation. This lack of judgment could have dire consequences around phone scammers. 

HB

dayn2nite2

I agree there are 2 huge concerns here - the access to money and the possibility of him entering very, VERY illegal content and causing himself and your mother legal problems.

He absolutely cannot have access to anything like a credit card, checking account or PayPal any longer.  That's first.

Second, the computer probably needs to be disabled totally to keep him from accessing.  I'm not "anti-porn" but I am concerned his lack of judgment will cause him to access or share illegal and exploitative content.

If your mother does not pay bills online then make the computer disappear.  He will be angry but if you want you can tell him you know what kind of content he's looking at.

If she does pay things online, she may need to move to using a smartphone to do that or possibly having you assist from your location with bills in an automated way.

Jo C.

Some good information given.   Also; when the filters go and such behaviors begin, it is often due to damage to the frontal lobe of the brain.  There is medication that can be helpful if the topic seems to be something he is fixated on; once the computer has had such sites blocked, he may transfer fixation onto something else.  Let his dementia specialist know of the issue next appointment, or if the fixation continues to be problematic in other ways, make a call to the specialist or make an appointment to be seen. 

J.

Chow Fun is Life

My father 80, the caregiver to my mother 83, with mid-late stage vascular dementia, apparently doesn't know how to clear his browsing history on YouTube. 

We recently purchased flip phones for both of them for simplicity since they both failed when I asked them to dial 911 on their smartphones. I suggested viewing videos on YouTube to familiarize them with their new flip phones and to my surprise the browsing history was full of porn. All three of us were looking at the screen, my father was on hold with the their internet provider and mom was in a non-lucid moment, and I pretended like it didn't phase me in the slightest. It was extremely obvious that this search content isn't porn that mom searched as she wouldn't be able to even figure out how to get to the YouTube app. I have concluded that my father is lonely in this world living with a person who has slipped away and it's very sad. However, this is can be an insidious addiction and it's concerning. 

Chow Fun is Life

My father 80, the caregiver to my mother 83, with mid-late stage vascular dementia, apparently doesn't know how to clear his browsing history on YouTube. 

We recently purchased flip phones for both of them for simplicity since they both failed the test when I asked them to dial 911 on their smartphones. I suggested viewing videos on YouTube to familiarize them with their new flip phones and to my surprise the browsing history was full of porn. All three of us were looking at the screen, my father was on hold with the their internet provider and mom was in a non-lucid moment, and I pretended like it didn't phase me in the slightest. 

It was extremely obvious that this search content isn't porn that mom searched as she wouldn't be able to even figure out how to get to the YouTube app. I have concluded that my father is lonely in this world living with a person who has slipped away and it's very sad. However, this can be an insidious addiction and it's concerning. 

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Chow Fun is Life

Victoria,

Thank you for your message. I typed a very detailed response and when I clicked "Post" an error message occurred and I lost it. Arhggggggg!! 

I'm too exhausted to retype all the important points and specifics. Note to self: Copy before clicking "Post"

I need some chow fun stat!