Three siblings abandoning me, the caregiving son. Anyone else?

Martin Robbins

Not prepared for this at all.  It just happened today.  How do you handle the prospects of no family after Mom passes?  Father died many years ago.

Sister says she is leaving as soon as Mom passes.  Will not attend brief service at funeral home and cemetery.  My two brothers have also advised me they won't come.  Maybe it's because they lead "alternative lifestyles," and I am straight as can be, that they admittedly hate me so much.

Despite my two years of caregiving for our mother, and handling other incidental things, e.g. POAs and Will, all finances, finding medical specialists, flying back and forth several times to calm a bad situation when she lived with my sister, etc., they have just heaped on the hate.

I do have one close friend who might come to the funeral.  Otherwise, it's private.  As many of you know, it's been a long haul.

Ann1965

My siblings abandoned our family long ago, prior to my dad's death.  Now I am taking on caregiving for my mom and expecting one of them to cause problems even though they have not shown any care for our parents in the past 20 years.  I suspect we are not alone in these types of situations.  It is difficult to be alone in this, but I know it's the right thing to do.  I try not to be bitter about it or to regret what I do.  It is simply my path in life.

GothicGremlin

I'm so sorry, Martin, this is really difficult stuff.

I'm in a similar situation, although not the same. My sister Peggy is the one with dementia, and my brother has been nothing but horrible, almost as soon as she was diagnosed. At this point he hasn't seen Peggy is more than a year.

There's nothing I can do about this situation, he is who he is and he's not going to change. I don't need the aggravation so I just let the whole thing go. I've moved on, and my headspace is better. Thankfully, Peggy has a couple of devoted friends and they make up my team. 

I don't have great advice, everyone's family is different, but I guess I'd do whatever was needed to keep an even keel. 

PickledCondiment

Martin- Those of us responding to your post are generally in the same situation. You cannot make people responsible or caring.  Factually (and harshly) the sooner you accept these facts and decide to move on with your life, the quicker the healing begins.  

I've come to accept my family has no interest in what happens to either my mother (w/dementia) or me as the sole caregiver.  They are simply waiting for whatever assets there may be left for them to claim when all is done. I've also accepted that not having them as family and finding, creating new 'family' is the best course of action for me. 

jmlarue

I'm so sorry for you. I experienced similar feelings of abandonment as my mother's caregiver. I have no doubt that a lot of caregivers have similar stories to tell. When we're going through such hardship, it's not uncommon to be overwhelmed by the grief. It can and does feel very much like a mass casualty event in which your whole family has been lost on the same sinking ship. I don't think it's too early for you to seek professional grief counseling. Perhaps, an independent third party can help you understand that your sibling's words and actions are not grounded in hatred for you but, rather, in their own inability to cope with the impending death of their mother. In my own family, there were ones who salved their grief by laying blame, carrying an unreasonable burden of guilt, or simply avoiding anything that reminded them of death (like attending the funeral or a memorial). Individual expressions of grief can appear unfathomable when they don't fall in line with what we feel is right or proper. Discussing your feelings of rejection and abandonment with a grief counselor may help you to find a path toward reconciling with your family. I think it's worth the effort to try.

CanyonGal

You are NOT ALONE.

I have been the sole caregiver - DPOA and health surrogate - for the last 3 years. What started out as shared responsibilities ended when dementia appeared. After 4 weeks, my younger sister who lives closest to my mother decided she didn't want the health surrogate responsibility and exited out. My older sister is not involved.  I live in another state, but I have stayed 6–8-week periods through various health crisis - first while mom was at home and later while she was in assisted living.

When my mother had to have surgery early this year (where she could possibly die), my sisters magically appeared, demanding control of finances and health decisions - the day before surgery! Neither my mother nor I had seen either one for 2 years! My mother told them 'no changes' because she still had enough to see through the BS. Can you imagine? Waltzing into a hospital, demanding legal changes, the day before surgery, instead of being supportive, while being absent for 2 years? It totally baffled me. 

Anyway, since then, (mom survived surgery) there have been a few visits (when I am not there) where care is complained about and tokens of how they will help but no action to back up the moving lips. I am very disgusted over the behavior (greed) and pretend caring when I have had to shoulder everything for 3 years. 

