When to ask children for support?

JC5

Year two into DH dementia. Our children have been kept informed throughout this process. I am that person that never wants to burden my kids with “how I feel or how I am dealing or maybe just ask me - Mom how are things? They are young have children of their own and very involved in their childrens lives and building their own. My parents and sibling died young, DH never home with work and volunteer commitments so I only relied on myself. Beginning to feel the entire family feels I can handle everything as they never reach out. How do I approach this sensitive subject with my children?

Crushed

Ive been on this road for 12 years. DW has been in memory care for 5 years  My two wonderful daughters have 5 young children and  full time jobs .  I ask occasionally for administrative support with memory care when I travel 

I have a very good therapist siblings and friends.  IMHO what you need from your children is love and affection which is fine .  support  is something else and much harder to come by in an inter generational environment   When my children realized that DW was completely gone mentally (4 years ago) they both made it clear they were fine if I wanted to find companionship. 

I have  dinner companions my age I can cook for.  My daughters say I only ever had one move with women and it was "through the kitchen"    (It worked with DW 50 years ago )

Therapy also helps

 

Rick4407

Hello JC.  My DW has 2 children.   One is 2 hours away and calls 2x per year and visits for 45 minutes 2x per year.  Not involved and does not want to be,  The other works in Europe and wants and tries to be supportive, calls every 10 days or so visits 2x per year.

You will have to ask, probably for small things at first.   As they become aware of you DH's condition they may pull back or try to help more.  Some depends on their commitments, family, work, etc.  Some cannot handle seeing a parent is such a compromised position.  Start slow and see how it goes, but you will have to ask.   Just like dementia, kids are all different.  Good luck.

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Crushed

I'm sorry I think we are confusing HELP and SUPPORT.  I read the OP as needing emotional support (I can be wrong)   
 but I think we need to be as clear as possible

Joydean

JC, hi. You said you have kept your children informed all this time. When you are informing them are you doing it in person, or are you just texting? As you know people can’t tell your emotions from a text. They can when they hear your voice. We have a son and 2 daughters, they all have very demanding careers and children with activities to attend. I have always had a very close relationship with my kids and they can tell from the sound of my voice when things are hard. When I tell them I’m okay they all will simply say I’m coming out this evening or be there in the morning. The closest one is 1 1/2 hours away. They say mom you’re always here for us and we are a family!   I can only suggest you actually talk to your kids. I don’t mean this to sound mean, but they can’t read your mind. Just talk to them, they may honestly have no idea how much you want them to help or just be with you for a while. Try talking to them! Just reach out to them! They could very well be waiting for you to involve them.

Stuck in the middle

When I was 17, a pretty girl looked me in the eye and said "You should always ask for what you want, Carl.  You might get it."  It was good advice.

Quilting brings calm

The time is now.  If they are local, start asking them to come stay with him while you run an errand or visit a friend.   Tell them you need break times.   Truthfully ‘ keeping them informed’ isn’t the same as actually understanding the situation.  They will only understand it if they spend  time with him without you.  Have you read about scaffolding? It’s the ability of a spouse to cover for the person with dementia, intentionally or not.  

Local or not, start recording him on your smart phone  and send recordings to them.  Things like repetitive questions, or tantrums.  

Suggest they look at the caregiver forum.   Lots of children of people with dementia there.  24/7, or handling things  for a parent in assisted living, is even though who live sone distance away.  

Give specifics about  his condition.  Mention his deficits, and tell them ‘ I think he is in stage x of 7.  send them this link 

 https://www.alzinfo.org/understand-alzheimers/clinical-stages-of-alzheimers/

JC5

Thank you. This board always has such great advice. Agreed I need to speak up and stop thinking I can handle it all and continue to protect them.  As of now I need more emotional support. Ask how I’m doing. Ask what you can do. I’m sure as time passes I will need both support and help. I am going to tell my kids they need to spend more time with their Dad now!

Thanks everyone.

dayn2nite2

JC5 wrote: I am going to tell my kids they need to spend more time with their Dad now!  Thanks everyone.

This is still a vague "ask."  Tell them "I need to go to the doctor on Wednesday XXX and I need you to stay with your father from 1 pm to 4 pm"

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