I could use a little feedback

Ed1937

After my wife passed, I investigated the possibility of volunteering my time so other caregivers could get a little time for themselves to get a cup of coffee with friends, do some shopping, or whatever. But after talking to others, including a relative who is a lawyer, I decided against that. I was not interested in volunteering for a cover company.

This morning my daughter called me, telling me she has a neighbor whose wife has dementia, and he is trapped at home, unable to get out. She has known these people for about 15 years, and assures me that they are good people with morals. She told him that I might be willing to give him a break, and he was thrilled to hear that. So I'll be watching over his wife while he gets some time off.

I have never done this, so I'm open to any suggestions on preparing. I'm not sure exactly how far she has progressed, but it sounds like somewhere in middle stage. Yes, I know I'm opening myself up for possible legal problems, but I trust my daughter's judgement, and I'll take that chance.

Hoot619

Ed, Why don't you just visit with them the first time you meet them. Get to know them a little. If it feels good tell him to take off for a few hours.  If it goes well, next time he can take off longer.  Hoot

KathyF1

Bless you Ed. I think that’s wonderful.

loveskitties

You might want to get a better grasp on what help the wife needs...if toileting is involved that may be an issue you want to pass on...to avoid any unfounded accusations.

Meeting with them ahead of the first actual sitting session is a good idea, that way you can assess for yourself if it is a good fit.

Bless you for having a big heart and wanting to help others on this terrible journey.

Just Bill

Just like your experience with your wife how much can you really prepare for. Being dynamic and in the moment is the only thing that works. She will be fine until she isn't and you talk her off the ledge like you did for your wife a few million times. Your brain has been rewired for dementia patience. Good luck Ed it is a great way to share your experience.

Joydean

Ed my advice is the same as Hoots. Consider how you would feel if a stranger (to you) came to your house to maybe stay with your wife. Take your time and get to know this couple. Your gut will lead you. Ask all the same questions you would have asked. Best of luck.

Dio

Ditto all that's been said. You are such a selfless person, Ed, more than a warrior, hero. Wishing that all will work out and that you will find the satisfaction in more "giving."

Iris L.

Red flag warning: This does not sound safe enough, being a male alone with a compromised woman.  Even doctors are not supposed to be alone with a woman in a sensitive situation without a chaperone.  We know that PWDs can confabulate and have delusions.  Ed, could you run errands for him instead?

Iris

Joe C.

Ed, I know many people who “help out” elders in need just because it is the right thing to do. I have done things for non relatives such as give people rides, stop in to check on them or pick up some groceries when needed. Unfortunately in the society we live in we do open our selves up to the possibility of legal repercussions but to me it just comes down to what is the right thing to do.

Ed1937

Thank you very much for the feedback. My daughter and I will both meet with them before I'm alone with her. I think it's the right thing to do, and I think I'll print out this thread to show him. There are times when you might have to put yourself in jeopardy to help someone who needs help. People do it all the time.

Iris, thanks for your concern. That's a great point. While I'm sure running errands would help, it's not like having time to do what you want to do. I will be 85 before long, so maybe that will give me a few points when it comes time for me to meet St. Pete.

Like I said, I've never done this before, and maybe after trying it I won't want to do it again. We'll see.

CStrope

Ed do you want to move to SW Wisconsin!  I'd gladly welcome you into my home to help out!!!!!

Davegrant

 I am responding because you have been one of members that I have followed most closely because you seem to have an openness about your situation (s) and your problem solving skills with this disease. I liked what you had to say as I have similar situations with my DW.   

I think that I would go on the side of caution. My relationship with my DW is so complex that I am often confused. I would have a plan to end the relationship or limit my time if I needed to go in another direction later on. One advantage of the cover company is that they would likely have liability insurance to cover risks that may develop as well as guidance for behaviors. 

Just my thoughts. 

Dave

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eaglemom

As I've read through the posts I've both agreed and disagreed with them. Yes you are opening yourself up but also you've been given a chance to bless someone with your time. For me personally, and this is me personally only here - if your heart is ready to help someone in need a couple hours here or there I think its great. Personally I'd also do it if I were in your shoes.

