Advice? Stepping in for main caregiver for four days

joannab460

Hello,  I am so happy to find this community.  My father, 81 years old, was officially diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease about 1 year ago although he has been showing symptoms for quite some time prior to that.  My mother, 79 years old, has been his main caregiver for this time.  He is still physically able to care for himself, out of pain, and socially interactive which we are all very grateful for.  His short term memory has been severely effected though to the point where he repeatedly asks the same question over and over.  This is not usually a serious problem, but my mother will be traveling to visit her ailing sister for four days.  My sister and I will be staying with my father during this time.  We are getting detailed instructions from my mother about caring but want to make this temporary transition as easy as possible for him.  We are thinking of making a sign that says where mom has gone and notes she will return soon for us to place next to him and for him to reference.  Do you have any advice for us on how to proceed?  Thank you in advance.

M1

Hi joanna and welcome.  A sign is worth a try, but at some point signs and written messages don't work because the damaged brain can't process them.  You may just have to remind him over and over.  If he is losing his sense of time, it may work to just say she'll be back soon.  

This may be a real opportunity for you and your sister to scope things out in terms of how well your mom is coping---is the home clean and in good repair, is the food in the fridge fresh, are the bills paid, etc. etc.  At some point it may get to be too much for her, too.  Hopefully one or both of you already have powers of attorney in place?  You will also get a sense of how bad his dementia is--he likely relies on your mother a lot, and without her "scaffolding" being present, you may get a real sense of how advanced his disease is.  Good luck.

sunnydove

I think the signs are a great idea. When I was still able to go to work I used to have signs all over the place for Mom to see to remind her that I still live with her and I will be home soon. My work required me to travel for a few days at a time and I'd make a sign for the caregivers to switch out every day that said "Daughter will be home in 3 days/2 days/tomorrow" so she'd be able to look forward to my return. Later when she wasn't able to comprehend the passage of time I just kept it at "Daughter will be home tomorrow" so it seemed just around the corner and not too far away (but not so soon as to stay up waiting for me.) She liked reading the signs over and over (sometimes to herself, sometimes out loud) and it helped her feel more in control/aware of her situation/surroundings. You might even put a nice big picture of your mom with a sign right next to it where he can see it often. Not only will it remind him where she is, but seeing her picture will probably bring him comfort. And of course you can try to distract him with all the fun stuff you are looking forward to doing together (even if it's just watching funniest videos on tv, going for walks, puzzles) in the meantime. Good luck!

harshedbuzz

Hi and welcome. 

I am sorry for your need to be here but happy you found us. 

Firstly, good on you and your sister for stepping in to give your mom a chance to see her sister. The break will do her good, although I wish it was under happier circumstances. It'll be good for you guys as well to get a better feel for what mom's day-to-day looks like. Many spousal caregivers can be overly "discrete" in a bid to protect their kids from the realities of their failing parent.

The sign? It's hard to say whether this will be an effective strategy of not. A lot will depend on dad's stage and personality. 

Can he still read? My dad was able to decode well into his progression, but it was if he became hyperlexic with no real comprehension. He didn't have the working memory to recall the gist of the previous paragraph, so nothing engaged him after a time. 

Will he remember to reference the sign? A man who won't remember that his wife is visiting her sister is a man who will likely forget his loving daughter made him a sign to reference explaining where she is. He'll likely ask after her often and you'll have to repeat yourself gently as if it is the very first time so as not to upset him. PWD retain the ability to parse annoyance and frustration like it's their superpower, so you'll want to be mindful or the tone of your voice and facial expression.

I hope you have a nice time together.

HB

PS That cat is gorgeous. Is that a doll-faced himmie or a ragdoll or something else entirely?

GothicGremlin

Adding in my two cents -- I also wondered about your dad's ability to read. I know for my sister, reading went out the window very early on. Be prepared for your dad to continue asking where your mom is.

I too noticed your cat avatar. Such a pretty cat. Balinese?