Things I do and don't miss

M1

I miss her presence, her laugh, her sense of humor, her touch, her kisses and hugs.  I miss the person she was, all the time.  I miss being able to talk to her about anything, and getting wise and insightful feedback, and unconditional support.  I miss her initiative, her vision, her energy.  She made me better than I was.  We were synergistic, our togetherness bigger and better than either of us alone.  I miss running this farm together; it was her presence that made having the animals and doing the gardening worthwhile.

I don't miss:  having to hide the mail, monitor the phone and the computer, lock away her meds and make sure she took them, making sure she ate, making sure she showered, making sure she didn't wash the windows with floor wax or feed the cats birdseed.  I don't miss watching Andy of Mayberry over, and over, and over, and over.  I don't miss fighting over driving, or getting help with the farm chores, or being told "we can do that" when I knew it would never get done.

What do you miss and not miss?

Gig Harbor

I miss my “normal” husband. I met a new neighbor the other night. She told me about her upcoming 21 day tour of Europe and all the things she and her husband were planning. He was an equal part of the planning. I realized that as far back as 2014 when we went to England I did all the planning. My husband offered no input or help. He was agreeable with whatever I decided but I was alone in all the planning. I can hardly remember a time when he did actively get involved but I miss those times. Now that he is settled in memory care and happy with his day to day life I am trying to build a life for myself. I realize that I will never have anyone help me the way I helped and cared for him for years. It is very much a feeling of being alone but at the same time I do enjoy being able to do whatever I want. When I go and visit he seems happy to see me but doesn’t mind at all when I leave and he never asks about me. For him it is truly out of sight, out of mind.

Faith,Hope,Love

I miss DH helping to make decisions.  I'm afraid I'll make the wrong one.  I miss his spontaneity.  He was always so much fun.  I miss him being agreeable.  Now he disagrees with just about everything...even to the point of refusing something as simple as a haircut.  Sheesh!  I miss having friends.  I miss going places by myself.  I take him with me, but it's such a chore.  He's started shoplifting so I need to watch him every minute.  That takes the joy out of going just about everywhere.  So, we don't go anywhere except to the grocery store once a week.   I miss having a life.

60 falcon

There are so many things I don't miss.  But right at this moment I just miss her. She had the best smile.  I'm new at stage 8, but it might be the worst of all of them.

Kenzie56

Great topic!  I miss the real man I married 44 years ago and his company, his engagement, empathy, conversation, thoughtfulness, compliments, humor, loving touch, and selflessness.

When he is place at MCF on the 19th, I won't miss: watching the same movies/shows every day, bathing him, shaving him, wiping the toilet seat/floor (or other places) after he goes, having him attached to me all day/night, preparing his food, administering his meds, locking all doors at all times and never leaving the house unless he is with me...I better stop here or it sounds like whining. Thank you for the topic...at least I feel better writing it down. I need to focus more on the first paragraph...that's who he was.

Whyzit

Thank you for this topic. I think it will be therapeutic for us to put it in print.

DH is a woodcarver. He HAS carved beautiful birds and animals that are on display in many places. I miss seeing him sit at his table with a hunk of wood and work on it til it becomes a realistic creation of beauty. He keeps saying to people that he is working on a robin but that barely begun bird has been sitting on the shelf for almost 2 years. 

I wonder how long I should wait to put his tools, etc. in our storage unit. I struggle with the space being held captive to the past when I could use that space as a bedroom for me so I could get better rest. I don’t want to hurt his feelings but I’m not sure it matters to him anymore. Any advice would be appreciated.

DH went through a long period of agitation and anger. I don’t miss that at all. He is very sweet and loving now and I pray he stays that way but I realize it could change in a moment. In our 58 years of marriage he has never been as pleasant as he is now.

sandwichone123

Whyzit,

I'd suggest just cleaning up the work space--a little, unnoticable bit each day until it's all cleaned up and you have the space to use. If he doesn't notice you doing it, he won't know it's changed.

Last Dance

I miss her smile, and her mischievous ways, The secrets we shared the touch of her hand. I miss making love or just lying next to each other as we slept. I miss the car rides we would take in the evening or on a Sunday afternoon, sometimes talking sometimes just being together and not saying a word yet we both knew what the other one was thinking. I miss the walks we would go on in the summertime. She could always tell when something was bothering me, and would help me get over it, we ran a business together for 37 ½ years and she helped make a lot of important decision, now I must make them on my own. She was always proud of me and never let me down. Compared to some PWD on this board she was fairly easy to take care of. Like a lot of PWD she didn’t like to shower and sometimes did not want to be changed, but she never got mean or wandered, she just wanted to be near me all the time. I don’t miss the strain of taking care of her even if it wasn’t that bad. When she left me, she took half of my heart with her and I just plain miss her every day. She truly was my soul mate, my lover, and my friend. Life will never be the same with out her.  

