Hygiene, esp. bathing

joseph58

My father refuses to take a shower. 

All I can do is to make him change his disposable underwear and give him a fresh set of clothes and even that is a challenge. 

I offered to give him a washcloth GI bath (except for his private parts, told him he can do that); he refused quite angrily. 

He continues to say "don't worry, I'll take a shower later" but never does. He says this about everything now. "I'll take my medicine later". "I'll drink my water later".

Nope, "later" never comes. 

The hell with it. Really. A month into it and I'm sick of this now, his stubbornness, his refusal to cooperate, his poor sleeping habits, resistance, his grouchy moods, everything.

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SusanB-dil

Hi Joseph - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason...

I get it. We get the same go-'round.  It is either 'later', or 'I did that already'.  

Do not try to reason nor argue.  It will only leave you both frustrated. That is rule #1.    Do take a needed break, maybe get some assistance so you don't burn-out.  That is rule #1 also. 

Do you have any assistance coming in, for at least maybe a few hours during the week?  Have you told his doctor about this agitation? Sometimes a medicine tweak is needed.

It also sounds like he may have anosognosia. This is not denial, but rather, the firm belief that nothing is wrong.   In our case, we get "There's nothing wrong. I don't need a BABYSITTER!" "There's nothing wrong. I don't need all these pills!"  "I didn't do anything to get dirty, so I don't need 'another' shower or change of clothes!"

Yeah - it's hard.  I hate 'this'.  We all do.

notjolly

I hear you Joseph, I'm sick of it too and it's only been a month and a half for me. I want my life back. I'm trying to look at one day at a time and just get though it.

joseph58

I've tried hard to be patient with him. He is almost 90 years old now.

Cooking--I'm good with this. I prepare healthy meals even though he doesn't have the proper utensils. Ok, pork chops with rice, chicken cutlets and mashed potatoes. Breakfast, scrambled eggs, waffles, cereal, fresh fruit, toast. Lunch is usually a sandwich.

"Make me coffee now". Rude and selfish, like I remember him being to my mother. 

Ok, I do all this, he stuffs his face full, 10 minutes later, forgets it all.

His sleeping habits are miserable, sleeps all day and then can't sleep at night, wakes me up. Will take his meds only if I insist on it. 

This hygiene crap, ok, honestly I do not want to see him fully nude. I do not want to have to wipe his rear end. He doesn't want to do it.

He has a lady friend nearby, she is 81, he can go and stay with her for a week or so and then come back here, she takes care of him, but she does not want him coming over stinking, unshowered, clothes not changed, etc. She has made that clear. 

When I tell her his condition, she says no, don't bring him over. Then he gets upset and yells, and tells me it's my fault.

No, I want my life back. It's been a month of this nonsense and only getting worse.

If I simply leave, he has no phone, no transportation, no ability to make food (or go out to the store and buy anything), cannot get to a bank to withdraw money, cannot do anything for himself. 

Someone would find him here dead within a week. He doesn't realize or understand this, but I do. 

THIS SUCKS!

joseph58

Also, as a result of all this stress I have started smoking again and I am already up to a pack a day. THANKS DAD!

Whyzit

Joseph, Thank you for being so honest in your posting. I am experiencing the same situation with my DH. Bathing is always later…the later that never comes. Today I told him his unwillingness to get cleaned up is unacceptable. I read him parts of your post. His response was “do you want me to leave, I thought we had a bond.” I told him he is free to leave whenever he wants to. He left the room and went to bed.

I’ll probably regret having this conversation with him but at the moment I’m glad I did. I’ve known for awhile that I cannot continue doing this alone. Honestly, it really irritates me to have to pay an aid to bathe my husband. We should be able to take care of this ourselves, right? RIGHT! …..until we can’t. It is no longer a 50/50 relationship. It is so lopsided and frustrating. So, your post and my conversation today have put me over the top and again I thank you. I’m going to hire an aid …..not for his benefit, but for mine. I need to be free of this hassle and stress. Being super woman is making me sick. Sick of always smiling and keeping him from becoming upset. Sick of making all the decisions and keeping him entertained. Physically sick. 58 years of marriage and 12 years since mci diagnosis, I’m going to pat myself on the back and say I’ve put in a terrific effort but if I keep doing the same thing in the same way I’ll get worse results. It is that way with Alzheimer’s you know. It is only going to get harder.

Joseph spare yourself this stress and frustration. Give yourself and your Dad the present of a relationship that will survive by getting the help needed.

buckeyenut

OH my gosh I'm totally right there with you! It's been 5 long years of being basically my dads sole caregiver. I lost it after Christmas and let my siblings know I could no longer do it all. Dad is now in MC and I just want this nightmare over not only for my dad but for me! I want my life back and the ability to make my future plans. Watching this slow miserable disease killing my dad is awful!!

