Completely failed my mother

Fardwarks

Less than 60 days after my mother was moved into AL (diagnosed with Alzheimer's in early 2022), she is gone.  Living 10+ hours away from my parents, I tried to put aside my reservations about dad moving her to AL since he (age 81) was doing all the caregiving and I was not there on a regular basis to see exactly how she had declined over the past 2 years.  Within one week at AL she went from responsive, feeding herself, dressing herself (with some minor assistance), and somewhat mobile (although limited by arthritis), to unresponsive, not eating/drinking, not getting dressed, fighting staff, verbally assaulting dad, and immobile.

Hospitalized twice in 3 weeks for dehydration but then released immediately back to AL, I managed to help dad get her admitted to a nearby hospital at the end of July for psychiatric evaluation and evaluation with an on-site palliative care team to work on her medications and comfort level so that ultimately a more appropriate facility/option (nursing facility, etc.) could be found for her.  She rallied briefly in their care, but within 10 days had declined again to the point that she was no longer responsive to anyone/anything.  No changes in medication/care seemed to have an effect.  Then she passed away.

I thought I would have time to do more, to help more, to be a better advocate.  But I completely failed her in every way imaginable. 

Quilting brings calm

With respect, I do not think you failed her.  

First there are many types of dementia and many rates of decline.  Some are so quick that the person barely gets diagnosed and they are gone while others take a decade.  Some  people are so young and physically healthy that their body hangs on when the mind is gone, others vice versa.   My MIL did not have dementia, nor even many physical issues.  She died unexpectedly at 87- in her bed watching a game show.

Second - the reality of  everyone is that life/ death happens while we are making other plans.  We spoke to my FIL two days before he died. We didn’t  expect him to die  two days later even though he had emphysema. In addition, your dad could no longer take care of her and she could just as easily declined that quickly at home.   Or even if you had lived next door. 

I am sorry for your family’s loss, but please don’t take on the burden of guilt like this 

SusanB-dil

Hi Fardwarks - 

so sorry for your loss.  I totally agree with Quilting BC.  I believe you and your dad did all you could for her.

We have said that when it is time, it is time.  A few years ago, FIL had plans the next morning and he was gone.  Agree - do not blame yourself.

Hoot619

Fardwarks, You didn't fail your Mother and also your Dad did the right thing getting her care away from home.  This disease drags everybody down the caregiver like your Dad and also your Mother.   The caregivers don't recognize what is happening to them. Lack of sleep, constant worry about our LO. Trying everything to help them and hardly nothing works.  This disease can take a long time to end and some are lucky enough to go quickly.

I just got my wife changed for the 1at time today and that was at 4 PM. She didn't eat til 4:30 even though she had a sandwich in her lap at 11 AM.  Finally started drink her pop. In the later stages of this disease it is hell on the caregiver.  Think what it is for the LO.  She is yelling now and not knowing or can't say what for. Your Mother is not hurting anymore , would anybody want to live like that.  Take care of your Dad, he's been through a lot . These were suppose to be the Golden Years of retirement and they sure were not.   I hope this helps.  Hoot

​fesk

Fardwarks, I'm very sorry for your loss. 

Please don't blame yourself. It sounds as if you did all you could to help both your parents. This disease is unpredictable, and I think we are all making the best decisions we can based on the information we have at that moment.

harshedbuzz

Fardwarks-

I am sorry for the loss of your dear mom.

The reality is that nobody beats dementia. Dementia always wins. No guilt. Sometimes getting more time with our LOs means they survive into the devastating final stages of the disease for a year or more with no quality of life.

My dad died within 7 weeks of his move to a MCF from a swift-moving case of aspiration pneumonia and I accepted it as a blessing that he died while he was still able to enjoy food, visits from my mom and I and get around on his own. My favorite aunt had died from Alz/VD 3 months before after almost 2 years of being bedbound, hand fed, unable to recognize any family or her BFF gentleman friend from MC and going through phases where she'd stop eating/drinking for weeks and then rebound. 

My mom struggled with the timing. I had a sense that dad wasn't long for this world but my mom and dad's brother just didn't see what I did. I think they loved him so much; they couldn't wrap their mind around the pending loss. 

HB

Northeaster

I too am sorry for the loss of your mom and echo the response by "Quilting brings calm". The path of dementia can be slow and sometimes very fast, leaving us surprised by a sudden downward spiral. It sounds like your mom's disease progressed very quickly over a couple of months. This was not the expected path and beyond everyone's control.

You did not fail your mother. This disease can be unpredictable and your dear mother has been spared months (if not years) of lingering.  Please don't let the temptation to feel guilty, take you away from those who love and need you now. You did not fail her.

jbsiegel

I am very sorry for your loss. It's hard no matter what.

You could not have prevented what happened and it isn't your fault. You did the best you could. Is it possible that your grief is contributing to the feeling that you failed? I hope you are able to find adequate supports as you work through these feelings, but please do not blame yourself. You could not have prevented her death and you didn't contribute to it through negligence or malfeasance.

mommyandme (m&m)

I am so sorry you’re feeling such pain and anguish! I agree that you did NOT fail your mother.  Nor did your dad. Maybe moving from her home gave her permission to move on.  I’m of the belief that when death is near some of us choose when we go.  I wonder if you’re trying to find blame where there is none.  Only dementia is to blame for the loss of our LOs. We do the best we can with what we have and hopefully somehow our LOs know that.  I imagine your mom wouldnt want you to feel so horrible, instead she’d want you to move on with comfort and peace, knowing she’s better off. I hope you and your father can help each other with stage 8.  

I’m so very sorry for the loss of your mom.  This is all so hard. Please please be kind to yourself.  None of her disease and death was your fault. 

ninalu

Fardwarks, 
I want to add my voice to others in gently and clearly saying that you didn't fail your mother.

It is so painful to run out of time with someone we love. I hope you'll be able to let go of the guilt you feel. You are a loving child of your parents and the grief is enough. 

I am so sorry for your loss, and your father's loss, of your dear mom. 

DaveL

 

harshedbuzz wrote:

The reality is that nobody beats dementia. Dementia always wins. No guilt. Sometimes getting more time with our LOs means they survive into the devastating final stages of the disease for a year or more with no quality of life.

  

Your story stopped me in my tracks this morning because I have similar feelings every week. I feel like I have failed her even though I am making the best decisions I can. I'm sorry for your loss but YOU DID NOT FAIL HER!

Your tried to get her the help she and your father needed, and the illness overtook her despite you. Your father may have been spending a lot more time caring then he let on. And while painful, this quicker route may have been kinder to all.

I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you understand that you didn't fail your Mom and that you helped her and your Father as best as you could.