Adult Children -Support vs Help

ThisLife

The post on "When to ask children for Help" brought up what has become for me a very important distinction.  I recognize that this may be for a s somewhat limited audience as there are those on the forum that do not even have this option to consider.

 Is it help or support that is expected?  My personal experience was as a part time caregiver for my DMIL who had cancer twice and a primary caregiver for my M (post-polio syndrome and cancer) and my FIL (dementia.) Sandwiched between raising children, having a career was the ever-growing list of needs for elders. Asking for help that usually did not manifest and managing to keep all the plates spinning.

I too had kept my son updated and was very realistic about what was happening. My H is 8 yrs. with Alzheimer’s. Years 1-3 we lived in the same city. Years 5-7 DS and family moved across country, and there were four, week-long visits.

DS asked us to move from NV to FL so he and family could help. In all honesty what he described is “support.” In my mind I thought “help.” Right now, I’d take either.

I’m having buyers’ remorse as I prefer desert to swamp. I had plenty of “support” and even a bit of help from friends I moved away from. Family is mostly MIA when the rubber meets the road. In fairness my DS is a VP for a large construction company and grandsons are in high school and college with many activities. I don’t think my son understood the realities of caregiving.

I just share this as a way of saying it is better to have deliberate and detailed conversations about expectations. Put a plan in writing so everyone is clear what expectations are.

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Crushed

In our family we distinguish between physical and financial help  and a variety of types of support. 

I have a granddaughter with a genetic impairment .  for her both support and help will be very important  (due to the special tax treatment of IRAs for "disabled" persons I have made special arrangements for her..  details if anyone is interested)

I have assured my daughters that they will never need to help me financially but i do appreciate support. They are very grateful for the financial help they receive but insist that I not skimp myself or DW. 

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Crushed

Cecil J wrote:

I actually feel foolish, I've never separated the two words...help/support always meant the same to me. I see now the majority sees differently. Maybe it was from the army, if we called for either...the calvary came running. I need to be more careful on how I respond to post and how I ask questions. I did ask Crushed a question about his Lecture in Berlin coming up...I totally got an answer I wasn't expecting. I think now I didn't ask the question the right way to get the answer I was looking for. I assure the people on this site I never mean to anger, put down or assume I know more than any. I hope when you read something I write and you start shaking your head and asking, what in the world does he mean? Tell yourself it's a Cecil's "moo point" and laugh! Thanks for all of your insites, very helpful on this journey.

I'm working on the Berlin lecture what do you need ?

The military of course uses the term "support"  in many different ways 

Naval gun fire support for example 

Rescue mom

Huh. This subject is interesting. I’m another who never thought too much about the difference, although it helps me see my shortcomings better, when I get antsy at having to comb through “support” to find “help.” 

I can find tons of support (as I understand it here and now) for our Alzheimer’s issues IRL and virtual, no problem. And I am grateful for that.

Much, much harder to find, for many legit reasons, is “help,” which in this case I mostly consider 1. hands-on, or 2.Straightforward advice and direction.

This hands-on, physical help is hard to ask for b/c we know our families and LOs have other things going on. And, certainly,  I’ve been surprised to find that while I thought I was obviously saying I need help, but others thought  I was chatting? Or informing? (Without starting a different battle here,  I think women pick up on such things better, or maybe better at interpretation );

Anyway, it also reminds me of what Ashley Judd said at her mothers funeral. (Mom Naomi died from suicide, after a long, open battle with mental illness):

“We can pretend to care, but we cannot pretend to show up.” 

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ThisLife

I appreciate the input everyone has given to this topic. Thinking about what I am asking for has even a few more branches than I thought about. I need to write down for myself what I'm really wanting and then discuss this with my son.  Thank you wonderful people.