It's great your meeting them with your daughter. You'll know if this will work for you or not. You've got such a special tender heart Ed.

eagle

mommyandme (m&m)

Ed, 

What about looking into being a respite volunteer for hospice? Maybe you could tell them you’d like to focus on dementia patients.  I imagine you’d be covered under their umbrella of coverage for different issues. My sister was with hospice for terminal cancer and after I grieved for quite a few years I decided to become a volunteer with our local hospice.  Unfortunately I wasn’t able to help much as my LOs needs increased just as I was getting in the swing of it.  

I think it’s wonderful you’d like to help so courageously.  I hope helping the neighbors works for all of you.  

Ed1937

Once again, thank you for the varying replies. M&m, that's a good idea, but I think hospice takes a special kind of person, and I'm not cut out for that. But thanks for the suggestion.

CStrope, Griffith, IN is a nice little town that has a lot going for it. Let me know what kind of house you need, and I'll start looking for you. All the houses come with free help.

JJAz

Bless your heart.  We have the Foothills Caring Corps (non-profit) in our town that matches volunteers with people who need in-home visitation.  It's a wonderful service and we had a volunteer come to our home once a week when my DH was mid stage.  Before they sent anyone, the director of the program came to the house and evaluated the needs of the family.  Our volunteer came for two hours each week and they would take walks, watch TV, chat and play simple games.  This continued until my husband's needs became too great for a volunteer.  Again, bless you for your thoughtfulness.

Pat6177

Hi Ed, I have to agree with Iris. Male caregiver/female compromised patient. Maybe there are ways to mitigate the risk like having cameras all around? And don’t minimize the value of being there to talk with the husband, listen to him and be able to make suggestions based on your experience. Or perhaps the three of you go out for coffee or lunch. The husband has an extra set of hands to cope with the PWD and has the benefit of stimulating conversation and/or support for dealing with dementia. There are a lot of variables and you won’t know till you meet with the couple. Please, stay open minded about what form your help will take.

Stuck in the middle

You are a brave man, Ed.

I used to stay with a man with dementia while his wife went out, but we were old friends.  I would have not made that offer if we were strangers, or if it were her who was compromised.  

It isn't like when we were young, and old men were presumed to be gentlemen.  Old men are accused of molesting children and other offences all the time.  What are you going to do if the lady decides to take off her clothes while her husband is out?

ImMaggieMae

How do the risks of volunteering differ from hiring someone a person finds on care.com? Is there some type of liability insurance through care.com? Or do people who find people on care have their own insurance?

If nothing else, it might be nice just to have someone who understands to come and visit for a few hours, not necessarily respite, but just a newfound friend at a time when so many old friends have disappeared because they “don’t know what to say”.

toolbeltexpert

I just want to add my 2 cents about volunteering. Ed your right on track, get to know this couple, you have skills. I would ask if they have cameras, as an added protection trust your instincts, you know all the firedrills keep your cell handy, saferoom,ect.

Now I volunteer my time where I can.  I haven't gotten back on the schedule at the mc where my dw is, but I have sung with the residents already, one night supper was late so i serenaded them till supper, you might wonder how does that help a caregiver?

If you've gone to visit and see your lo and they are getting socialization and maybe you join in, your still their caregiver and it does feel good to see your lo enjoying their time.

So if a person volunteers to help the residents play bingo, or just visit and get to know their name, it's all good.

Stewart

mommyandme (m&m)

I was also thinking about the camera idea.  If her husband doesn’t have them they may be very helpful to him. Extra protection for and from caregivers too.  I even thought of you carrying your own into the home for your protection.  I kind of quit that idea as the caregiver may not see it kindly if you’re videoing his wife.  If he’d get a couple inexpensive ones then it could be a win/win.

Ed1937

Again, thanks everyone. I appreciate the different replies, and concerns for what I want to do.

Stuck in the middle wrote:

What are you going to do if the lady decides to take off her clothes while her husband is out?

