Help with changing subject

HWS

Can anyone help me. My Husband has dementia. Diagnosed 4 years ago. He is stuck on a certain subject. He wants to do something that we have told him its not reasonable to do. That he doesn't need to do it. He keeps getting anger with us. He withdraws into himself after his argument. I don't like seeing him withdraw like that but we can't get him off the subject. It involves his obsession with wanting to talk to other people to tell them to do this job for him. I could go into details further but I just need to know how to get him off this subject. Tried to change to something else but he just keeps coming back again and again.

Arrowhead

The best thing to do is to find ways to play into whatever is going on in his mind. My wife went through that when she was obsessed with returning to her childhood home and seeing her parents. I caused both of us a lot of anxiety trying to convince her it was impossible. When I told her that we would be going there soon or that they would be visiting us soon, it didn't stop her from her obsession, but at least it made dealing with it easier on both of us. Keep trying until you find something that works.

Lizzielou

HWS

This is exactly what I am dealing with too.  He is laser focused on something he cannot do because it is a safety issue.  He make my life miserable because not only will he dwell on it all day but will refuse to cooperate with anything else I try to do.  No exercise, no socialization, no activities.  He’d rather sit in front of the TV and sulk.  I don’t have an answer.  The best I can do now is get away from him, walk around the block, go to the store, a quick trip to the library, etc.  I have to remind myself that I am in charge.  There is no reasoning, explaining or bargaining with him. 

Wish I could be more helpful but it is comforting to know others are dealing with the same issue. Best wishes.

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Joydean

HWS, hi and welcome. I agree with what Cecil said. Does your dh know who the people are that he wants to do the job he is wanting done? It doesn’t matter if it’s something that you don’t think needs doing, your dh is the one that believes it does. So you have to help him and not correct him. You can tell him you will call them for him and of course you have to leave a message. He may then forget about what ever it was. As long as you are telling him no, the more he will stay focused on doing it. Best of luck to you! You can do this! It’s not easy for any of us, but we just keep trying and learning from all the people on this road!

HWS

He knows them. I tried telling him that they wouldn't be able to do the project he wants but he keeps saying that he will tell them how to do it. I have even told him that I talked to them and that we would talk later about it. He would keep on asking when will they talk to me. I thought that he would forget it but he doesn't. I thought of asking one of them to come and talk to him. Just to see if it would get it off of his mind. I feel awkward telling someone, that is not family, to make up something, or to go along with something that's not true. I don't think they would truly understand how to cope with the pretense. Especially if it had to be repeated over and over again.

sandwichone123

You could try telling him that they're sick, or out of town or working a lot of overtime--whatever will buy some time--yes, we're going to do this, but not right now--soon--is the mood you want to set.

It's not that he can't do it, it's just that he can't right now, for reasons that have nothing to do with anyone here. Certainly it's not because he is incapable, because he does not perceive himself as incapable at all--he knows he's doing fine!

harshedbuzz

HWS-

My dad often got fixated on remodeling projects that weren't possible-- laws of physics level impossible. Rather than attempting to reason with a man who'd had a serious cognitive shift, I tried to frame it as him trying to maintain who he was, remain useful, and connect with those around him. 

In your shoes, I would take the delay strategy.

"They'd love to do the project, but there are supply chain issues around material availability, so they'll get back to us when that's no longer a problem."

Rinse and repeat. Then I'd ask a question to redirect. If he was a DIYer previously, I might glowingly praise a project he'd done in the past or maybe you could ask him about finishes or details for the project and let him talk. After a time, you can maybe redirect to offering a snack or treat. 

I get that the constant fixation and chatter about a nonsensical project is crazy-making, but it's what he has to work with now. Since the ability to read emotion is still intact, it's better to mask your irritation and impatience. 

HB

MaryG123

My husband is fixated on buying a sports car, and spends hours on line looking.  I used to worry that he would actually buy one, which we can’t afford, but now that I’ve made sure he can’t access the funds, I just let him obsess. Sometimes I ask him about pros and cons, speed, color etc. and sometimes I change the subject.  It’s annoying, but harmless.

Faith,Hope,Love

My DH is fixated with the grocery store and returning items.  He tries to find empty food packages and returns them for a gift card.  I'm very careful to hide empty packages from him but he always finds a couple for our weekly shopping trip.  So, I had a chat with the store manager and explained the situation.  The manager totally understood my predicament as his mother suffers from Alz.  So, he lets DH return his items and I confiscate the gift cards and return them to the manager.  DH is happy thinking he made money and the store does not lose any money.  Everybody's happy.