Driving us crazy

ripscott

My sister and I are the caregivers for our 101yo father with dementia. Nights have been bad for a long time - talking, shouting, yelling, and multiple trips to the bathroom( for nothing) - but somehow now night time is getting worse. Now he is having total meltdowns in the middle of the night that go on for 2 or 3 hours. He screams and shouts, cries, gets angry with anything we say or do. He will not quiet down no matter what we say or do. He's quieter during the daytime and a little bit more cooperative. He can't learn anything or remember anything we try to teach him- like how to safely move around and sit down with his walker. You cannot reason with him or get him to remember anything. He says I have to go to the bathroom so I help him. We get in the bathroom and in 2 seconds he says he doesn't have to go so we leave. No sooner do we get back to his chair than he says I have to go to the bathroom. I say we just walked out of the bathroom and he gets mad at me. He doesn't understand what the bathroom is or how to use it, but so far he does eventually use it when he has to go. Most of time when he talks he doesn't make any sense. During the night it's a lot of gibberish and swearing.

My sister and I don't want him in a nursing home. We  do everything for him- dress him, help him shower, help him in the bathroom, take care of all his meds, doctor appts, get all his meals, etc. He can't hear well, or see well. He sits in chair most all day. No interest in anything - doesn't watch tv even though it is on He can walk a short distance with a walker. Balance is bad and we need to be near and get up with him everytime because he is a fall risk. We have no problem with doing everything for him but when he fights against everything we try to do to help and when he doesn't let us get any sleep - it's getting hard to take. He complains about everything. My patience is wearing out.

Is this behavior typical? Is there anything we should be doing that would help?

M1

Hi ripscott.  This.behavior is very typical and as you've noted, will not respond to any appeal to reason--his reasoner is broken.  You obviously need more hands-on help than you have.  When you say you "don't want him in a nursing home"---can you afford to look at memory care facilities?  Can you afford to bring in a night-time sitter?  Have you talked to his docs about medication for sundowning?  those are the things that might help.  I would look hard at your refusal to consider institutional care of some sort, where is that coming from?

Hoot619

Have him checked for UTI also their are meds that can calm him down. Others will give you more advice. Please listen to them.    There comes a time when us as caregivers reach the end of our rope.   Hoot

MN Chickadee

First, long term care has changed a lot in my life time. My mother received great care from a memory care facility and it was absolutely the best decision we could have made for all of us. She thrived once she was getting the level of care she required and we went from sleepless sometimes resentful caregivers to back to being her family and enjoying her. The place was a far cry from the nursing homes I visited my grandma in 30 years ago. Nice sunny places with home like features and a focus on the individual. It could be there is a place you would find acceptable. 

It's pretty typical behavior unfortunately. Most caregivers in your situation need to find the right meds for the person and more help coming into the home. I would talk to his physician about meds, you might find the right one helps a lot. And there are meds that may help him sleep. It can take some trial and error, there is no one size fits all when it comes to dementia and medications.  Families who can't find the right sleep med often have to move the person to long term care, it's just not sustainable for one or two people. 

ImMaggieMae

Have you talked to his doctor about medications? Risperidone works well for keeping my husband asleep all night. He is also being cared for at home.

SunnyAB

Risperidone helped us too. Same problem. Our geriatric primary care doc referred us to a geriatric psychiatrist who was completely unphased by this and drove home that it's common and treatable. I'm also keeping my loved one at home until the end.

ripscott

I don't understand how dad can be so different at night than he is during the day. At night it's like he is possessed by the devil. He will not listen or talk to us in any sort of rational way. He becomes so angry, says we don't care about him, swears alot. Yells at the top of his lungs. He's often not easy to deal with during the day, but not close to being as bad as he is at night. He'll be quiet for a couple of minutes, then he just starts yelling. This can go on for hours. During the day he is quieter. He still complains alot but you can talk about simple things. He can't remember anything he is told. He can't wait to go to bed every night ( he would go to bed at 7 o'clock if we would let him). Sleep for him or us is little at best.

How do we help him. They said he would benefit from oxygen at night but he woudn't wear the oxygen. He never will try anything we suggest to help himself and will not quiet down, no matter how much we beg him

Does anyone else have a loved one that acts this way?