Denial(5)

BeckyB22

My husband is in denial about dementia and refuses to talk to his Dr. about it. I don't know what to do. He got very confused last week during an outing and argued with me about the need to take the toyr bus back to the parking lot. Somehow he thought we were dropped off at the same place we started even though we travelled 7 miles to a completely different facility. I am having lots of anxiety. My doctor refuses to discuss this with me because he is also my husband's doctor. A similar incident happened a couple of months ago while walking in our neighborhood. He became confused about where we were. I find this all so terrifying. DH is 73. Both his mother and her only brother developed dementia in their early 70's and lived to be 90.

Thanks for listening.

Becky

Iris L.

Welcome Becky.  Your DH has anosognosia, a characteristic of dementia that causes PWDs to truly belive they are fine.  Anosognosia is not the same as denial.    You will have to use work-arounds to get things done.  Learn from the members.  In the meantime limit travel.

Iris L.

sandwichone123

Becky,

Denial is a different thing than what our lo with dementia have. Because of the damage to the brain, it's unable to assess itself accurately. They truly do not know that there is a problem. Even if they're aware of specific symptoms, they don't realize it's a *problem.* It's not refusal, it's part of the illness.

Medical providers are limited in what information they can give out, but they can listen to information from you. I do suggest reading on this board about how to deal with specific challenges, but convincing him that he has dementia is not going to happen, and trying to do so can damage your relationship.

While he's still functioning relatively well and doesn't realize there's a problem, you should both go see an elder law attorney and get POA and durable POA for healthcare documents set up. This will allow you to interact with healthcare professionals and also deal with financial issues.

BeckyB22

Thank you!

Paris20

Hi Becky. My husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in 2015. He has declined significantly. Then, several months ago he had a stroke. His right side is paralyzed. Still, his anosognosia makes him oblivious to all that’s wrong. He is in a skilled nursing facility. When I tell him about appointments I have, he tells me he’ll drive me. I just let it pass because in less than a minute he’ll forget what we said.

I’ve received a lot of good advice here. I learned the word fiblet, a lie that keeps our spouse happy and safe. For example, I’ve read that one way to get a recalcitrant spouse to a doctor is to say that your insurance company requires it to maintain your coverage. Many of us have become quite creative. When my husband continued to insist he could drive, even engaging in a debate with his neurologist, I simply hid the keys and beat him to the driver’s seat every time we went out. I made up a story whenever he asked where his keys were.

I agree that seeing an elder attorney to set up control of finances, etc. is very important. My daughters and I were able to do that. Now, whenever my husband’s signature is required, I whip out my Power of Attorney papers, and all goes well. You’re in for a ride none of us ever wanted to take but armed with knowledge and advice, the road becomes a little smoother.

carlog

Hello @BeckyB22 , I guess I was really lucky that my wife's doctor (who was NOT also my doctor) was willing to talk with me about my concerns and persuaded my wife to do some tests.

I am wondering if you tried asking your husband's doctor to just listen to what you have to tell him about your husband without telling you anything himself? That was my initial plan when I contacted by wife's doctor behind her back, but I was so lucky that he was willing (against the rules) to discuss her openly with me.

Denise1847

Hi Becky,

Can you get medical power of attorney and give a copy to the doctor? I haven't had this problem because I have always accompanied my DH to the doctors in the doctors office and answering most of the questions because my husband couldn't. Also, consider writing a list of the behaviors down and giving it to the doctor so he has a sense of what is happening. Finally, you may wish to change doctors for either you or him.

Quilting brings calm

If you accompany him to the doctors, ask for a HIPPA form to be included in the things they hand out at checkin. Helpfully fill it out for your spouse with your contact info and then say ‘ hey you need to sign this too’. That gives your doctor the right to discuss your spouse’s condition with you.

Ed1937

You have excellent advice above, especially about the CELA (certified elder law attorney). Then you should have no trouble. The rest is also spot on.

If you accompany him to the doctor's office, you can always write a note to the doctor for him to read before seeing your DH. Put all concerns in it, and hand it to the person at the desk, asking for the doctor to read it before seeing him. These notes work much better than expected. Several of us here have used them, and they are always welcomed by the doctor.

Iris L.

Becky posted in October 2022.