FEAR OF SOCIALIZING

Margueritejudy

My sister, who has mild cognitive impairment, lives in a separate apartment in our independent living retirement community. She has trouble pulling out the words and has little short-term memory but functions well in this environment (with reminders from Amazon Alexa and text messages from me). In fact, she likes the friendliness of our community and how this setting removes most of her fears since all her needs are met here. We have turned off the circuit breaker on her stove and I bought her an automatic shut-off tea kettle so she has been functioning safely (all meals are provided here).

However, today we were invited to a small cousins gathering (about 10 people, who we grew up with) and she said her first reaction was fear. She is afraid to go because she fears she will be overwhelmed and want to “flee” even though these are people she dearly loves. In reality, she has done well in social situations in our community. There has been only one situation in which she felt she had brain fog and couldn’t interact well with the other person.

I suggested she can say no now or wait until the “day of” to decide whether she wants to go. I don’t want to push her to do anything uncomfortable. However, I know she would also like to see the cousins and would probably be fine. The same thing happened for my granddaughter’s birthday party when the group was about 8 people and she didn’t go. Is this a typical fear for someone at this stage (probably stage 3-4) and should I just focus on whatever makes her comfortable? She felt bad that she didn’t go to the birthday party but I told her she has to do what is comfortable for her.

M1

Marguerite it is so hard to know what to do in these situations, but I'd probably let her call the shots and not worry about it and not call her attention to it.  My partner withdrew socially from about stage 3 onwards, it became harder and harder for her to interact.  I'm not sure we caregivers can completely fathom the reasons behind it.  8-10 people doesn't sound like a lot to us, but 1-2 may be more appropriate for someone with dementia.

Iris L.

Is she on Aricept or Exelon?  Exelon patch helped me with my speech in social situations.

Iris

Rescue mom

This seems pretty common, from what I hear in Support groups and certainly in my own experience. My DH with Alzheimer’s was a huge party person, Mr. Social, any event, and if there wasn’t one happening, we’d create one. The more the merrier.

That disappeared fast and early. He started by not talking much, then if we were in any kind of crowd, he’d get away to a quiet/isolated space—even though he’d insist on going. And he may have seemed fine, except being so quiet. Pretty soon he’d simply leave the room even when people came to the house—even family. More than 1-2 people, he was unhappy. 

He’d always say beforehand, though, he wanted to see or do whatever it was. For a long time I believed him,then there was a shorter time I thought he needed to socialize. Maybe so, but it upset him too much. I would never force or push him on that.

He did best with 1-2 people who worked to accommodate him—talk slowly, not interrupt or change subjects quickly, etc; not say “do you remember…”  And understand he was likely to leave very soon after he saw them, no matter what.

 Now he does not even say beforehand he wants to go anywhere.

HollyBerry

We've tried a happy medium between the way we'd each like to handle a social gathering like that.  We arrive early, so she can get situated when there are only a couple people there.  We find a space where it won't get crowded (not sitting at the kitchen island!) and where she can watch the action without being physically in the middle of it, but where people will find their way over to talk.  We don't stay terribly long, and we plan that in advance so I can repeat the plan -- "we're going to stay for a little while and you can decide if you want to stay for dinner"  -- "I told her that the dog has been sick and we'll have to leave early.  You can tell me when you're ready to go and I promise we'll leave then."  I've also found that one thing per day makes that one thing a lot more enjoyable for all involved = if we have social plans, I don't make her do anything else before or afterwards.  That can be hard on a weekend but it's worth it!  Another thought - clothing - it sounds weird, but some people have anxiety around getting dressed up or getting ready for going someplace where they feel like they'll be judged.  I'll make a vague suggestion - "I love the color of that blue fleece that I just took out of the wash" - or "bring home" a new pair of earrings.  Just don't make it sound like you're telling them what to do or picking out their clothes for them!