New here(52)

kab2022

Hi I am new to this group. My LO has dementia. Actually, the doctors haven't provided a definite diagnosis however, her medical charts all say dementia on them.  Anyway,  it all started about 4 years ago after my dad passed away. She started "loosing" her words, her memories, etc.  We've taken her to PCP and Neurologist and she seems to fool all of them.  Most recently, she has become aggressive and agitated towards me and my 3 siblings.  She seems to go into spurts on who has 'stolen her keys, purse, money' during a different time of the week.  At present, it is my turn. I live 4 hours away but I have until most recently spoke to her on a daily basis.  At this moment, she believes that I have taken all of these things from her and since I live so far away, I am unable to pop over to see her.  I still call and text on a daily basis but I do not receive a response unless its her accusing of these thefts.  I am the only daughter and have always helped her with finances and everything.  I am beside myself but I am not sure how to progress anymore.  She won't talk to me .... what do I do?  I thought it would just go away like all of the rest of her accusations that she's made on us but it's been weeks and she's still ignoring me...

Rescue mom

Welcome, but sorry you have to be here. Others can be more helpful than I, but it may take some time to get responses, and I didn’t want you to feel ignored.

One big issue is that you are so far away. That makes a lot of things harder (including a good answer from me). Maybe your sibs live closer and can see/help her more often in person?

The unfounded theft accusations are pretty common. Usually we just say “oh I’m sorry that’s gone, I’ll look for it,” or even “oh maybe I Misplaced that, I’ll help you look/find another” and you replace whatever. But thats harder in your case.

Do you have POA, since you’re handling finances? If not, you need to get with an elder law attorney ASAP. Sounds like she may not be able to live alone, or without regular assistance, very soon.

kab2022

Thanks for the replay - my brothers were seeing her every day but they are having a hard time because of the aggressive and agitation towards all of us so they haven't been going as much.  At this point, my youngest brother has been giving medicines to her (he's the only person she'll allow to do it right now)  I would love to bring in someone a few days a week to check in on her as well but she doesn't think there's a problem so she'd never allow that either.  

I do have POA for health and financial and that's been set up for a few years but I was told that I can't really do anything if she says No anyway. Is that true?? 

ninalu

Hi Kab2022,
I'm sorry you're going through this. 

My mom went through a phase where she was behaving similarly to the way you describe your mother right now. Mom was convinced that I had stolen her purse and wallet and car keys, desiring to trap her in her house. In reality, she was hiding her own things out of fear they'd be stolen and not remembering where they were. Eventually I figured out this detail and was able to engage her in looking for them together. Like you, I had POA but there was a period when I consulted an attorney about obtaining guardianship. In my state, simply having POA didn't permit me to force her to do anything.

Long story short, we went through a difficult and bumpy few months where I was honestly not sure one day to the next what was going to happen. I learned how unsafe she was at home and became much more involved. I had police drop by to check on her, neighbors, caregivers that I hired as "friends of Ninalu" -- I cooked and brought food over and all this time, I could see that she was terrified of being alone and didn't know what was happening to her. I called our local Elder Services several times to report her at risk. This would result in a social worker stopping by to check on her and because Mom had good manners, she never turned them away. She'd let the social worker in, they'd have a visit, and we got some eyes on her. Mom didn't know it was me who reported the risk. 

Eventually, something changed. She seemed to soften somehow and consent to being more "looked after." She let me take her to the doctor and she started medication which helped to calm her. In our case, if Mom's delusions and upset and fear had persisted, I would have gone on to pursue guardianship. I was fortunate that I didn't have to. 

Based on my experience, I highly recommend getting eyes on your mom regularly -- in the form of your siblings or social workers or even the police / fire dept (they'll do a safety check if you need that.) I recommend installing a lock box so that police/fire can get into her house in the event she is unresponsive to the telephone or knocking at the door.  Again, when nothing else was working for us, the Elder at Risk report helped keep my mom safe.

It's scary when your parent needs help but is too agitated or frightened to accept it. I hope you and your brothers find something to support you and your mom. 

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harshedbuzz

kab2022 wrote:

Hi I am new to this group. My LO has dementia. Actually, the doctors haven't provided a definite diagnosis however, her medical charts all say dementia on them.  

If it's on her charts, then she has a diagnosis I would think. Which family member is attending appointments with her? It could be her doc doesn't tell patients about a dementia diagnosis which many families prefer as a kindness. Or it could be she was told and forgot. Or it could be she has anosognosia and is unable to appreciate that she has had a cognitive shift.

Anyway,  it all started about 4 years ago after my dad passed away.

It may have started sooner. Often a spouse provides a lot of scaffolding for their PWD in the way of prompts and assistance. We had this with my aunt. She and her husband were private people who lived away from most of the family. He made a last minute appeal to an aunt on his deathbed to "look out for his DW". 

She started "loosing" her words, her memories, etc.  We've taken her to PCP and Neurologist and she seems to fool all of them.

This is called "showtiming" which is when a PWD can hold it together for a short period of time and seem to be doing a lot better than they really are. One way to get her docs to have a sense of how she's doing is to contact him via a patient portal and list what you're seeing. A video clip of her behavior might be useful to include. My dad could be the most charming man at his doctor's office and while threatening us with violence at home. 

 Most recently, she has become aggressive and agitated towards me and my 3 siblings.  She seems to go into spurts on who has 'stolen her keys, purse, money' during a different time of the week.  At present, it is my turn. I live 4 hours away but I have until most recently spoke to her on a daily basis.  At this moment, she believes that I have taken all of these things from her and since I live so far away, I am unable to pop over to see her.  I still call and text on a daily basis but I do not receive a response unless its her accusing of these thefts.  I am the only daughter and have always helped her with finances and everything.  I am beside myself but I am not sure how to progress anymore.  She won't talk to me .... what do I do?  I thought it would just go away like all of the rest of her accusations that she's made on us but it's been weeks and she's still ignoring me...

The paranoia is so common. Medication might take the edge off this, but I would try validation strategies as well. Validate how she's feeling-- her feelings are real even if the crimes you committed are not. I "stole" $350K from my dad. He was stuck on this and would not let if go. At this point, a rational explanation only served to agitate him further. Someone her suggested I apologize which seemed nuts. But it was effective and he finally let it go. Of course, he moved on and got stuck on other things but such is dementia. 

HB

CarynSchneider

Hello.  I am new here and glad to have found the group.

Ema1

Hello, I'll be following your post with interest as I'm in a similar boat, only I"m the only child. It very difficult to help someone when they won't talk to you (especially when we're the bad ones in their mind), or when they are in denial. 

Know that you aren't alone. I don't know how or when but we'll figure it out. 

mommyandme (m&m)

Welcome! 

This behavior seems pretty common for many of our LOs.  Accepting responsibility for the things she thinks are missing etc… (even when not responsible), may go a long way.  After all it doesn’t really matter to us but to our LO, it could mean a world of difference in calming their fears and worries.  

Placing cameras in most rooms, we didn’t do bathrooms, really helped us keep tabs on my mom when we needed more supervision for her. Even after she had 24/7 help they were invaluable. I still use them and I’m her primary caregiver now.  

Glad you came and shared. So sorry for the journey you’re beginning.