Really hard to deal with stepdad— mom’s caregiver

Geborah

With my mom’s dementia my stepdad has become a combination of denial and blocking proper care plus pushing all his anger onto me and my sister. We tried for years to be compassionate but after a few years and as she’s declined and his denial and lack of proper care for her has gotten worse (as she worsens and she only gets increased care if we do the research and then go into strategic battle with him to make it happen) it’s become impossible. He tells us we’re terrible daughters. He says I’m lying about talking to my mom after her eye surgery. He screams at me that my sister is a bitch (to me, not to her face). If this was any other relationship I’d cut him out of my life but I can’t do that because he’s my mom’s husband. He often acts cordial in person because he’s largely conflict avoidant but then he has outbursts and makes threats and causes my mother to get distraught because he is upset and she doesn’t know why. I stay calm and try not to to react and to let my mom know it will be ok but it takes a toll on me. How can I deal with this for the rest of her life? This is hard enough without his creation of chaos and his emotional abuse.

M1

Sounds very stressful G. The key question: who holds her power of attorney? If he has it but you think he's neglecting her, you may have to get an attorney yourself to find out what options you may have. And/or you can call adult protective services, but i wouldn't do that without legal counsel first.

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