Ok going to DMV this is going to be hard

notjolly

My brother keeps asking for his car and getting a battery for it. Every day. I keep telling him all the things everyone says I should say, but it isn't working. Today he said he wanted to drive to ...get this Albuquerque, California and that it was just 500 miles away. I just looked at him in disbelief. This is the guy that tells me their isn't anything wrong with him and he can drive better than I can. He said he didn't want to stay here another F..in year. I told him we will take the car into the dealer on Tuesday to have it gone over before his trip. Actually taking it to my sons house. On Monday I am going to DMV and take the doctors note that says it is unsafe for him to drive. I am going to let them know that he has Alzhemer's and I am waiting on a test he is to take in Dec. but I need them to send him a letter telling him he has to go to DMV for testing since he just turned 83 (any excuse to get him there). If DMV won't do this. I will tell them I need a letter from the DMV stating that they sign off on him driving ,for my records. I will not hand over the keys unless they sign something telling me I'm not libel for anything that comes from his driving. He hasn't had any accidents, mostly cause he hardly drove his car but 8 miles on roads he has driven for 40 year. He isn't living there now so everything would be totally different.

 Since I don't have POA and can't get it because he is too far gone. The car insurance is in his name. I will also call the insurance company and tell them his condition and if they still want to insure him its on them. I'm not losing everything I have in a lawsuit because I handed over the keys and he kills someone. I'm so fed up with this car crap. and I want my freedom stuff. I had to leave the house today to just get  away from him and my poor husband had to hear it.

When he said he didn't want to be here another year I told him it probably won't be a year since you have other health problems. And he pointed his finger to his head like a gun and said he would kill himself. I called the VA and asked for some meds to give him and all they did was refer me to a social worker to talk to . UGH.... around and around with website and leave a voice message, press 1 for this press 2 for that. So I'm putting it in DMV and the doctors hands. I hope they will help me. I can't wait til Dec. to have the test. He had a 20 min. test a month ago. He scored 14 out of 30 on it. Not good.

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harshedbuzz

notjolly-

Victoria's thoughtful and detailed post outlines what your expectations should be in this situation. Unfortunately, there is little support-- and none of it available in real time-- around the driving issue for those of us who are trying to act responsibly. It's a rare physician who will have the driving discussion or report a PWD to the DMV. In my state, they're supposed to report PWD who shouldn't drive and yet one of the docs at the large Memory Center where dad was seen was quoted in the NYT as saying he made the call "once or twice a year". 

One option that could work would be having a specially trained OT do an assessment for fitness to drive. If he's confused enough, he'll fail and you may be able to purpose that for why he can't drive. Unfortunately, this assessment isn't covered by insurance and was about $500-600 when I last researched it.

It's difficult to be in a place where you have a moral obligation to do something but lack the legal means to make it happen. 

A lot of your description of your brother feels very familiar to me. My dad, 83 at the time of diagnosis in the mid-stages, had mixed dementia (Alzheimer's and alcohol-related WKS) along with a recurrence of prostate cancer. He had a challenging personality and bristled mightily against any decisions made for his care and safety with condescending misogyny at best. 

The driving issue was really hard for us, too. I called the insurance agent who confirmed that the company would not cover him with a diagnosis of dementia-- so we were able to use that as a reason not to drive in the mid-stages. By the later stages, his anosognosia was such that his reality was that he was fine to drive. My mother endured "I'm a better driver than you are" on a daily basis. He was constantly asking me whether to turn right or left on the road to get to Florida.

Dad was always something of a motorhead-- a man who self-soothed by buying new cars. Driving was proof of his manhood and we all struggled with the loss. Unfortunately, we had a similar situation as you in which other members of the household could and did drive which only served to agitate him further. Even though he sold his car in a fit of pique to avoid me "getting my hands on it"-- which he, of course, promptly forgot-- he could still see mom's cars which were visual triggers for him. I wish I could say this aspect of his personality "on dementia" improved but it didn't. It became easier to control access with him in a MCF but he was still obsessed. I had lunch with him a few hours before he died and he extracted a promise to bring him a car in case he wanted to go somewhere. We talked about which one he wanted and I was able to promise to bring it next time where I would leave it in the employee parking area behind the building. 