Vitruvius

Of course I miss my DW the way she was before the dementia robbed her of most of it.  Nearly fifty years ago we looked forward to a long life together, comforting each other as we grow old together.  And it was good for many years.  But now I miss my lover, my friend, my supporter, my confidant, my everything.

I'll add a category of things I won't miss but I also didn't really mind.  I've never minded brushing her teeth, trimming her nails, bathing her, dressing her, and to my surprise, I don't really mind the incontinence duties.  She is/was cooperative and appreciative when I've done these things, in part I think because I was totally focused on her.  I took it as an act of love and kindness and duty to her to maintain her dignity.

I did recently have to place her in an MCF because of what I won't miss when this is all over.  The grinding 24/7/365 attention she needed or she would become restless and moody.  The inability for me to do much of anything but care for her.  The panic of hearing the sound of the front door opening while I'm in the bathroom for just a few minutes.  The increasing bouts of confusion and agitation that I could not deflect her from.   The anguish of seeing her relentless decline.  The heartsickness of the inevitable end of our lifetime together.

Just Bill

I miss our old life before this happened. I was happy and looking forward to getting old with her. I'm still living through everything I'm not going to miss after this is over. The one thing that bothers me and I hope it won't haunt me when she is gone is the times I have lost my patience with her and allowed myself to get angry with her. That is the old me getting mad at the old her like a habit developed over 40 years of living together. The new me cannot get mad at the new her I have my filter on all day. My weakest point is the 3AM all the lights in the house come on because everyone in the house is complaining. Instead of saying a filtered get the names and addresses of everyone that is complaining and we will make a file. I yell in a not so nice way it's 3 in the morning and there is no one here please go back to sleep. For obvious reasons that's the wrong thing to say because now I have hours to unring that bell. Anyway I have to meditate on being able to be woken up at 3 in the morning to a full panic with my filter in place and operational. I am not going to miss a lot of things but what I hope I can forget is the times I lost my patience with her. She is 100% delusional and 90% sweet as sweet can be and 10% wicked witch of the west.

Paris20

I miss my partner in life. I miss his cleverness, his humor, his bawdiness. I miss the man who could fix anything, who had boundless energy, who loved me and our family deeply, and showed it. I miss his ability to understand complex problems (he earned a PhD in accounting and finance) and debate political issues. I miss having him at home with me. I forget sometimes that he’s never coming home and those noises are the creaking of the home we built and not his presence.

I do not miss his confusion, irritability, vulgarity, incontinence, his falls, his yelling at me and anyone else he thinks is not doing what he expects. I do not miss going to stores with him and having to watch him like a two year old. I do not miss all the lies and fiblets I had to create just to keep him safe.  I do not miss diapers, pads, bedding, traveling with him. We used to travel to Europe every year. Now the grocery store is off limits.

My husband is in a skilled nursing facility because he had a stroke on top of Alzheimer’s disease, which he has had for almost 8 years. I haven’t seen him for a couple of weeks because of a Covid outbreak. I’m making a picnic lunch to eat on the beautiful grounds of his “new home.” I just hope he remembers who I am.

toolbeltexpert

I miss the laughter of my wife thou she still does occasionally, I miss being with her especially this time of year. Fall is her and my favorite time of year, I went to a folk festival yesterday that we always went to,even last year. We would listen to the Gospel,and blue grass groups for hours. I miss taking her picture at scenic sites. I miss the 4 wheeler rides on the farm to go to the pond. I miss her cooking, my weight still continues its  slow decline. I miss her by my side, she is my better half. 

Davegrant

I miss her emotional support that was intended or not intended but was there when I needed it most. I miss her doing the cooking , grocery shopping, preparing a full meal when there was nothing in the house to eat, I miss the many hot dishes that paraded our dinner table, I miss the birthday greetings and other holiday acknowledgements to children and grandchildren, I miss the input on family gifts so that they were appropriate. I miss her entertaining the children and friends who visit the house. 

I don't miss answering the question, "who is coming over today?" asked many, many times each day, I don't miss doing safety inspections of the house trying to keep things safe and in order, I don't miss living under a cloud of suspicion and questioning about "where is my purse?" "Where are you going?' "Who did you see there?" This list could go on but lastly I miss the freedom to plan my day and activities directly and then live the plan. The alternative plan is the now the plan. While there is some joy in the second plan it is big change in my existence. In my life I have went from self-centered, to being more considerate of others , to centered on my spouse. Its been an interesting journey. This latter is a good phrase for my tombstone. 

