MIL 87 Dementia Now Hitting/Slapping

kato33745

HI  Need to know how to deal with MIL 87 Dementia, HOH, for the first time slapped me on the back when I went to open the front door, her, she came from behind me so I did not see her do it and there were no witnesses.  The  Hospice Nurse was at the door and I went to let her in. I did not react at the time as I was working from home at the time, still on the clock and I had to get back to my office but later I told my husband about it and he said  She doesnt mean anytning by it, and its ok.  I found out later that she told my husband in private that I was not supposed to be answering the front door, even though I have been letting nurses, Drs, in and taking medication deliveries, and since she is hearing impaired and a lot of times asleep when the nurse comes, I or my husband let her in. 

I asked him if she had hit him also, he said she had,, a few times once while he was driving getting on the freeway. I called the Social Worker who made a call to her Hosice and the nurse said to give her Ativan that we have for emergencies but but my husband said she was ok by then and she went to bed.

My husband thinks that MIL hititng us is no big deal, he says, its ok, shes ok, but I dont think I deserve to be hit because I opened the front door, I am assuming because she wanted to open the door herself and I was closer to it, and she was angry. We are hoping that maybe she can be put on a different medication, but if she gets dizzy or drowsy with some meds she wont take them, 

How can I handle this situation?, my husband says he cant do anything about it and seems to think its ok for her to hit , I told him I cant tolerate her being abusive as it could get worse. he told me she would never it me and she just did last week for the first time. I feel like I am the only one concerned about this, and I wiil have to take action when or if this happens again. Also my husband knows she may need go into Assisted Living sometime soon but he was told she is too sharp minded to go into assisted living right now.

Thanks for listening!

Ed1937

Hi Kato. Welcome to the forum. Sorry you have a need for it. Just a couple of things I'd like to respond to. First, hitting is not okay. There are medications that can help with that. You said you will have to take action if it happens again. What exactly does that mean? That you will hit her back? Please don't do that. It's not okay for her to hit, but it's not her fault. Her brain is not working correctly. It also would not be okay for you to hit her back. I've been slapped several times by my wife, and it was not okay. But I just put up with it because my health was not in jeopardy, and it wasn't to the point where I thought medications were necessary.

Who told your husband that she was too sharp minded for assisted living? I totally disagree with that. Many people with sharp minds use assisted living facilities.

dayn2nite2

Frankly I would consider divorce because your husband is clearly not going to protect you.

Or maybe marriage counseling?

Lynne D

Welcome Kato!

If she hit a caregiver or aide who came to your home to care for her, would your husband think that is OK? I am firmly in the “not OK” camp. My HWD is verbally and physically abusive at times, and with his doctor’s guidance, that is medically neutralized.

Best of luck to you in the multiple battles you seem to be fighting. No one deserves this.

Quilting brings calm

Sharp Mind has nothing to do with assisted living. Assisted living  is for people who need help in areas such as any of these: meal preparation cleaning, laundry, medication management, showering, dressing. Or those who have mobility issues such as using walkers, or np longer drive and need transportation to doctors etc.   Many residents are of sound mind but Infirm bodies. Yes, elderly with mild dementia live there too.  People with more severe dementia go to memory care. 

however assisted living facilities won’t accept people who hit or slap  others. 

Jo C.

Looks like I will take a bit of a different initial meandering thought path here.  There may be reasons why there is a "slap" from time to time and assessment would be a good place to start.  If she is not punching or slapping frequently for no reason whatsoever, or when care is being provided and she is being hurtful, or if she is not routinely aggressive in personality; I would not at this point be too upset.  If the slap is a minor sort of action and not a very hard, nasty slap with bad intent and is isolated only from time to time, that too may be something different to assess.  Assessment may lead to cause.   Communications can be a trigger for this sort of incident as well as frustration when communication is difficult and one cannot communicate easily or swiftly.  NOTE:  She is very hard of hearing; that is difficult for her processing and she may be somehow, in the dementia damage, even perhaps be projecting that you and your husband may also not be able to hear just like her, so she is communicating in a different way in her own mind.

With dementia, processing fast thinking to speak can be affected even when someone is not terribly hard of hearing; so instead of words, sometimes a Loved One (LO) may use an action instead of the words which are harder or elusive to format for the person. In such a situation, it would not be intended as a hurtful thing, but as a communication, and that can be worked with.  Start assessing by looking for the triggers that may be contributing to this new behavior.  Be sure to assess communications from others and from her.  Since she has damage to her brain AND is very hard of hearing, communication may be the trigger point for this and we may have to look at how ourself is communicating effectively and explaining.

As for the slap when opening the door; I would not take that personally at this point.  She may have, in her mind which is affected by damage from the dementia, and in her  hard of hearing, and not remembering you answer the door for healthcare providers, have thought there was a danger and it should be checked first before opening the door . . . OR, she is a mother; she probably told her children never to answer the door, and in her mind, that past dynamic is still there and in  the moment, it resurfaced.  She could not communicate swiftly and effectively in a verbal way, she did not know why the door was being opened, so it may have triggered her to communicate her feelings or concern in another way.

As for slapping out at your husband, same dynamics. IF she beings to slap and punch with harmful intent, and it is intended to hurt, and it is happening frequently; then that is something very different and there are meds her dementia specialist can prescribe that can help.  Here is a link regarding aggression and in the body of this, there is a link to go to regarding communication which is something that may be helpful:

https://www.alz.org/help-support/caregiving/stages-behaviors/agression-anger

This is not an excuse for intentional, harmful behavior; but rather, since it is a newer behavior and not her usual way of being, it is best to find out the "why's," and then to work with it to see if the behavior can be changed.  If it is communication that is the culprit, there are ways to work with that.  Never, never, ever hit back or get physical; that would be inappropriate and would be abuse.  How very difficult for her to have dementia as well as being hard of hearing and have communication affected.

NOTE:  A frequent cause for change in behavior can come from another rather odd source; that is, from the LO having a "silent" urinary tract infection.  These UTIs are called "silent," because there will be no physical signs of infection such as pain, burning, or frequency; BUT often, there will be a change in behaviors which can be moderate or severe until the UTI is treated, it would be best to have this ruled out.

Lots of opinions here, and physical attacks are not acceptable; but best to find out the reasons, the triggers, and see if there are specific dynamics causing it then take it from there.  This by the way, is being written by a daughter whose mother with FTD lashed out often; 24/7 -  but hers was with intent to cause harm and was frequent, so I understand the feelings especially when doing so much to be a good care provider.  No matter that we know the dementia is at fault, it still emotionally hurts.  In our case, since all lesser measures to deal with the problem failed, medication became necessary which the dementia specialist did prescribe and it was effective.

Let us know how it is going, and I send best wishes your way from one daughter to another,

J.

Jo C.

kato; here is an excellent source and considered to be one of the best writings on dementia each step as it progresses and WHY things happen. I suggest reading all of it from the beginning; I think it is about 30 pages long or so. It can also be printed off.  Your husband and any family members would also benefit from the excellent information:  "Understanding The Dementia Experience," by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller:

https://www.alzconnected.org/uploadedFiles/understanding-the-dementia-experience.pdf

J.

abc123

I'm sorry this is happening! Caregivers tolerate so much as it is, being slapped is too much. Ask the hospice nurse about ABH gel. It works great for some people and it's easy to apply. Good luck.

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