Dh has become so clingy

Joydean

I am just so tired. We have a caregiver come in 2xs a week for 4 hours. She is very nice and tries to engage dh but he just watches tv and complains that he doesn’t have anything to do. He talks about wanting to do something but never does anything. He will watch me do all the outside work and say he feels better doing a little work. When the caregiver is here i seldom leave the house, but yesterday I went to the store and bought some groceries which I never thought just getting to go to grocery shopping by myself would be a good thing. I was only gone a hour and half. When I got home the caregiver talked to me. I really didn’t think it would be a problem. She was just telling me how dh was concerned something might have happened to me. He’s concerned about who will take care of him if something should happen to me. After she left he was telling me that girl just talks to you. He actually had made hisself sick. I can’t get out of his sight even in the house. Sorry this is long and I’m just rambling. This clinging is driving me nuts. I do everything that needs to be done and I don’t mind that part. I knew I had been losing weight but really didn’t pay attention to it. I had a doctors appointment on Wednesday and she was concerned about the weight loss. So now I have to make myself eat more. I’m just tried!  Okay I’m through rambling, thanks for listening.

Mint

Good morning

I’m so sorry.  Know exactly how it feels good to go to grocery store. Others i have talked with do too.  A lady just the other day whose husband has dementia told me i never knew how long I would be unable to go anywhere.  A lot of people in this same boat.

Hope you are able to start eating a little better.  Understand being hard to eat when under stress and tired.  Cooking and cleaning up require energy.

Joydean were you the one that gave me hints on wireless landline phone?  Thinking you were.  I went to a different Verizon store and when I started asking her about the hints I was given she explained she would totally have it set up and ready to go. All I had to do was go home and plug it in.  Has worked well.  Thank you again if you were the one.  If not you I thank whoever it was.

Ernie123

I understand exactly what you are dealing with. For about two years before my DW moved into a MCF she was very anxious and clingy. If I left the room she would immediately start looking for me. As I understand it, this separation anxiety is caused by memory loss and cognitive decline. The PWD cannot make sense of where they are, or why they are there, or what is happening. I imagine this feeling of anxiety is similar to a dream state, when you are dreaming you are lost and wake up feeling tense. Except this feeling of confused unease is constant for the PWD, unless distracted or constantly reassured. A prescription of Escitalopram helped relieve my DW’s anxiety, but she still wanted me in sight for security. I too found it very stressful. If I had to go outside for  five minutes to bring in firewood she would get upset and try to follow me. Of course she couldn’t remember that  I had just told her what I was doing.

My suggestion would be to raise the issue with your doctor and perhaps medication would help. You must plan for more respite time for yourself, with family or paid caregiver relief. Accept that his upset is due to the disease and it is beyond your control. It is so very hard in the moment  to not feel overwhelmed. 

Ed1937

You are his rock. He knows he depends on you, and the thought of you leaving is devastating. 

One questiion - does the caregiver act like he is not in the room when she is talking to you? If you think she is, you should mention that to her. She needs to make him feel as though he is not invisible. Ask her to include him in conversations. Nobody wants to feel ignored.

M1

I know the feeling too Joydean.  Still feel it when I now am finally able to visit in memory care.  Nice that she still knows me and loves me, but the neediness (not typical of her in her normal state at all) is huge, I think at some level she realizes that I was providing everything including keeping her on a mental even keel, and she clearly feels the lack of that hugely.  Makes things difficult.  Am going today for my fourth visit in two weeks (that's a first, for sure) and I know she is going to be upset that I can only stay for an hour or so, she wants to be with me all the time.  That happened Tuesday, too.  I am going to have to have a good reason/excuse to leave each time I go.  Today they have wine and cheese in the afternoon and I hope that will allow an easy exit.

Hard that you have to separate yourself, but you do for your own sanity.  Wish you had more help at home than you have.

Joydean

 I thank each of you for being here for me and sharing your wisdom. 

Sayer yes mam I had same problem with landline phone. 

Army Vet, I don’t even dare close the bathroom door even though I tell him I’m going to bathroom, he comes looking for me and tells me he’s just checking on me. It’s like when our kids were little. 

Ed, yes sir, the caregiver looks right at dh and speaks slowly talking to him. 

M1, I hope your visit goes smoothly with your wife. 

There are times I can actually see the fear in my husband’s eyes and it breaks my heart heart because all I can do is hold him and tell him how much I love him and I will do everything I can to take care of him. 

Lorita

HI Joydean,

I imagine all caregivers experience this.  Know I did.  The caregiver, husband or wife,is  their security blanket.  They feel lost and vulnerable without them.  They're unsure of where to go or what to do without us.  How awful that must be.  I know we as caregivers get frustrated and tired.  We now are responsible for everything where before dementia this responsibility was shared.

Charles used to sleep a couple of hours later than I.  One day I decided I would drive into town to the grocery store before he awakened.  I was only gone about an hour.  I remember how much better it made me feel- just to be able to get away for a few minutes.  As I type this it makes me feel bad.  It certainly wasn't because I didn't love him, guess it was a sort of release from the pressure if only temporarily.  I went into town twice, then decided I couldn't do that again.  What if something happened and I was late getting home and he woke up.before I got home.  He wouldn't know where I was.

Joydean, if you live where you can just get outside by yourself for a while, it will help.  We live on a fsrm/,ranch so I could do that. I had a low hanging limb I could sit on and do nothing but relax.  We all must find a way to telax.  I was Charles' sole caregiver so we were together all the time.  He always went with me, everyday, to drive around and check the cattle and he helped me feed.  It helped him as well as helping me.  It was something we loved and could do together.

Care giving is hard but rewarding.  I don't regret a minute of the seven years I was his caregiver and would gladly do it agsin.  I'm happy for those who are able to have someone to help but if you don't you can make it-- day by day or hour by hour.  I have the greatest respect for each of you.

Paris20

My husband, who has Alzheimer’s, is in a facility now because of a stroke but before that he was at home clinging to me like a leech. That may sound harsh. But he would physically grasp onto whatever body part of mine was available. If I wanted to lie down on the couch, he’d grab my leg. Or it could be my arm or my neck in a perverted half Nelson…anything that he could grasp. I used to think of myself as his anchor. He only felt safe when holding onto me. I couldn’t even go to the bathroom without his asking when I was coming out. It was very frustrating, and very sad.

ImMaggieMae

I second what Ed said. My DH is ok with his caregiver who is here 12 hours per week, but he always has to know where I am. He seems to remember when I tell him I’m going to the grocery store to get more ice cream. He doesn’t forget ice cream.

Joydean

Maggie, I had to laugh when you mentioned ice cream. Your dh and mine could be buddies. When I go to the store I always go to braums for the frozen yogurt for dh. He loves that. The caregiver will remind him how busy braums can be when he tells her I’ve been gone a long time. She tries to keep him talking about ice cream. Anything to get his mind off me. Of course the minute I walk in the door he ask did you get hurt? I show him his ice cream and that’s all it takes for a few minutes.