A parent in denial, how to help.

Ema1

I have no idea how to help my parent. She's in denial about needing help or the level of her cognitive ability and memory. Several years ago she was diagnosed with cerebral small vessel disease. After learning more about the disease, I've learned that it is a cause of dementia, which she appears to have. She won't go to her doctor for a diagnosis; I'm sure she's afraid of what he'll say. 

Right now she is paranoid and won't talk to me, so it's hard to help her. Her phone gets shut off almost every month because she has troubles paying bills. She gets lost in town occasionally and her roommates have to go rescue her. Her road side service provider canceled her service because she called too many times asking for help unlocking her car (keys were inside). Her roommates have to be vigilant about the kitchen because she leaves the stove or oven on. They've said she no longer has the capacity to live alone, should they ever move out. 

I have POA but the lawyer said that I need a letter from her doctor stating she is incompetent. But if she won't go to a doctor, how does that work? The system doesn't make sense. I've asked how to stop her from driving, and was told I can't. She caused three accidents in one year, and cannot pay attention to road signs while she drives. She should not be behind the wheel. 

What can I do to keep her and others safe? I'm not the "just hope and pray for a miracle" type person. As her only child, I feel there is something I should be doing. But what? How do I help someone who won't talk to me? 

M1

Hi Ema and welcome to the forum.  You are absolutely correct that she should not be driving; if you have POA, I would report her to her insurance company, among other things, and there may be a way to report her to your state DMV as well.   You can even do things like lose the keys or disable/disconnect the battery.

I question what your attorney is telling you.  As for getting her to her doctor, you may have to do something like fake a letter from Medicare saying that a visit is mandatory or you'll lose your insurance, many others here have done similar things.  I would be making plans for other living arrangements, too, because at some point her "roommates" are likely to get fed up and either kick her out or move out--I would want to know whose name is on the lease or whatever.

Read up on anosognosia, it's much more than denial--it's part of the disease, and she really can't realize that anything is wrong.

You may need to get a second legal opinion.  You can look up certified elder law attorneys by location at nelf.org.  

Good luck, this is all quite difficult.  If you want to get a sense of where she is in the disease, look at Tam Cummings' stages of dementia.  Paranoia is a pretty advanced symptom.

Bob in LW

Hello, Ema, as for stopping her driving, it has been discussed in other posts here, and you MUST stop her from driving.  If she should get in a serious accident which is her fault, you would also be at fault because you have POA, knew that she was impaired, and allowed her to drive.  That could be a financial disaster for you. 

To get her to the doctor, you could talk to him/her ahead of time and advise them of the situation.  Then tell your mom that Medicare requires a routine checkup, so she has no choice. 

Iris L.

Ema1 wrote:

I have no idea how to help my parent. She's in denial about needing help or the level of her cognitive ability and memory. 

Welcome Ema.  Your mom is not in denial; she has anosognosia, a characteristic of dementia that causes the PWD to truly feel FINE!  If you try to confront her with reality, she will resist and become upset.  Learn the work-arounds from the members, they will help you.

Iris L.

Ema1

Thank you for your advice. I'll be looking into things further.