2 Questions: Car / AL for a loner type personality

LaurieRZ

I previously posted about taking my mother's car keys away and I then came to the conclusion that I needed to just get the car out of sight. It's currently at my son's house, but my mom thinks it's in the shop. I hoped she would forget about the car, but I don't think that's going to happen. She can't remember what she said 5 minutes ago, but darned if she doesn't think about her car all the time. I don't know what else to do except tell her I sold the car. When my mom had a recent UTI, she showed a lot of anger towards me, which is not like her. It was overwhelming stressful for me and I try to avoid topics that will upset her. I'm the only one she has, so we need to have good communication. Has anyone else had to tell their LO they sold their car and deal with the anger? She's in such a gray area right now. She's definitely getting worse, but there are times she still seems herself. I think it would be easier to distract her and change the subject if her dementia was worse.

I've started looking at AL facilities (she doesn't know). I've mentioned her moving a couple of times, but she doesn't think she's that bad yet. She's a nice person, but she's very independent and more of a loner. She doesn't care about socializing with other people. She says she doesn't like "old" people and doesn't want to be around them. Has anyone forced a LO with this personality to move to AL? If she doesn't see herself as being like the other people there, I worry that she will never accept it.

M1

Laurie, I see some similarities in out situations.  My partner was always very independent, very smart and creative, and a loner/individualist.  She argued incessantly with me about driving; the incident that hospitalized her was when she threatened to pull a knife on me if I wouldn't give her the truck keys.  She went from the hospital to memory care, had been resistant to all earlier discussions about my hiring help at home.  Has been in memory care for five months now, still doesn't recognize it for what it is (even though the staff has told her), still thinks she's going to be able to come home with me when she gets better (she had covid in early August, right now our excuse is that she just got out of quarantine).  She has no sense of how long she's been there and doesn't really socialize with the other residents, though she likes the staff and likes helping them.  She doesn't seem to remember our home at all, asks me where I'm living now and can she come there.

I don't think you can worry about her "accepting" what she needs.  Safety concerns need to drive the deicsion-making.  Period.

notjolly

I've got the same problem. My brother "thinks" as soon as he get his car insurance renewed that he is going to take off in his car. He is asking to go to the bank for cash for the trip. I ask where are you going to go. He says up north to visit relatives. I'm the relative up north. I would like to put him in AL but I don't have POA and he won't sign it. I took his car keys away and now I'm the bad person. He has lived on his own almost all his adult life and says that he can do it now. On the test they gave him at the doctors he scored 14 out of 30, and that was a good day. But he thinks he has it all together and that I'm the one losing it. So I totally understand where you are coming from.

Suzzin

My mom keeps asking about her car. It is usually parked at her AL place, but over the summer my son uses it. I don't want to tell her we sold it, because she will legitimately be mad that I sold her car without her permission, so I just sidestep and either show her that the car is still there (when it is, not that she recognizes which one is hers) or tell her it's getting an oil change. Her drivers license expired so now I tell her she can drive as soon as she passes the test--then I pull the test up on her iPad and she stares at it for a while before giving up.

As for moving to AL, that continues to be a problem. I managed to get my dad to agree, knowing my mom never would, so we moved them about a year ago to a lovely place just a mile from me. Dad has accepted that they live there now, and tries to find good things to say about it. He knows he can't manage on his own. Mom, however, has anosognosia, and packs up every night to go home. She talks about what time they're leaving in the morning, how much she has to do at "home", she gets mad that this is the worst vacation ever, etc. The only thing that helps me is that before we moved her she was doing the same thing at the house they lived in for 25 years, so it's not that house that she's trying to get back to. If my dad hadn't been willing to go along with the move I don't know how we could have forced my mom to go there.

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

LaurieRZ

Suzzin wrote:

 I don't want to tell her we sold it, because she will legitimately be mad that I sold her car without her permission, 

That's what I'm worried about is her being mad at me. I'm afraid she still has enough sense about her that's she's going to figure out I'm lying about the car being in the shop. I don't know how to respond if accuses me of that. I was prepared (kind of) to be accused of something I didn't do, but this is something I actually did do. I never thought I would wish for the disease to be further along, but I wish she would be able to forget about the car.

jmlarue

It's been my experience that the fiblets are more effective if the short term memory is bad. It really helps if they can't remember that they've been told the same fiblet multiple times. Here's a couple of suggested answers if the "It's in the shop," fiblet is no longer working. Absolutely do not tell her the car has been sold.

