Spouse keeps asking for his younger wife/girlfriend

Frustrated wife

My 75 year old husband keeps asking me over and over if he can take the car and go see me.  We have been married for 54 years. He knows exactly the location of the house where I grew up and dated him but its in another state over 2500 miles away. I keep telling him I am right here.  That doesn't work! 

Many times he thinks I am his Mother and he is asking for permission I guess.  Today I found him in the car (with house keys only) as the car keys are put away.  I try each day to divert him to another subject but its really hard. Any suggestions??? I am venting as I am really worn out! 

ImMaggieMae

How about diverting him with some music from 54 years ago when you were first dating? If you have a music player/personal assistant like Alexa it can be easy to request songs. If not, maybe some old record albums? I’ve been getting my husband up off the sofa to dance to a lot of the oldies. It’s good exercise and I was surprised how easily he got into it, starting off with a slow song and then speeding it up. We sing along to the ones where he knows the words. When we had guests visiting a week ago, they joined in too, with the guys playing dueling “air guitars” along with Queen.

Dancing and singing are both good diversions.

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ImMaggieMae

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Quilting brings calm

My aunt told me several years ago that her husband no longer recognized her. He referred to her as Lois, but not MY Lois.  She thought it was because his brain remembered the way she looked in her younger years, not the way she now looked in her 80s.   She actually reduced her visits to the MC because her presence just agitated him. 

An idea just came to me while reading your post.  Could you take just a few pictures and put them in a single frame or double side taped to a single paper?  Photos that would show the progression of your facial features from when you met until now.  Maybe that visual clue would help him recognize you as ‘his Lois’. 

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toolbeltexpert

I agree with Victoria that sounds like a good strategy.

Ed1937

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, and I know it's hard. You have some excellent ideas above, and I have nothing to add. But welcome to the forum. It's a good one.

jane8851

Last year before my DH died, every day he begged me to take him home to his "real home and  his real wife Janie." Which was me and the home we still lived in for the last 45 yrs. We were together almost 50 yrs but he didn't know who I was anymore and wanted to go home to me. It was heartbreaking.

jmlarue

After 4 weeks of my DH as a Psych Unit inpatient, I asked his doc if I could visit without causing any distress. Doc OK'd it. I drove 3 hours to get there and spent less than 3 minutes in the room with him. Immediately, I could see that he didn't recognize me. He'd been told that his wife was waiting to see him - unfortunately, I was not the wife he expected. He started angrily pacing the room and exit-seeking. I had to leave quickly. Just another gut-punch in a long line of gut-punches thanks to dementia. And, no, I haven't returned. Painful for him. Painful for me.

Pam BH

As hard as it will be, play along with him. Tell him you'll take him tomorrow, next week. Try telling him that house is being worked on and you have to stay here until it's ready. Come up with somthing that will satisfy him until he asks again and then rinse and repeat. It's his reality. Try to enter his reality and he'll probably appreciate that you understand, no matter who he thinks you are.  Trying to convince him won't work because he "knows" he's right.  Good luck. Just wondering - does it happen more often at night that it could be sundowning?