It has been one week since my DW went into MC.

Vitruvius

First I want to thank Beachfan for her posts about placing her DH.  Those posts helped me with coming to my own acceptance of having to place my DW.  I have posted before as to why I placed her so I won't go through that again.  Suffice to say she needed more care than I could sustain despite the fact that I have always loved her dearly and wish it didn't have to be this way. 

I have visited DW everyday from the first day.  She is always glad to see me.  For well over a year she did not know me much of the time, but since she started Seroquel/Quetiapine she has pretty consistently known me as her husband.  Yet she has never directly questioned being there or asked to go home.  She has not commented on the fact that she only sees me for a few hours a day.  Well not until today actually.  She made some comments today which seem to indicate she knows something is different.  As we walked the gardens she said "Are you still going to love me?" without any further context.  A bit later she said "What is happening to us now?"  These are more coherent than most other comments she makes since she has Semantic Dementia.  So I presume she senses the difference in her life but is too cognitively impaired to really understand it.  Of course this was heartbreaking to me and I did my best to reassure her that I am always here for her and will always love her.

I am very pleased with the care she has, The aides really seem to care about their charges and are very gently and kind when interacting with my wife.  Everyone at the facility has learned her name even cleaners and cooks  say Hi and use her name as they pass her.  This leads me to suggest a question for prospective MCFs that I did not ask but I observed at DW's MCF.  They have arranged daily shifts such that they overlap and there is always someone who has been with my DW for several days.  There is no weekday-weekend division.  Same with activities.  I noted that all the other places I looked at had a reduced activity schedule on the weekend, but not this MCF, the weekends have the same daily live music, exercises, and other activities.  BTW, I have included a photo of a portion of the gardens at the facility.

DW began a noticeable decline starting just a week or so before she entered the MC and her neurologist wants to have her assessed thinking the decline might have been caused by TIA's or Silent Seizures.  We'll see.

This leads me to my final observation. For anyone thinking that they may at some point want to place your LO, I strongly recommend you not only investigate MCFs but get on a wait list even if it means a deposit on one or two of your favorite place(s).  But then of course you will be left with a dilemma.  If the MCF only has rooms come up every few months you may have to decide whether you want to place preemptively or wait until the next room comes up which may be after a crisis.  This was my dilemma and I almost placed her at a second choice MCF.  Thank goodness it didn't work out.  And not long after I committed to the placement at my preferred MCF the noticeable decline I mention above happened and I knew I was fortunate a room came up in the nick of time.  As they say "Hope for the Best, Plan for the Worst."

I begin my new hollow life, and I do question whether I made the right choice.  I know intellectually that I did, but my emotions haven't quite caught up.

jmlarue

Beautiful garden for walks. Also sounds like they have an excellent, detail-oriented management team who put the resident's comfort first. Finding quality care for our LOs can be the toughest challenge and so important to our peace of mind. Looks like you found a real gem.

There's quite a few of us here who are plodding through these early days of adjusting to life as a single. I'm just coming up on 3 weeks with DH being in the hospital awaiting permanent placement. It's a radical lifestyle change, going from every minute of every day being consumed by caregiving DH, to days that have no demands on my time except to feed and water the pets. I have absolutely no desire to cook meals for one. The nights are long and lonely. I've spent a lifetime doing for others and don't really know what to do just for me now. Definitely an altered reality that's going to take some getting used to.

Just Bill

Hey jmlarue get out of the house take a yoga class, painting or sculpting class whatever. Get out of the house and join the YWCA. Get out and start rebuilding your life.

Ed1937

It sounds like you struck gold with that place. I'm thrilled for both of you.

Yes, getting used to a new life will take time. It has been 2 1/2 months since my wife passed, and I have a hard time thinking of myself as single. But we're all going to make it.

toolbeltexpert

Vitruvius  you made the right call I have those same questions and doubts and it is undoubtedly the hardest thing to do, letting go. Your choice sounds extremely nice, your comments about how the staff treat your dw sound like heaven. I am wondering is it private pay?  it's none of my business I know, I am just wondering.

Well it's been almost 2 weeks since placement but 2 months since she left.  Like JMLARUE it's lonely here at night. Cats are feed laundry done, seems like just the mechanics of life. I do want to do some cooking, I want to try to make my wife's chesse cake. I thought my weight  loss had stopped but it is still creeping downward. I am 5'11 168lbs so I can stand to loses a few more pounds. I was 184 2 months ago. I never feel hungry or crave more after eating. Miss the conversations and intimacy of the life that will never be the same. I go to sleep every night watching the reality show Alone. I just set the timer for 60 minutes and rewind each night..

Vitruvius

TBE, yes it is private pay. I am fortunate to be able to private pay and would never qualify for Medicaid (unless I develop a gambling addiction or take up day trading).

That said I looked at a dozen places before I found this one.

TBE, I'm glad you are taking an interest in things like cooking. So far I have been unable to motivate myself to take an interest in anything. 

Beachfan

Dear Vitruvius, 

Thank you for your kind words. It’s encouraging to know that I could be of some help. I truly empathize with everyone who posts (and those who don’t), who are thinking about placement, facing imminent placement, or have recently placed a LO, and all those in between.  Your DH’s new “home” looks beautiful, very inviting, and your description of staff, facility, and day to day operations is encouraging.  Much like my DH’s MCF, all the boxes are checked.  

The quiet at night and being alone takes some getting used to, more for some than for others.  (I have 7 grandkids within walking distance, so there’s always activity as a diversion in my life.) I’m not sure I would be as content if I were truly alone, but at least knowing that DH is in a good place would be comforting.  At almost 10 months in, I sometimes still question my decision, but as you pointed out, it’s emotional in nature.  I wish you the best.