Fiblet: The shop is having trouble get a part to fix the car. Supply chain issues because of Covid are hitting everyone hard.

Fiblet: Some thief cut the catalytic converter off of the car. It's not drivable like that. We are waiting on the insurance claim to process.

Fiblet: The mechanic had a family emergency and needed to go out of state. We are waiting for him to return.

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

LaurieRZ

Thank you for your suggestions and sharing your experiences.

I'm currently telling her the part is on backorder and she's already getting impatient with that story. It's been 3 weeks since I took the car, but I worry that she thinks it been even longer since she normally thinks more times has passed then less time. I took her keys a couple of weeks before that, so she hasn't actually driven in a couple of months. I took the keys after she got lost. Unfortunately, she is still living in her house and that's why it's been so hard. She's used to just running up to the store every time she realizes she needs something. She calls me to tell me she can't stand seeing her garage empty every time she walks out there. I feel like her empty garage is a constant reminder, but there's nothing I can do about that. 

*Ollie*

I am in a similar place as far as looking to move my mom into a tiered memory care facility.   Firstly, she thinks she's fine and any experience she's had with a visit to a senior day center, all she says is how she doesn't want to go with all of those old people.   

She currently lives with us and is vehemently against going anywhere.   We are going to tell her something along the lines of my husband having to go back to work so no one will be here during the days anymore and talk about it like it will be temporary.   I wish she was open so that we could have an honest, adult conversation about the stress of taking care of her but that is not where she's at anymore.  

Like your mom, she is not interested in any kind of socializing and thinks going to any type of facility as being "put away".   We are not looking forward to the move.  She is not going to be nice about it.  Wish I had some great advice for you but as far as I can tell, you just have to do it the best you can and deal with the potential fall out.   

LaurieRZ

*Ollie* wrote:

  We are going to tell her something along the lines of my husband having to go back to work so no one will be here during the days anymore and talk about it like it will be temporary.   

I hope your "temporary" explanation works. I feel terrible even saying this, but I've thought if she had to be admitted for the hospital for some reason, it would be easier to tell her she's temporarily going some where after she discharges.

Suzzin

Throwing out two more options--Can you put the car back in the garage but disconnect the battery so it won't start? Then she can see the car is there, can't go anywhere, and you saying "it needs to be fixed" will be plausible.

Second idea, can you take her driver's license, and then when she can't find it tell her she has to get a new one. The paperwork, the test, making an appointment at the DMV, doing practice tests on line...we've been working this idea for over a year now.

I used to argue with her about the car, now I pretend I'm on her side and tell her "I'll help you sort this out". It's such a shame, with Covid etc, things just take so long, or the paperwork is so confusing. Then we can both be frustrated at someone else instead of me being the block that tells her she can't drive.

LaurieRZ

Suzzin wrote:

Can you put the car back in the garage but disconnect the battery so it won't start? Then she can see the car is there, can't go anywhere, and you saying "it needs to be fixed" will be plausible.

Second idea, can you take her driver's license, and then when she can't find it tell her she has to get a new one. The paperwork, the test, making an appointment at the DMV, doing practice tests on line...we've been working this idea for over a year now.

This has been such a tricky situation. I initially took the car, but then she called everyday wanting her car back in the garage. She said she just wanted to know where it is even if she wasn't driving it. Once it was back in her garage, she then called every day wanting her keys back.  My son had disconnected something, so it wouldn't start in case she had an extra set of keys. She eventually forgot I took the keys, but then thought there was a problem with it being locked. She was calling people to come unlock it including a locksmith she found in the phone book. That's when I decided to tell her I was taking it to get the "lock" problem fixed.

She got her driver's license renewed a couple of months ago. I was counting on them not renewing it, but they did. The crazy thing is she did fairly okay until they told her to stand in front of the screen for her picture. She walked across the room and they had to call her back. She then faced the screen and they had to tell her to turn around and face them. The lady then looked at me and asked if she was still driving and I told her she was. I even told a different lady that I had some concerns and requested they take special notice or do an extra assessment and was told there was nothing they could do.