Dave

Ed1937

Great thread, M1. I miss her sense of humor. I miss the wonderful dinners she put together. I miss how we shared the wins and losses of life. I miss how she was involved in everything we did since she was 16. I miss our inside jokes. But most of all I miss having a wife who loved me the way she did. We grew old together, and it was good for both of us. I miss her not being here.

I don't miss our trips to the ER after she had a fall. I don't miss how she became uncooperative in everything. I don't miss cleaning her up after a BM. I don't miss having to call the police for help getting her back into the house when she would decide to leave. I don't miss having to do the wash most days. I don't miss anything about dementia.

Kibbee

I miss having an equal and fully functioning companion and friend.  I miss having conversations about any and all topics, and being able to get up and go whenever and wherever we wanted. I miss being able to discuss issues and problems, and working together to determine a solution or best path forward.  I miss his go-go Type A personality and his ability to fix anything around the house and yard.  I miss the freedom and spontaneity in my life.

I'm still in the active caregiver role, but at some point I may not be. When (if) that happens there are a number of things I will not miss.  I will not miss the incontinence care, and all of the extra laundry and cleaning that comes with it.  I will not miss the challenge of keeping him clean.  I will not miss helping get him off the floor when he falls.  I will not miss having to weigh each social invitation to determine if it merits the expense of hiring an outside caregiver to provide respite care.  I will not miss that constant low-level, background sense of anxiety about the future .. how bad will he get, and will I be able to handle it?

Jeff86

I miss my best friend and lover.

Someday, when this journey ends, I will not miss the endless, agonizing losses.

But I’ll still miss my best friend and lover.

Beachfan

I’m with Jeff.  That just about sums it up.  Short and sweet.

Crushed

memories the photo are from 
our very low cost honeymoon 47 years ago .  we had nothing
th Uranium motel (photo taken on a later trip) was one of the better places we stayed at , the shower worked   (every other day we camped)

The lovely picture is my wife of 4 days  

We had nothing and built a life together
Every single day I would tell her "you are the best thing that ever happened to me in my life  

I told her yesterday

M1

Great pictures, Crushed.  Our anniversary is in September--three years ago we went to the North Rim of the Grand Canyon for our 25th.  So glad we did it.  Two weeks later on the spur of the moment we went to her 60th high school reunion, about 28 of an original 41 classmates made it.  It was great, and I'm so glad we did that too.  Things to hang onto.  What a falling off there has been in three years.....

MaGary

Your posting struck a chord with me. The last several years I have always been the planner and although we’ve had nice trips, I wish he would’ve been able to help me a little bit more. He is in the beginning stages of ALZ but already I see that he doesn’t have the empathy or the caring that he did or the understanding of what this disease is doing to our relationship. I just wanted to let you know that I understand what you were saying. It’s kind of like being alone already

Joe C.

What do I miss? I don’t think there is enough room on this page but here are some thoughts. I just return from Yellowstone NP and all week I missed having my traveling partner by my side. I missed sharing the beauty of the natural environment, wildlife sightings and a simple lunch along a hiking trail. At home I miss the women who would decorate our home, make delicious meals and cuddle with me on a chilly night or go out for an ice cream on a warm evening. I miss our private jokes, making plans for the future and reminiscing about the past. In short I miss it ALL!

What don’t I miss? The delusions!!! DW not knowing I’m her husband and this is our home. The struggles with bathing and other personal care. Standing with the car door open explaining how to get into the car for 15 minutes. The feeling of being trapped in home my home because it is so difficult to take DW anywhere. What I would give to have her back!

Ed1937

Joe, I could have written every single word of that. Unfortunately, the things we miss will never be back in our lives.

Hoot619

Last night after reading, I did a lot of remembering on how things used to be. She was always there for me. Things we did do together. Remember the time building my steam bath and she was on scaffold and scared she was going to fall. She was yelling and the dog went up the ladder to help her. I had to climb the ladder and lift the dog off, he had his front feet holding on the top rung. Then I got her down.  The love she had for our 2 grandsons and the things she did for them.  Putting up with me in my alcoholic journey  of 17 years.  Sunday was 57 years of our marriage and she was unaware of it.

I have tears running but it is OK, I can't take care of her anymore. I did try to the best of my ability.  I won't miss the times I yelled at her and the bad thoughts that came when things weren't going right.  I still love her and I guess that's what counts.  darn* this disease!  Hoot