I'm glad you brought that up. I hadn't even thought about that. But I know that is something my wife might have done at any time, and she did in our house, although it was not often, and never problematic. But there were times when she would see absolutely nothing wrong with taking her clothes off in the middle of Times Square.

Her husband will definitely see this thread. I'll let him decide if he wants to go forward with the idea.

 

jfkoc

I would certaily ease into that kind of situation. I would start with visiting while family was still in the house.  You can do a walk, do some coloring/painting, read, puzzle. In other words just be "entertaining"

When our caregiver started she was company for me as well as Dick. It was wonderful just to have some conversation and you wilol be great support for all of them.

Jo C.

Ed; you are a caring man of good spirit and it is lovely of you to extend your assistance.   One thing I would suggest; if the woman needs assistance for the bathroom, or needs undergarments or pull-ups to be changed if she has accidents, I would, as a male, pass on this for obvious reasons.  That sounds awful, but this is a strange society we live in these days.  Perhaps the first visit as a companion could be with family still at home so you can see how she reacts to you . . .  

If there are cameras in the house, all the better.  NOTE:  This brings to mind another Member here who had an issue with a neighbor.  He had an older male grandchild who had visited him.  Later, he was going out for a few hours errands to get some things attended to, so he had a female neighbor come to stay with his wife who had done so before; she was paid to do so and had done it successfully.

This Member had several hundreds of dollars tucked away in a bedroom drawer.  Next time he looked, the money had disappeared; how was he to know who had taken it . . . could even have been his wife with dementia who found it and hid it; he had to think about it and made the decision that it was not his grandson, not his wife, but he felt it must be the neighbor.  No actual proof, but those are his strong feelings.  Bottom line is that while he did not confront the neighbor at all, he has decided it was indeed the neighbor and he will not have her back to be with his wife and he has cut off all contact with her and has strong negative feelings which is understandable. 

One never knows what is what or what one can be blamed for.  I would be absolutely up front with the person's relatives and discuss matters as much as possible beforehand to feel assured this would be a positive endeavor.  You will be meeting with the pwd along with family and your daughter prior to accepting such an assignment and can be introduced as a friend.

By the way, as an aside, do you have good insurance coverage . . . if something goes awry, homeowners insurance would not cover you; that is something to think about in a way of covering any unlikely but possible potential issues since you will be inside someone else's house.  There are extended "Umbrella Policies" that cover a million or two that one can purchase; this covers all sorts of happenings outside the regular insurances whether those policies will cover or not.  Just an idea to perhaps look into; not just for this set of circumstances, but for other things should one ever be sued for whatever reason. 

Harsh thinking, but people can be accused of different sorts of abuse, of theft, etc. In all probability this would not be an issue in this volunteer situation since your daughter has known these people for fifteen years.   You are a good man of good principles; as you move forward with this, I wish you well and hope it turns out to be a positive for you.

J.

J.

Joydean

I just have one question, someone stated a male doctor has to have someone else in the room. My question is now that there are a lot of male nurses why don’t they have to have someone else in the room when taking care of a female patient? 

Ed thank you for your loving and caring heart. You are only wanting to be helpful to others. God bless you and your daughter! 

Iris L.

Joydean, when I went to medical school in the 1970s, we were advised to have a chaperone when performing a sensitive exam on an opposite sex person.  This basically meant doing an examination of the genitalia of both genders or female breast exam.  There were few male nurses in those days, they were mostly in orthopedics.  I don't know what the rules might be nowadays, but whatever it would take to protect oneself.  I was in pediatrics so this was less of a concern, because the parent was usually present, thus the parent was the chaperone.

Iris

Iris L.

Ed, how did this work out?

Iris

M5M

There is another middle ground…visit while the husband is home. Let him do whatever he wants, he can watch TV, wash clothes, sit on the back porch, while you shepherd the spouse. Not a perfect solution but at least a beginning to offer him some respite.

Ed1937

Iris, this still hasn't happened yet. All three parties, my daughter, her friends and I have all had things come up, and I haven't even met them yet. Still expecting to do it at some point.

Iris L.

I understand, Ed.  The upcoming months will be busy, and likely present many opportunities for your service.

Iris