I place DH in MCF

Kenzie56

I placed the love of my life in a private MCF last week. The story is that I have to have surgery and he is in this facility for "awhile" because I can't care for him while I am recovering.  He is only 71 and feels he is with all these "old people" and wants to leave.  He has been trying to escape every chance he gets for a week and his anxiety is sky high.  His neurologist adjusted his meds - we'll see.  He is worried about me and feels he needs to take care of me.  Maybe the "procedure story" wasn't a good one to use.  He has anosognosia and thinks he is fine. I was thinking the day I placed him would be the hardest day of my life, but I've discovered the rollercoaster after that day has been truly awful.  I have this overwhelming desire to go "rescue" him and bring him home.  Logic and intelligence tells me this is a bad idea and give it time - but the emotional pain is so great that I can't think clearly.  I feel I totally abandoned him and can't shake that feeling.  The professionals keep telling me this is normal - but that doesn't help - this is heart wrenching.  I thought I was a strong person and could care for him at home until I couldn't...I did this for him and me.  Home health care did not work for us.  I totally feel I failed him and just can't get a handle on this whole disease.  It is so cruel in so many ways.  For those whole have placed their LO - how long will it take until he settles down?  I'm sure it is different with everyone - but just knowing he is sitting by the double doors trying to get out just kills me.  I can't type any longer through my tears.

Gig Harbor

Kenzie I did not go and see my husband for 3 weeks. I called and talked to the staff and they said he was fine. When I finally went in he was happy to see me but never asked to come home. He thinks that when I leave it is because I am going to work. I thought he would be one of the higher functioning residents but he is not. I feel very guilty at times but then a part of me says that I helped him have a 21 year retirement and now it is my turn. It is a relief to not have to worry about him walking away or taking things apart. He doesn’t seem to have his delusions and fixations about needing to work there. At home they could go on for hours. I could have kept him home but I always worried about what would happen if I was suddenly injured or sick and had to go to the hospital. There would really be no one who could step up and organize a move for him. I feel sad and guilty that I now have time to live my life but I realize that he has zero recall of our years together and only lives in the moment. I hope your husband settles in soon. Are they recommending that you stay away for a period of time?

Kenzie56

Hi GH...yes, I am staying away for a while.  Probably, like you, 3 weeks. I am his trigger, so to help him through the transition, this is best. He has been glued to my hip for 5 years. I had locks on doors, watched the same movies with him every day (which he didn't watch but wanted them on), took him everywhere with me and went down grocery store isles looking for him...and finally the bathing, shaving, cleaning up after him got the best of me.  He would get in this OCD loop and showed me the same photo albums 100 times per day.  I knew he needed socialization and something to help redirect him...I was just so exhausted I couldn't think of anything any longer and found myself not functioning very well myself.  The logic side of me knows this is the right decision especially since he was leave seeking here at home and became so unpredictable...but just trying to soldier through the placement.  Thanks for letting me know "the sun will will come out tomorrow".

toolbeltexpert

Kenzie  Your emotions and feelings are exactly as I have felt and sometimes still do. The rollercoaster seemed to have a long steep downward ride at first, and it is still the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but it was right. Each time I leave, I feel that feeling of abandoning my Dw and with a long ride home alone I can get depressed. It has lessened to a degree and times when being alone and some little thing can bring the tears alive again. But it has gotten less. Others have expressed that their lo wouldn't know in less than 5 minutes whether they had even been visited that is so true. Yesterday I didn't go in the morning and got there after lunch, DW said "where have you been for 3 weeks," today it was a week. So if I wasn't there tomorrow would she know? probably not, but I do. But I realize if I am gonna ever visit our families or do something that takes all day, I guess I'll have to work up to it. As for your dh settling in you answered your own question. They had to lock up my Dw stuff because she was repacking it every day, before this facility I was just unpacking it every day, I would put it all back out. I like this new way, she doesn't even know it's there till they lay it out her clothes for her. Her world is truly minimized now. I guess I just wanted to say yep without a lot of explaining why, but wanted you know that we are all share to some degree, some if not all of these feelings and they are hard and we have to work thru them. Thanks for sharing 

Stewart

Kenzie56

Stewart, thank you so much for sharing.  I can go to bed tonight with hopeful feelings.  I hang on to those who have placed their LO and have survived the placement process - as hard as it is.  I place my MIL 4 years ago (and passed in 2020) and lost both parents in the last 10 years to cancer...but this has been by far the hardest and most painful experience. Thank you so much...I am thankful for the support and time you took to respond and share.

Gig Harbor

Kenzie I applauded you. You lasted longer than I did. I really hope your husband settles in as well as my husband has done. I look at placement now as another step on our life journey. If I live long enough I will be in placement because I would never have my daughter give up her career to care for me. All I will ask is that she find someplace nice and visit me. I may even pick out my own place a few years before I actually need it. This thought helps me to not feel so guilty.

M1

Kenzie it was close to six months before i could visit. And still after six months, she says she's leaving every day and still has all her stuff packed up. Best I think to be prepared for the worst and be pleasantly surprised if it's anything better....

clndaniels

I am getting ready to place my DH in a private MC in a few weeks and I am already feeling the guilt that I will be able to do things while he cannot. He has had Alz for 5 years and has had to have caregivers constantly (me or paid ones) for the past 2 years. My family and friends all tell me it is the best and that the socialization will be good for him, but I am already grieving the move. As all of you have said it is the hardest thing I have ever done even though I know it is wearing me out lately as he has become very belligerent and started cursing and yelling. The doctor prescribed divalproex, but so far it is not working.