Hoot619

Joseph, I'm sorry to say it is not going to get any better.  The way he treated your mother and  now you and as this disease gets worse you can figure what is going to happen.

Memory care or assisted living can sure help, what ever he qualifies for.   I've got my wife at home and it's way past time for her to be cared by others.  Don't wait too long like I did. Hoot

Tfreedz

Joseph I hope you can start looking for somewhere else for your dad to go, this can be way too difficult to deal with. 

When my mom refused to shower, I tried many things. The one that worked the most was right after she used the bathroom, I would turn on the shower and say, “ perfect timing, I’ve got your shower ready!” In a very cheerful voice. I found out that she was confused by the knobs in the shower so that was one reason it worked since I already had it on for her. The other was it seemed very confusing for her to wrap her mind around taking an “unneeded” shower if she was nowhere near one. She would still sometimes refuse but I could usually get two a week like this. 

joseph58

Yes, I realize this will not get better.

To make things worse, this house has not been cared for in many years. Broken lamps, broken kitchen table, heavy dust and cobwebs everywhere, rotted fabrics, tablecloth.

Bathroom and shower needs renovation. It's not even a walk-in shower, you have to climb over the tub. Has one long safety bar that will allow someone to hold on to. He pulled the towel rack out of the wall years ago by putting all his weight on it.

This place, it's a living hell. 

Ok, I'm not giving up, I'm not young, but still young enough to have energy and know what to do.

Trying to find a Nurse, or a caregiver to come in during the day and attend to him. 

SusanB-dil

Glad you are finding someone.  and it may even take a couple of tries, but don't get discouraged.

If he doesn't like it, do learn to use fiblets.  Turn it around as if you are 'helping the help'.  'They are there because they need the extra hours for their certification', or 'They are just needing a few extra bucks' or 'it is for his medicaid update for coverage'.  whatever works!

mommyandme (m&m)

In my case, having caregivers come in is mostly for me and my sanity. Moms fine as long as a I can get away.  It allows me the patience I need to care for her when I’m on duty.  

We’re kind of past the stage of her refusing to do things cause she really doesn’t do anything but when she was opinionated I would do my best to approach her as any nurse or CNA would at a hospital or facility (and still do).  Id enter the room with a welcoming smile and ask her how she is, etc… then tell her what was happening and what she was going to do.  It’s time for your bath, time for your meds, etc…and I had to establish that it’s not up for discussion.  Of course I had to have the patience to accomplish this, hence the respite I needed.  They often aren’t capable of making good choices for themselves so we must do it for them, just like a child.  And like a dog, I think they can smell our fear.  The hospital staff usually doesn’t  enter a room with fear, right? Wish my approach worked every time but at least while I prepared to “go in” I’d feel some confidence.  

Joseph, I told mom Im not going to do (fill in the blank)..for her, yet here I am.  I know my moms bottom better than I know my own… Ugh! I understand everything you’ve shared, I’m sorry!  

sweepmore

I'm in the same boat.  I've been taking care of Mom for 4 years and I am in the stages of burn out.  Tired of fighting and arguing.   Blood pressure is through the roof when I have to deal with her.  I'm done.

live in daughter

Hi Joseph, just wanted to give my experience with hiring an agency to come help with my Mom. The first one we interviewed with seemed to fill all of our needs. My Mom sat in on the interview. But come the day of the aide coming to my Mom's apartment it was a non starter for my Mom. She started yelling GET OUT and the aide was never able to do anything that day. She left after only being there an hour.

Next day- different aide- same outcome. This went on for two more aides. The agency never tried to work with the aides to help engage with my Mom. The worst part was that we had signed a contract and paid up front for care. The agency refused to pay back any of the money.

We were able to secure a different agency- one that we paid by the day and that worked out better for our situation. 

So just a word of caution when looking at agencies- from my perspective.

I will keep you and your Dad in my prayers.

joseph58

Thanking all of you for your responses.

SDianeL

My husband was diagnosed this year. He would forget how long it had been since he took a shower. When I would remind him, he would get angry at me.  I'm reading a book called The 36-Hour Day that helped with that.  It explained that he didn't understand time - how long it had been and also it explains that the steps to taking a bath or shower are overwhelming to someone with memory loss.  So I made a deal with my husband that he needs to shower 2x a week at least and we go get him a newspaper 2x a week so he agreed to shower those days.  I also prepare the bathroom, get his towels ready, got him a chair to sit in and a step to get into the shower. I even turn on the water for him to get it warm. So far so good. He is in early stage of dementia so don't know how well it will work for someone in later stages but the book is very helpful.   I just joined this forum for help. I'm mentally and physically exhausted.

SDianeL

PS: my sister is in advanced stage dementia.  They are not being stubborn or mean. They are angry at the situation.  There are reasons they don't  cooperate. Find the reason and you can find ways to encourage them.  My sister wouldn't get out of bed yesterday.  There are tips in the book I posted earlier about how to get them up.