New retirement

Julie RN 1010

 This is probably not the correct message board to air my feelings but here it goes…

My DH was diagnosed with MCI over a year ago. I have not been happy in our marriage for several years before that. Now looking back his behaviors could have been from this early MCI diagnosis. 

He became difficult to deal with. Everything had be his way. I acquiesced to keep the peace. 

I am retiring in 2 weeks after 43 years of a nursing career. I do not want to continue to be DH caregiver as his condition progresses. I would be a real jerk if I divorced him, but I cannot bear the future I see with him. This is both our 2nd marriages. 

I have 3 soon to be 4 adorable grandchildren which I am focusing on. 

Is there any hope for a happy retirement for me?!!

Rereading this I sound selfish, I am really really sad about my future life. 

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JC5

Oh my life! Gotta get back as DH is asking what I’m doing!

Ed1937

You could easily be roughly mid seventies before this is all over. Only you can make the decision to divorce or not. But if you consider it, do your homework before you go forward. A good lawyer can help.

Quilting brings calm

You sound human.   You are not alone either.  There are others out here dealing with PWD that they either used to love, or never did love.   It’s hard to take care of a PWD when the caregiver has a long term relationship of love as a foundation.  It’s much harder for those of us who don’t have that.  You mention a second marriage but you don’t say how long you were married before  his symptoms started.  

You also don’t mention his family of origin or if he has children of his own( your step-children) or if you share any children.  There are people  here whose step children have more or less let the stepparent  do all the heavy lifting. There are other people who have been here whose stepchildren wanted them out of the house entirely.    

I would follow the advice of others here and go talk to a good lawyer.  Definitely try to get the fiancés separate.  Put your retirement check in an account in your name  only- even if you have to transfer money out of it to a joint account to pay the  bills. Pay your own bills out if that account.  The next time you buy a car, title it in your name only, etc. 

ImMaggieMae

Why not find a good facility for placement for him and just visit once in a while? From what I understand it’s better to place them early so he can become accustomed to his new surroundings.

RobertsBrown

This is not your fault.

It's OK to put yourself first.

You have a right to pursue happiness.

MaryG123

If you can face the judgement of others, you could go ahead and divorce him or not, but live separately in your own home, and be only as involved as you care to be.  I think I would go the divorce route to protect my financial interests.  Divorce is expensive and traumatic, but nothing compared to what primary caregivers face.

Joydean

Julie, you asked if there’s any hope for a happy retirement for you? I believe we all worked hard at our careers while making plans for a happy retirement. I know we did. Alzheimer’s never ever entered our plans. However it marched in completely uninvited and our plans went out the door. My point, each and everyone of us expected to have a happy retirement. So now we make the most of the time we have, we look for moments of happiness. And yes we do find them, they may be rare but that’s what makes them all the sweeter. We can even share in the good times with our forum friends. 

Bottom line, you can think of why you married your husband, what attracted you to him in the first place, and did you love him or maybe just liked him enough to marry him. These are all your decisions and if you just want to walk away, that’s your choice also. Don’t let opinions of others be the cause for your decision. It’s your life your  decision . Take time for yourself and with yourself . You will know what your answer is. I do wish you happiness! 

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toolbeltexpert

Julie I can't add to what the others have said about marriage.   But about "retirement" I asked my sil yesterday when do I get to retire? And yes it does feel selfish to me because I had always envisioned it with my dw.

I thought sitting on the front porch or visiting family was gonna be our retirement. Gone everything is gone, our home now holds so many memories and being alone is even more painful than I could imagine. 

I must go forward, paying for mc isn't cheap, leaving our home maybe made easier by the fact I won't be constantly reminded by it, I really love where we live and how it is setup, but I love where my dw is and the care she gets even if she doesn't know the cost. I can still get her to smile even just now. Life is swinging  in the memory care swing, if family wants to visit its up to them. Change is hard!

My retirement now looks like maybe finding a small 600 or 700sqft home with a little land, closer to where my dw is and not having to wonder how am I gonna pay for this.

My dw still knows me although she thinks we just got married "44 years ago" and nothing is gonna get easier. But I am thankful, I can do this,thankful I can get dressed and eat and think. 

Well that's probably too much sorry I kind of rambled,I hope you keep posting and I will be praying for you and your dh.

Stewart

Julie RN 1010

Thank you for all your thoughtful replies. To answer a few questions- we have been married 15 years with 2 children each. I have 2 girls in early 30's w/ babies, he has 1 girl early 30's with baby and 1 boy 29.  We have always kept our finances separate and also have newly minted separate Wills and Trusts. I own the home we live in before marriage and have kept is separate in my own Trust. I feel like I have the financial concerns secure. I am his DPOA now and will take over his bill paying once I retire and have days to spend going through his records!!! 

DH has no one else to care for him. The writing is on the wall w/ his 2 kids. I expect nothing from either one of them even though daughter lives 2 miles away from us. Son lives out of state. I get a lot of love and support from my 2 daughters and sons in law as well as my family and friends. 

The one comment that hit my heart is if I was told by a friend that they saw DH and he looked badly how would I feel. I know I am in this for the long haul- whatever that may be... I have turned a corner in my acceptance. I think I am past anger (today) and edging toward acceptance. I know that everyone "has something" they have to deal with and I guess this uninvited guest of dementia is mine.  

Thank you for listening dear people.