And I wonder about the funeral, whether I really want to see "family" who have not helped but are only there for the financial outcome of the will. The pretense of caring. There are only a few friends of my mom who would come to a funeral, so I haven't figured that part out beyond already purchasing a grave spot at the local cemetery and cremation costs. 

Martin Robbins

Thanks for being here, Ann.  Some people, even our siblings, change so much over the years.  I truly under-estimated the hatred.  Thankfully, w/ the aid of buspar from my nurse practitioner, I've been able to achieve some of what Gremlin calls "headspace." 

I hope you will do well for your mom.  It can be a hard row to hoe - we know.  Hope you will take care of yourself, too.  That's what people keep telling me.

Glad that you are here.

Martin Robbins

I wish I also could put it behind me, Gremlin.  Different situations ....

I really like the term headspace.

Martin Robbins

Wise words, Pick.  I can tell.

Martin Robbins

This family has been dysfunctional for a long, long time.

I told my NP about my situation.  She prescribed buspar, which has helped.

I feel so badly for my mother.  Sge lied in a nice condo when the dementia began.  I know it scared her,a dn she moved (from Pittsburgh) in with my sister in Texas.  The dementia grew even worse.  As you may know, people with Alzheimer's don't necessarily mind their Ps and Qs.  If my mother did something that irritaed her, or yjat she didn't like, she retaliated, screaming, swearing, ....  I flew down there several times to try to calm things.  In the end I brought her home.  Glad I did, and glad she's been w/ me the past two years.  I was able to do things to calm her and provide for any of her needs: fix her favorite foods, find her fidgeting toys, buy any clothes she wanted, etc.  But, now, she lies there in the hospital bed withering away to skin and bones, and the sorrow grows.   She was once a very beautiful woman.  I used to tell her I had the best looking mother anywhere.

Martin Robbins

From all I have read here, CG, it seems these problem siblings are darn* certain that we will always step-up to care for our parents.

FloydSnax

It saddens me to hear this but saddens me even more knowing how many of us are in this same darn* boat. Thankless is one thing...abandonment is straight heartless. I used to hear stories about this and would think, "Thank god my peeps would be there for me and/or my mom. I was shocked! They pathetically try to throw in their two cents here and there, when a dollar might save me! But sadly enough, it is what it is. And there's no gray here. Its black or white. Out of sight...out of mind. They have barely a clue to what you're going thru and that's enough for them. I mean really. why would they want to go through any of this? My only advice would be not to let this realization affect the way you treat the loved one you're caring for. Good Luck

Appy

I sure understand! I have one brother. He has MS and uses that as his excuse to not help at all. I have POA and take care of everything concerning Mom. She lives across the driveway from my husband and I. I have spent the last three years hiring caregivers for her, letting the ones go who are not a good fit and looking for a replacement on top of everything else! Three years ago my brother told me that he would do anything he could to help but every time I called him to help he was too busy or not feeling like leaving the house. He chooses to wallow in his MS. I understand he has hard days but don't offer help and then back out. I have finally had to get to a place where I don't even bother to ask. The five ladies who care for her and I do it all. Her estate is buttoned up and so are final arrangements so we will carry on to the end. It's sad when families don't seem to be able to pull together to help care for a parent.

Martin Robbins

You're right, of course, Floyd.  I did not let the abandonment affect the way I cared for my mother.  I tended to her and hired nurses aides off-hours to come in until my mother was asleep.

To me, the abandonment is just plain incredible.  We weren't raised that way.

My mother lived with me on hospice.  After she passed on Monday, all three siblings left together, leaving me here alone.  No one calls to see how I am.

Martin Robbins

My next younger brother is like that, Appy.  It's irritating, but, like you, I understood.

The only thing I could depend on was me doing every single thing myself.  I began by taking my mother to an attorney early in 2016 when she still understood about POAs and a Will, and could still sign her name.

It was about that time, too, that I began making monthly contributions to the local RC parish.   My mother had a wonderful priest give her Last Rites.  We stood at her bedside, talking, for about an hour, and she was smiling throughout.  When my next younger brother came, later, she said to him, "I'm going home."  Last words she ever spoke.