abc123 / waiting on your update

Quilting brings calm

abc123 - I saw your reply to a post the other day mentioning your dad and that you would update us soon.  Are you ready to do that or still struggling to put it all in writing?  I can certainly understand that.  I’ve tried to start a topic about my own frustrations with my parents 3 times tonight and can’t bring myself to write it.

Quilting brings calm

Pushing this to the top.  Adding a wish that Butterfly Wings would also update us

abc123

Hello QBC. Thank you for thinking of me. I am spending the day with my dad. We are making a 2 hour drive to visit a friend of his.

I have been having panic attacks/anxiety attacks. Not sure what to call it. I do have an appointment to see my doctor this Thursday. 

I will check back in tonight if possible. I’ve been thinking about you QBC, I think you might be able to give me some advice about dealing with parents. I’ve always said I don’t know how you do everything that you do. I find myself completely lost at this point. 

I hope you have a peaceful day today!

Sincerely

abc123

abc123

I’m also concerned about ButterflyWings. She is in my thoughts and prayers.

Quilting brings calm

Abc/ - I totally understand about the panic/anxiety attacks and the depression.  After right at  3 years of this, I’ve had to take a step back to try to curb them.  I try to touch base with mom by phone every day, but I started limiting my visits on the advice of their doctor.  He saw I was struggling.  Other medical people have agreed.   Mom is still in the early stage and stepdad is still undiagnosed. Although his diagnosis should come later this month.   I’m still transporting them to all the medical appointments,  paying the bills and anything else that comes up.  I’m just not going out there and sitting with them unless I have reason to be there.   I will be happy to answer any question you have, offer suggestions, etc.  However, I’ve had 5 phone calls from mom in 15 minutes just now ( excluding the call I made to her a few minutes earlier).  She was giving me a blow by blow description of her movements around the AL apartment- as if I needed to give her permission to move from one room to another.  So I am obviously not an expert. 

So update us when you are ready,  what’s going on with you and your dad? I know your situation is different because your dad is living In his own place- which means there is no one there besides you.  

abc123

So sorry about all the phone calls from your mom today. I hope she was able to settle down.

My biggest problem is dealing with my dad. He is the type of person who has to stay busy constantly and he is wearing me out. I have not been able to grieve the loss of my mother, its been 6 or 7 weeks now that she has died. I am still working on writing the thank you notes from her funeral. He has taken two trips out of state in that time while depending on me to take care of his house, his dogs, his mail. That's another story in itself. Last week he called last minute to tell me the plans he had made (plans that included me without talking to me first.) with dear friends who were in from out of state. I had just started writing out thank you cards. I needed to pay household bills. I had plenty to do for myself, important things. I also came to realize that writing these cards was extremely difficult emotionally. His plans consisted of he and I taking these friends out to lunch, spending the day with them and then out to dinner that night. I told him that I couldn't possibly do this. I was trying to explain how much I had to do, how drained I was. He blew up, wanted to know what he should tell them. I said tell them the truth, they'd understand. He tried his best to get me to change my mind. I told him I want to help him and I want to spend time with him but I  can't continue to be available 24/7 anymore. He can't continue to make plans without speaking to me first. Then proceeded to tell me three things that take up too much of my time and that's why I'm so tired and I need to do something about my dogs, I have way too many plants and I waste too much time working in my yard. That's the three things in my life I find comfort in, those things are what makes me who I am. He went on and on, when I said no for the third time he lost it. Yelling and cursing me then hung up on me. He didn't call for 5 days. He did manage to clean his own house and to entertain our friends without me. He also managed to deal with a broken water heater all without me. 

I realize that he lost his wife but I want him to acknowledge I lost someone too! It's not all about him-which it has been his entire life.

abc123

Part 2 (Just in case I hit the wrong key and lost my post)

It's as if he wants me to fill in socially for momma. I need to grieve her loss. I think he does too, he hasn't slowed down long enough to do it. It hasn't hit him yet that I can tell. 

I've have also realized that I am missing momma in different stages of her life. When I think of her it's mostly from times before she was diagnosed with Alz. And then there's the different versions of herself that she was as the Alz progressed. I feel like I lost several people. I miss all of them. Losing her to Alz. has been completely different than losing my husband to cancer. I feel totally lost. And these panic attacks are driving me deeper into depression. I don't want to eat, grocery shop, leave the house. I'd be fine just tending to the yard, reading a book and taking care of my dogs. One minute I feel okay and the next minute I  am overcome with fear. My heart pounds and I'm scared to death. It can happen at anytime. Sometimes I wake up from a sound sleep only to be overcome with fear. A little while ago I was content and peaceful hanging curtains and the next thing I know my mind is racing and all these questions come racing thru my mind. Why am I doing this now? Am I wasting time? Should I be doing something else more important? My mind just keeps racing. The other day I noticed I had left a hammer out under the carport and was overcome with fear. Pick it up, pick it up. It can't stay there. Someone could use it to break into the house and kill me with it. I have never been scared to live a lone but now I am. This constant fear and worry, it's not the real me. What's happening? Am I losing my mind? Am I just worried about my future and taking care of my dad? My momma was easy to take care of, there is nothin easy about dad.