There's a lot to unpack around your situation with your brother but the bottom line seems to be whether or not you are willing to take on the responsibility for his care or not. You mention a doctor giving him an estimated 2 year life expectancy. Was this based on the prognosis for Stage 4 Prostate Cancer or dementia? Is he being treated for the cancer?

If you are willing to accept the assignment, you should seek emergency and then regular guardianship. When my aunt did this for her sister, she was reimbursed once she was assigned it. Guardianship would give you the authority to make decisions for him the make sure he's safe and well cared for whether in your home or elsewhere. I would caution, that if you think a MCF is in his future, you might want to act on that sooner rather than later. Prostate cancer often moves into the bones which can result in fractures that could leave him using a wheelchair at best. While most MCFs are set up to allow residents to age-in-place (a nicer way of saying go through the stages or dementia and die there), most require a resident coming in to be ambulatory. A fracture could remove this option leaving only a SNF as a choice. Where I live, SNF are about twice the cost monthly and don't necessarily have dementia-informed care or activities for their residents.

If you aren't willing to see this out as his guardian, I would contact APS or the Area Agency on Aging about next steps. 

Good luck going forward. You are a caring sister.

HB

notjolly

Thank you for your replies. I was told that guardianship took years and courts and lawyers. I won't stop the insurance on the car guess I will move it to our side yard and put a cover over it. At this point going to jail for car theif maybe a relief for me. hahaha. I would love to get out from under this but having him removed from the house ? next question to where? Does he become a ward of the state? I will ask the lawyer these questions.

I will call the elder lawyer again and see what she says about emergency guardianship. 

notjolly

Now he is going around my neighborhood telling all my neighbors we kidnapped him and he needs a ride back to L.A. I'm filling out the DMV form and sending it in. If the cops show up at my door they can take him. They better find a place for him cause he isn't coming back here.

mommyandme (m&m)

Yikes notjolly, I’m so sorry for all these struggles. I hope there’s a solution for you and your bro soon.

jmlarue

If you are absolutely sure you would rather relinquish his ongoing care to someone else, your best bet is to contact Adult Protective Services (part of DSHS) to report him as an "at risk" adult currently living with you, but for which you have no legal authority to provide for his care. Do mention that he is a Veteran and if he is currently receiving any VA benefits like health care or disability pay. Also mention his threat to commit suicide even if you think they are really just empty threats to try to upset you. This agency can conduct an investigation and take action to make him a ward of the state for his ongoing care. 

Personally, I wouldn't invest a dime in consulting an elder law attorney if I did not want the responsibility of his care going forward. It's much better for him and for you that the State of California becomes his guardian.

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harshedbuzz

notjolly-

I am sorry your brother's behavior has escalated. Unfortunately, these kinds of accusations are pretty typical of many PWD who are confused and suspicious that they are the victims of the very people trying to care for them and keep them safe. Dad told people all manner of ghastly things about my mother and me. I stole hundreds of thousands of dollars, and she was having sex with all manner of men on her trips to buy groceries.

I expect your neighbors' take-away is that your brother has lost his mind. If it isn't, they might need to be screened. 

I agree very much with Victoria on having some legal representation in this matter. Not just to protect you in tenant matters, but also to understand what turning your brother over to state custody. He'd be assigned someone to make all the decisions going forward and you would lose any say in his care.

There was a young woman here a few years back with the screen name "Hawaii Girl" who had a mentally ill mom with dementia and her own mental health challenges. (Her posts might be worth looking for) She needed to give up care to save herself and did the due diligence to make that happen but when the day came and the court assigned custody to the state with a professional guardian mom still went home with her daughter because there's a time lag in setting these sorts of things up. In her case I believe it was a couple weeks. The relief was not immediate. 

HB