Joe C.

Kenzie, My DWs transition to MC was very seamless so I really can’t provide input on how long it takes others to adjust. I can totally relate to your feelings of “totally abandoning” him though but this is certainly not the case, you are providing him the best care possible under impossible circumstances. I place DW 10 months ago and although she is happy in her new environment I still have feeling that I could have done better & kept her home longer. At times I feel the desire to bring her home but I have to remind myself that “home” was not a safe place for her. I was not capable of keeping eyes on her 24/7 and could not provide the socialization she needed. I know your feelings about placement are painful but they are totally normal.

Beachfan

Kenzie56 wrote:

I was just so exhausted I couldn't think of anything any longer and found myself not functioning very well myself.  The logic side of me knows this is the right decision especially since he was leave seeking here at home and became so unpredictable...

 

Kenzie, Read what you wrote here, re-read it, and read it again.  Sometimes (oftentimes), placement is as important for the caregiver as it is for the LO.  I thought I would care for DH at home forever; he was easy to care for.  Looking back, I realize that’s all I  did; I was drowning in caregiving, inches away from misery and resentment.  There was no adjustment for DH; by the time he was placed he was progressed to the point of oblivion, so I can’t advise you on the time it might take to settle in.  DH is in a MCF for 10 months now and every so often I have a fleeting thought about the wisdom of my decision.  “Fleeting” is the operant word here, and I quickly return to living as DH would wish for me.  This is the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do, but step one is done.  Every roller coaster ride ends; you will survive.  Stay strong; you have hordes of supporters among these forum members.  One day at a time; it will get better.  

Paris20

Kenzie, there comes a time when we become responsible for all decisions. We cannot expect a dementia patient with anasognosia to do what’s best or what’s right for him. My husband had a stroke on top of Alzheimer’s and he is still telling me he’ll take me to my surgery in three weeks and that he’ll go to the vet with me and our beagle. He will never walk again. He will never use his right arm. I had no choice but to put him in a skilled nursing facility. He fussed the first night but after that he calmed down. He thinks where he is now is home. When I skip a visit, he knows nothing about it. I used to visit every day but now I’m down to 3-4 times a week for no more than 90 minutes. At this point in his AD, my DH is oblivious to any special efforts on my part. He still knows me, is still very clingy, and is happy to see me. That’s good enough for me.

Kenzie56

Thank you for all your kind words and support.  I made it through the first week - as hard as that was - and now am moving through the second week.  There are times I feel perfectly good with my decision and other moments I want so badly to go get him.  I really have to fight those feelings.  I decided this might be a good time to take care of myself and scheduled an appointment to have my long overdue cataract surgery in both eyes.  That is scheduled for 10/27 and 11/2.  I scheduled my annual physical and labs, tests, etc.  I didn't realize how I had put all of these things on the back burner because I was more focused on taking care of DH.  That kind of woke me up when I looked at the calendar. DH still asks when he gets to go home all the time, but he is participating in all of the activities and is being friendly and social at the MCF.  I will continue to put one step in front of the other and remind myself that I am doing this for him, not to him...no, I am actually doing this for both of us. Today I feel stronger - but if I need a boost moving forward, I know where to turn.  Thank you again for helping me through this.

billS

Kenzie I'm glad to hear your husband has calmed down and is accepting care. I echo everything Joe C. and others have said. Every time you feel you should take him home just remember the impossible situation that led you to place him. Before placing my wife 8 months ago I kept reading here, "Placement is harder on the person doing the placement than on the one being placed." I did not understand that at the time, but am now living that reality. But the flip side is, the situation BEFORE placing them was worse and simply unsustainable.

clndaniels

I am placing DH in MC this week and my stomach is already in knots. He is in year 5 of Alz. Sometimes he asks to go home when he is home and other times he states  “You are not putting me in one of those places”. Definitely going to be challenging for both of us.

Kenzie56

clndaniels, I am thinking of you.  Did you make it through placement?

Amnesia

Kenzie, I could've written almost everyone of these posts. I placed my wife in a MCF in March and I still cry often. I'm crying as I type this because a part of me is gone. My brain knows it's the right thing, but my heart doesn't care.  My wife has become aggressive and is currently in a psychiatric hospital for evaluation after assaulting another resident.  This is her 4th trip to the psychiatric hospital in 6 months.  I'm struggling to find a facility that will take her and it's killing me. There doesn't seem to be any place for combative alzheimers patients. My wife was diagnosed in 2017 and I retired 3 years early to stay home and care for her. It got to be physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting. After leaving her at the MCF the first time, 2 weeks later it dawned on me that she was never coming home again.  That was hard. I've come to realize that my wife is gone. So I can go and see her and not be disappointed because she's not really there. Conversation is very strained and basically nonexistent. She's not able to really converse and most of the time she's making up the words. So I comb her hair and lay down with her in the bed and hold her wondering how many more times I'll get to do that. Please don't think I'm terrible for telling you this because it's good that I can talk to someone who truly understands.  Hang in there, let the tears fall because they are therapeutic too.