DH is getting very upset when a caregiver comes to the house.

White Crane

The Area Agency on Aging gives me 16 hours of respite care a month.  The last two times I have had a caregiver come to the house, he has gotten very upset and irate.  He protests that he doesn't need or want a babysitter.  Yesterday, he said he was going to go for a long walk and got very angry when I left.  He stood in the doorway and glared at me as I drove off.  The caregiver was very good with him and offered to go for a walk with him.  He wanted none of that.  He said I was taking charge of everything and he had no say in anything anymore.  Which is basically true...but necessary.  It was a bad scene and I felt very nervous as I drove off.  He finally settled down after I left but the caregiver said he was very irate for awhile.  I had given him a Lorazepam at lunch but it didn't seem to help.  I am wondering if I need to contact his neurologist to see if there is something he can prescribe that would help him settle down and not get so agitated when I leave and when a caregiver comes to the house.  He takes a small dose of Seroquel at night before bed and that helps him sleep through the night.  I'm wondering if a dose during the day might be helpful.  I don't want to just drug him but it is so hard to leave when he is so upset.  Any suggestions or advice?

Ed1937

Brenda, I'm sorry he is acting like that, but he's not the first one to do that. Does the caregiver know what any of his interests are/were? Maybe she could start talking about something like that with him. She could also put on whatever type of music he likes. Just a couple of thoughts.

Faith,Hope,Love

I'd talk to the neurologist.  Maybe he can suggest something that would calm him down prior to you going out.

Rescue mom

It’s been the biggest struggle to have someone at home with DH. He has been adamantly, furiously opposed to others in the house. Of course I never said the person was for him, that’s a nonstarter, but that she was to help me.

What finally worked is, the same person came  regularly, and for the first several visits, did very little to or with him (he also insists he needs no help with anything). One of the earlier ones hovered too much; others just quit because he was so unpleasant. 

But this one mostly just let him be for a while, did some “busy” work, and he got used to having her around. Now he will stay in the same room and speak,  and accept her doing things for him. (He still won’t ask). He still doesn’t like it when I leave, gets very sulky/fussy, but gets over it fast. 

I think it was really a combo of him getting used to her—which took several weeks— and her being very smart about knowing how to approach him. (The right fit).

Kenzie56

WC, I had trouble with DH & our home care aides coming in the home as well. They used to come 8 hours per week. The aides were like a revolving door and DH just got so upset with the changes and dreaded having anyone come into the house.  I ended that service last June.  I put down a deposit for DH to be placed on a wait list last December and when I was first on the list I had first refusal. I turned it down twice, but last month I felt the timing was right. It is a stand alone MCF and is wonderful.  They have been so nice during all the paperwork, nursing visit to the home, etc., in preparation for placement.  DH is scheduled to be placed on the 19th.  I had to buy furniture and they gave me a list of the things he will need, which was helpful.  I have been nauseous for a month and my heart pounds when I think about my decision - but I know it is the right thing to do in my situation and our children agree.  (Actually, they gave me a push this summer when he took another step downward.) Home Health Care works for some and not so much for others but glad to read you are looking ahead of time for a MCF when the time comes.  See if they have a wait list. It helped when I could pick up the phone and tell them it's time. Good luck!

Iris L.

Jo C writes about how she introduced the paid caregiver as her own "friend". Over time, her LO grew to think of the caregiver as her friend.  It can help not to make it seem like he needs a baby-sitter, or that there is something wrong with him.  Make the cg there to help you or to do work around the house.  Or needs some hours because she lost her job.

Iris

Lynne D

My AAA gives me 12 hours per month!

I started with the rise that the caregiver was there to help me with some household chores. We did some house cleaning then had lunch (all together) for a couple of weeks. Then I started needing to go our for errands, and told him that M was staying to do some housework and would make lunch for him.

We had some rough spots, but that seemed to work.

Best of luck!