forcing (quote, unquote) someone to complete assessment

Kitty14

hello all, i am new here and greatly appreciate any advice/input.

My aunt clearly has dementia.  I first noticed it about 2 or more years ago and two days ago, she stormed out of the house in a huff and drove off into hurricane Ian.  Oblivious to the fact that there was a hurricane outside.  Fortunately, she lives far enough north of tampa that the hurricane didn't immediate threaten her, but we didn't know where she was going, she had no cell phone and she was gone for over 10 hours.  I "know" that she has dementia because my father went through this 10 to 12 years ago and I'm seeing the same patterns, circular conversations, confabulating, total disorganization and loss of executive function etc.

I do not live in Florida - i live over 800 miles away and have come to Tampa to help my uncle begin to address this.  Two problems - My uncle is sticking his head in the sand, so to speak.  he is overwhelmed and, possibly, in denial.  Doesn't want to talk about things.  Second problem, it turns out my aunt had gone to a memory care clinic a while ago but refused to complete it.  Got angry and left.  I think my uncle finally agrees that the assessment needs to be finished.  How do I support them? how can i convince my aunt she has to finish the assessment so we know how to move forward?  do i play the heavy? as if dealing with a toddler having a tantrum? or do i let my aunt and uncle live in la-la land until something really bad happens?  help!

zauberflote

Hi Kitty, and welcome to this place. We're glad you're here but sorry that you have to be. 

It must be horrible, seeing your aunt go down the same path that your dad did, and having to relive all the turmoil. I'm so sorry!

I don't write nearly as clearly nor succinctly as others on here, but I'll try to get the ball rolling. 

Legal: do you know what's the status of your aunt and uncle's durable powers of attorney, heath proxies (or whatever they may be in FL), wills/trusts etc? Hopefully they have made each other their POA, and named a successor in case #1 can't fill the role. Likewise for health. Are you the only family they have? If they have kids, what's that relationship like? With them, with you. There is not much "forcing" you can do with no legal standing (such as being successor POA and having had uncle ask you or agree for you to help); you can maybe suggest and offer your services and gently try to help uncle to face it, if he is able. Are they of an age to have decided how and where they want to live out their next years/decades?

Uncle's head-in-the-sand appearance: his wife's condition may have changed gradually enough that he really doesn't see what's actually happening. He may see it and remember your dad and be so terrified he ignores it. Or, as is sometimes the case, he may be dealing with similar declines in himself. 

Aunt herself: it seems she no longer can see her deficits. Perhaps she has the anosognosia that comes with the disease. (Anosognosia is being completely unable to recognize that there is something wrong with oneself.) So you can't really tell her she has a brain problem. You may somehow be able to get her to her PCP for them to run some bloodwork to rule out a few treatable conditions which can mimic symptoms of dementia. If she has some chronic condition or other that keeps her on the dr's radar, bloodwork would be something normal to her. 

Going forward: some people have indeed had to back off and wait for some unthinkable disaster before their LO can get  proper care. If you are in a legally powerless position, the best you can do is probably enlist others of her family, if there are others. You probably don't want to have yourself seen as the Mounties or the Marines, sweeping in to rescue everyone, though. That could backfire badly, and in a worst-case scenario it could leave you holding the entire bag. You are already on here, which is a perfect first step. Let other family know about this place too!

LicketyGlitz

I second all of Zauber's advice! And double endorse checking with her primary care doctor. They will most likely not share info with you and your uncle, but telling them your concerns they may be able to slyly do their own testing and recommend treatment to your aunt. Sometimes coming from a medical professional makes a difference to people.