Daddys no longer the one I knew

Brokenhearteddaughte

So I'll just go right to to this.My father is 73 y/o,I am the oldest of 2 other sisters.I am primarily the one who takes care of financial matters.My Dad has been diagnosed with AZ for about a year and half now.He refuses any sort of meds,in denial of his illness.Latelt he's been destructive,breaking into my mom's room looking for things to hoard or eat.Hes gotten lost in the neighborhood someone had to help him home.He fights with my mom all the time,I fear for her safety as he's already tried choking her. He is declining rapidly and I feel so out of control with my emotions they are a wreck!can't concentrate or see anything that reminds me of him or I start crying.I feel like I've lost control of my emotions.I don't know how to deal with this stress and crying.Im stronger than this.I need someone to talk to because I feel so alone and my mom doesn't seem to be as supportive as I need her to be,she's stressed out herself because she deals with his behavior on a daily.We have tried to take him to a neurologist and he threw a fit when he realized what he was there for.Hes out of control and we're trying not to put him in a nursing home until he gets worse.Please help me I need a friend who understands what I'm going thru.

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

Hoot619

You did good getting on here, I'm proud of you. You will be getting some very good advice from others that will chime in.  Caregivers that have thru what your Mother is going thru now.My story was a little different but I listened to the advice I got. I wish I would have followed it right from the start.  Hoot

Martin Robbins

Extremely important, Brokenhearted, what Victoria said about power-of-attorney and guardianship.  First, you DO NOT want to go through guardianship.  I had to send my lawyer $6,500 just to begin.  To some that may not be a lot of money.  My siblings soon acquiesced and I got my 6,500 back.

Three documents one needs at the outset: In my state they are called General, Durable Power of Attorney, Living Will, and Last Will and Testament.  Durable means it does not matter from then on whether the person becomes disabled in any way, the designated agent will continue with the same powers.

Know that you will be dealing with psychiatrists at a geriatric psych unit.  And, I have no use for them, whatsoever.  I have seen the critical harm they do.  Not long ago a close friend's 30-year-old daughter was having a bad time of it emotionally.  I told him let her PCP prescribe her medicine.  No psychiatrists.  Find a good psychologist for her.  And things have worked-out wonderfully.

I had my mother sent by ambulance to a geriatric psych unit for evaluation; not treatment.  Because she was behaving unusually strange, snd her PCP recommended I do so.  But, I did not have medical POA (also called Health Care Directive and Durable Power of Attorney for Healthcare) through the Living Will.  My youngest brother did.  When I signed the form for her evaluation, the nurses in the ER looked at me like what I later knew was "Are you sure you want to do this?"  For the first two days, I had control because they knew she lived with me.  On the third day my youngest brother visited and gave them his medical directive.  I was not allowed to visit her.  I was not allowed to find via phone how she was.  We had a phone conference among myself, the psychiatrist, unit head nurse, social worker, and my three siblings.  I ripped the psychiatrist up one side and down the other.  My siblings all jumped on my case, arguing against me.  You see, the P-doc wanted to give her seroquel, but I disallowed it.  My brother then allowed it in increasing doses when he took control.  She was there for two weeks.  I went to the local ER because my jaw hurt so darn bad.  Doctor asked whether I was clenching or grinding my teeth.  Sure enough, they released my mother back to me.  (They tried to find a facility to put her in; but I called both facilities and told them I have financial POA and they would never get paid.  lol  And, that was that.  I took her home, jaw pain went away.  And Mom had no seroquel ever again, and didn't need it.  I said, 'I'm glad you're back home with me, Mum."  She said, "Me too."

Oh, yeah!  The ER doc discovered my mother had a "silent UTI," but no one ever said anything.

Brokenhearteddaughte

So yesterday I took my Dad and mom out to a live music co cert,it was out by the bay.I think we all needed to get out and my Dad was so happy,he did not act up and was in good spirits.He was even singing along to the radio and whistling on our drive back home which is really not like him cuz he never sang.But I was so happy to see him enjoying himself.After the concert we went to dinner and he did really well.I felt so much more better than I have been lately.I think I cried my sorrows away.Ive been talking to several people and let my feelings out and I really think it helped me to release my feelings.I think outings will be done more often because I know that life is short and I want to spend as much time with my parents as possible.

harshedbuzz

BHD-

I'm glad you had a lovely outing with your parents but don't let it lull you into thinking you aren't in the midst of a crisis.

Care needs at a PWD's worst drive the level of care required-- full stop. 

He has already demonstrated himself to be an uncooperative individual capable of not just aggression but violence. When he tries this again, he could kill or harm your mom and end up in jail spending all of the money needed for his care on legal representation. Or the cops could shoot him.

Poster Lady Texan wrote a great piece on steps to keep mom safe in the interim before you have his behavior under control or placement completed. At the very least, your mom needs a charged cell phone on her person at all times and she needs a room into which she can escape that has a good lock and egress to the outside. The house needs to be made as safe as possible. That means guns are removed (if he greets the police at the door with a gun, they will kill him), knives, tools, and anything that can be weaponized including sports equipment, cast iron pans, fireplace tools and small tables.

In your shoes, I would locate the hospital in your area that has a geriatric psych unit and have him transferred by ambulance the next time he's aggressive. From there he'd be admitted for medication management and you could have their social worker help you find a placement or even consider returning home if that is mom's choice and it's deemed safe. 

FWIW, no nursing home or MCF will take him without an evaluation which he'd likely fail given your description. My own dad was not accepted by my mom's first choice facility and he was pretty well-behaved during his entrance interview. 

In terms of family dynamic. Dad likely has anosognosia which is a condition in which a person with dementia or mental illness is unable to recognize that they aren't OK. This is not denial-- this is a case of their reality being that they are just as capable as ever. Pointing out your reality will only anger them.

Given that you mom is living the 24/7 shift with an uncooperative and abusive PWD, you should look elsewhere for support. Ideally, you should be the one doing the support now. This group is great for understanding what you're feeling. My mom got a lot of benefit from her IRL support group people and also from her psychiatrist and therapist. I strongly urge you to seek out some short-term professional support. And do consider medication if this is not something you can get through without losing yourself in the other aspects of your life.

HB

Hoot619

Brokenhearted, I'm so glad you are on here now, yesterday was a beautiful day for your whole family. But I am sorry to say it won't continue. Sooner or later your Dad will be in the same mode as he was before.   The one's that have posted on here have gone thru the same thing.

For your Mom's safety and yours, that is why you are getting good advice. In a fit of anger your Mom could be gone. Your Dad has no control of himself at times.  He wants what he wants now and won't listen to reason.  In his broken mind he is doing the right things.

That is what this horrible disease does to a person. Please follow the advice given, we never know how or what or where or when things will happen.  You and your mother have to be safe from your Dad, and he has to be safe for himself also.  Your friend Hoot

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

LicketyGlitz

Besides all the great suggestions, my two cents is to get the meds into him! Crush 'em, put them in his morning coffee, his mashed potatoes, pudding, ice cream. They will help get him to a better place, not great maybe, but less aggression, and then there's a chance for cooperation from him. You or your mom need to get crafty, and trust us, a lot of us go through this stealth medicating, then you can take the next baby steps.

I know I would wear myself out in frustration thinking I had to solve all the problems at once in dementia. Like you, I would come hear, or another caregiver resources and get advice that always started small, get the first problem solved (his current behavior), then solve the next problem (potentially different living arrangements), then the next and so on.

You and your mom are currently doing the best you can! Solve the first problem, then the next step will be easier, whatever you determine the first problem to be.

Good luck to all three of you!