QBC, can you shine any light on this situation? Anyone else care to offer their opinions? I truly appreciate everyone here. 

Quilting brings calm

 Your dad managed to complain about the things you enjoy that don’t involve him.  My parents  are the same way.  Mom has decided that I am her  ‘person’. She expects me  to be available 24/7 and guilt trips me when I am not. She expects me to fix everything that upsets her even when I can’t, behaviors that are very difficult for me.   I’ve had to become numb to her whining and the angry outburst from my step-dad.  Then I feel guilty about my lack of closeness. What you are describing about yourself and your panicked emotions is exactly why I had  to limit my visits to them. 

In addition, you are exhausted by the stress of caring for them long distance, getting them moved and caring for your mom once she got to your place, and then her death.  You are angry with your dad because he didn’t and doesn’t seem to be as emotionally involved in all that as you.  Part of that may be he started grieving a long time ago,  part of it is the personality that makes life all about him. 

Now you are grieving while trying to be your dad’s ‘person’.   He seems to have moved on from your mom’s death already while you haven’t because you were too busy trying to care for both of them to start the grieving process.  Give yourself time.  Do the things you enjoy.  Put off the things you don’t.   Sign the thank you cards with just your name and no personal  message. Most people don’t expect them for just showing up at the funeral or for sending flowers or a card. 

My parents were snowbirds for about 15 years, and then  moved south year round for 3 years,  then mom’s issues caused us to emergency move them back.    It’s been a real shock having  to deal with them  24/7 after not having them local.  I imagine that it’s been much the same for you with your dad.  He sounds like a person you deal with best in small doses.  My parents certainly were and are.  

Stay firm with your dad. He doesn’t get to dictate your time. Especially since he is capable of managing his days on his own. 

These are my middle of the night thoughts.  Which I luckily copied before  I hit post because I almost lost them when  this site hiccuped.  I might have better thoughts in the morning 

abc123

Dear QBC, I remember when you did the emergency move for your parents. I have admired you ever since. You are right about my dad being taken in small doses as the best choice. As upset as he makes me, my heart breaks when I look at him. He closest friend just celebrated his 90th birthday and has cancer. It will be a miracle if he lives another year. This is a man who has stood by dad throughout Mom’s journey with Alzheimer’s since day one. They talk on the phone daily and up until recently they saw each other on a regular basis. Losing this friend so close to losing my mother might be too much for him to handle. 

Dad had a follow up appointment with his new GP today. I did not go with him. He said he was given a memory test with 100 questions and he missed 3 of them. Does anyone have any idea what this test is called, is there really such a test? I’m not familiar with any of this. He also said the doctor prescribed a medication for his memory He did not tell me the name of the medication. 

QBC, thank you for your thoughts, I appreciate you! 

Quilting brings calm

I’ve not heard of a 100 question memory test. If so, his score would be 97 and  he wouldn’t need a memory medication.  My step-dad went through a couple hours of testing at the neuropsychologist in July, but we have not gotten the results yet.  Did he sign a HIPPA form and put you on it?  If so, you might call that doctor’s nurse and ask a few questions.  Or you might see if they have a patient portal that you could  set up as him and see what the doctor posted. 

I’m sorry about your dad’s friend.  

Thank you for your kind words.  I feel the same about you. 

I’m not really feeling that I’m doing a good job these days.  For example, mom called at 7:15 tonight and wanted to go to urgent care for her feet because they hurt.  I sent her with  dad because a) my stomach was extremely upset and b) I couldn't get her there by 8pm when they closed. The urgent care is 5 minutes from their  assisted living center, which is 35 minutes from me. Urgent care sent her home with no treatment other than to put her feet up and call her GP tomorrow. I gather they looked a little swollen.   She’s got an appointment at the neuropathy clinic in December but she can’t seem to understand that no one is going to give her any medication for her feet until then. I know this because both her GP and her memory NP have said so. She had an appointment scheduled much earlier this year, but canceled it that morning because she didn’t want to go. I couldn’t do anything about it as that was when I was dealing with my second compressed vertebrae fracture, December was the soonest they would reschedule it.   The constant complaining about it is driving me crazy.  So I gave up talking her out of the urgent care even though I knew that she wouldn’t get any satisfaction there.  The GP is going to be a 4 hour round trip including the visit and will be a waste of time too.  I have plans with friends for Wednesday.  It’s like she has a sixth sense for when I occasionally make plans