Vacation worries

Love Matters

My husband and I are going out of the country for 11 days soon. My Mom heavily depends on me even though she is in MC facility. I'm her only caregiver outside of MC. I wish I wasn't so anxious about leaving. I know it will help me and my husband to get away. I don't know if I should tell her we are going. She has been in MC for one month and it's been a very stressful time. She still packs up her things almost every day but seems to be adjusting some better overall. I've let the staff know and they say don't worry but I still do. Anyone here taken a long vacation away from LO in MC? Any ideas on how I should prepare her or not?

Quilting brings calm

I normally do not tell my mom when I go on vacation.  I let the director and the nurse at the assisted living facility know.   If possible, I call every other day to briefly  check in with her, but I don’t tell her that I am out of town.  Like you I am my parents’ only caregiver and I deal with their bills, medical appointments. Etc. 

Here is why I don’t normally tell her( and why I’m kicking myself for deviating from that).  Mom asked me a couple of weeks ago if I was going on vacation. I mentioned that we were going in December and again in January, because I need to go somewhere without snow and ice this winter.  I had a couple vertebrae fractures last winter.  She immediately went into panic mode about who was going to take care of her and my step-dad  and how were they going to more or less survive.   It’s ridiculous.  The assisted living center will make sure they are taken care of while I am gone. Should an emergency arise, they will call an ambulance.  They have vans to transport them if they need to go somewhere, or they will run an errand for them.

I mentioned my mom’s panic to the director,  her immediate response  was that nothing about their daily life would change while I was gone.  In other words, all their needs would continue  to be met. 

Unfortunately this type of thing will stick in her head while what she did 30 minutes ago won’t. So I will hear about it a lot. 

GemsWinner12

I would Not tell her that you are leaving on a trip. At best, she will remember that you're leaving and be distressed. Worst case scenario (I think) would be that she forgets and you keep reminding her, she cries...repeat cycle.  A few months before my mother passed in memory care, I took a trip to Ecuador for about nine days. That was over four years ago and I'm Very Glad that I took the trip.  Of course I felt guilty, but there was simply no way to take her with me, and I wouldn't have had the chance to go at any other time.  I needed the mental break, and she was well taken care of in the facility.

Suzzin

My mom has been packing her things for three years, starting when she was still in the house she lived in for 25 years.  It's a thing that many people with Alzheimer's go through, there's usually no way around it. 

For me, when we go away (taking son to college, for example), I will mention it as a point of conversation but I won't make a big deal about it. It's probably more for my own comfort, so I know I've told them I'm going. But if I make a big deal (we're leaving on Tuesday! Look at the calendar, I'll be back on Friday!) it seems to trigger her "someone is going somewhere, it must be me, I need to pack to go home because I'm going home tomorrow!" anxiety. I have a set schedule for calling them even when I'm here, so I just make a point of calling at the same time and saying hey, how are you, I'm good, etc.

Go! You are working full time caring for her even if you're just spending every minute of every day worrying. 

eaglemom

Deep breath here. This is something all caregivers probably struggle with at one point or another. You need to go on your vacation, that is a given. The other given is that the MC facility will meet your mother's needs. (Maybe not how she'd like or how you would do something, but her needs will be met.) 

Go on the vacation and try to relax. The MC will contact you in the event of an emergency. If you speak with your mom daily by phone do that, very brief - but keep that up. Hearing each other's voices will help you both. I know it always did for me. 

Go and enjoy. Relax and take time for yourselves.

eagle

zauberflote

What everyone else said. I vacationed normally while Mom was in MC, so during her time there I was gone three times, twice for a week and once for two weeks. My farewell words at each visit were "see you again soon!", and of course "soon" didn't mean much to her. She never seemed aware that I'd been gone longer than usual between visits.