Questioning myself, did I make the wrong decision

notjolly

I am questioning if I acted to quickly, should I have left him in his apartment after taking him out of the rehab? In other posts I talked about how this all came at me out of the blue. I lived over 400 miles from by brother and when I got the call that he fell and broke his leg. I thought well I will go down and let him know I'm there for him. When I got down there everything kicked in to high mode. I found that he had some form of dementia. He said he wanted out of the rehab that they were trying to steal his money. I met with his VA doctor and she told me that they had noticed for sometime he was having problems with his memory. Also told me ,to my shock, he had stage 4 prostate cancer , with they figured about 2 years to live. 

Anyway I asked him if he would like to come live with me. Looking back I'm sure he would have said anything to get out of rehab and probably didn't really understand what coming to live with me ment. He told the nurses he was going to come live with me and that he was looking forward to it. So on that note I started clean out his apartment. Two trips later I had all his, important to him, stuff moved to my place . Of course it wasn't good enough and never will be.

He doesn't want to be here, thinks we are trying to steal all his money. Thinks he is a prisoner, that we tied him up and force him here. I guess it seems like that from his stand point. I'm figuring he is probably between end stage2 and into stage 3 with the dementia.

 I haven't got a POA yet ,need to have the VA doctor do a neuropsychological evaluation (Dec) then meet with a Elder Law attorney. My brother will not sign anything that has my name on it. If my name is on it he questions the reason why and I have to lie and tell him it's because I'm his emergency contact and they wanted it on there. 

 I wish I had just checked him out of rehab took him to his apartment and handed him the key and said good luck. It has been an awful two months. Not as bad as some I've been reading about here but it has screwed up our lives and I know it is only going to get worse. I feel responsible for ruining our lives and for uprooting him from all he ever knew. I wonder if I acted to fast. He is getting around better with the leg and has a few ,sort of, lucid moments. Wants to drive his car and go visit relative of which there are none. That's the next problem. 

Anyway just had to vent to someone. I feel trapped and it's my own doing.

SusanB-dil

oh, my, notjolly - 

Well, you may have helped him out of rehab too quickly - without thinking it all through, but at the same time, it sure doesn't sound like he should be left alone, either. Also sounds like at this point, agree that you should not think of allowing driving.

Do check the stages - if he is paranoid, he may be farther along than you think:  https://www.alzheimers.net/stages-of-alzheimers-disease

You may have to go for guardianship. Check with a Certified Elder Care Attorney to see what that may involve, and what you need to do - as well as what you can do for DPOA and HIPAA. 

Even without HIPAA, you can tell the doc what all the issues are that you are seeing, they just cannot communicate back to you.

This is hard!  We all hate 'this' horrid thing!!  ((hugs)) because I know you were  thinking of your brother.

notjolly

SusanB thank you for your reply,

 Yes he may be farther along with dementia than I think. They did a quick 20 min. test. don't know what they called it. He got a score of 14 out of 30. He is more lucid when he is relaxed but you say something that triggers him and then he forgets what he just said and repeats. Can't think of the word he wants to use. I have to talk slowly and don't use too many words. He starts talking to himself and sings little nonsence tunes. When he was in rehab he told me he worked there. He would take the table thats on wheels that goes across the bed and head off down the hallway poking his head in at the different rooms and sing these tunes that made no sense telling everyone he was entertaining them ,that was his job.

I would have left him in rehab longer but he only had Medicare part A so all he couldn't be in there for was 20 days.

I can't wait for the three hour test they are giving him in Dec. I tried to get that appointment pushed up to Oct. but VA doesn't seem to want to do that.

Yes I was trying to help him but honestly we were never close. I'm his last close relative so I had no chose I guess Just wonder what would have happened if I would have just took him back to his apartment and walked away. I keep telling myself that he probably would have done something stupid and killed himself doing it and then I would feel guilt. UGH...  He was a loner all his life doing just what he wanted to do when he wanted to do it. That is what he wants to do now. 

He was never there when our mom was going though alzheimers, my sister dealt with most of that and I helped out as much as I could with two small kids. 

sandwichone123

Notjolly, you did not make the wrong decision. Yes, it's miserable, but right now would have been miserable no matter what you did. It's the Alzheimer's that makes things miserable, not your decisions to cope with it. Your brother would have been unhappy in any case, but is unhappy, warm/cool and fed, and cared for.

You, and he, are unhappy, but you will not have guilt to live with over this unhappy time. You are not responsible for keeping  him happy--that's an impossible job, but you are responsible for being a person you can respect.

M1

Agree with sandwich 100% NJ.  You did not do the wrong thing.  He's probably past signing POA by what you say, and you may in fact have to seek guardianship or have one appointed, if you don't want to do it.  There are others here who have pursued "catastrophically diasabled" categorization from the VA, you might want to check into that to see if he qualifies and what help it might bring you.  I wouldn't expect too much from the December appointment--he has dementia and you already know it.

Just a medical question you may want to ask:  I wonder if his leg fracture was related to the prostate cancer, it spreads to bone frequently, and can cause "pathologic fractures" if the bone broke at a point where there was a cancer metastasis.  This is very painful and very difficult to heal, and to me it would be worth knowing if that was the case.  It may affect your planning, too, because if it's happened once, it could happen again.

Sorry you are having such a difficult time.  Is he on medication for the paranoia?  There are meds that might help.  All the agitation is probably unpleasant for him, too, so there's multiple reasons to treat it.

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Iris L.

Learn about anosognosia and realize that much of what he says is based on him truly believing that he is fine and that he can manage his own affairs and can get a car and go visit non-existent relatives.  You are doing the right thing.  Find a good memory care facility for him and then visit.  The members will have great advice!

Iris

notjolly

Thank you everyone. This coming week I will find an elder lawyer and try to get some answers. Also interested in that catastrophically diasabled categorization from the VA.