60 falcon

Ed1937

Just had you on my mind. How are you doing?

60 falcon

I'm not sure how to answer that. Lost, broken, and sad. 

I hated being a caregiver much of the time.  I hate what Alzheimer's did to me, Pat, and our family.  But at least I could see a problem and then usually be able to figure out how to deal with it.  With all the losses over the years, I wondered if I'd even have anything left to grieve. Yep.  I think I expected a sense of relief or freedom that hasn't come.

I'm haunted by some things that I said to her in the last few months of her life when things were so hard, it's like my mouth opened and the devil took over. Once the words are out you can't taken em back.  I'm haunted by images in my mind of her last days.

I've got all the time in the world now and absolutely nothing interests me or feels right.  I just try to stay busy with one thing or another.

It took years to get here and I think it's going to take years to maybe feel better. For me, this might actually be harder than being a caregiver for someone with dementia, oh sh--.

Ed1937

I completely understand. One more week, and it will be three months for me. It seems to be getting a little better, then it hits again. 

"I'm haunted by some things that I said to her in the last few months of her life when things were so hard, it's like my mouth opened and the devil took over." I think this is something we all struggle with when it's over. But we have to remember that we are human. We have emotions, and we sometimes act on them. I'm sorry it's so hard, but we'll both get through this.

Hoot619

Your not the only one who said things that I wish never came out of my mouth and some of the thoughts I had. We are prone to make mistakes and some we wish never happened. This disease is a taker and as a caregiver at times just loose it. Not being the one we should.

I read in the Nerologist's office when Jan first was having troubles, I wasn't suppose to raise my voice etc among other things and at first it wasn't so hard to do. But when things with her went to hell it took me along with it. We have to remember we did the best we could but at times we kind of lost it. it makes me feel a little better than I wasn't the only one. We share on here and we care on here but it doesn't make us perfect but it does make us a little better. Hoot