How to deal with adult/conversation needs - coping

jer210520

My wonderful wife of 22 years was diagnosed 3 years ago. She is the sweetest person in the world and his disease is so unfair as you all know

Sex is almost gone, and that is extremely important but just as important is human conversation, humor and understanding. 

Online is tempting but there’s so much garbage that it’s a no go for me.

So where does everyone go for adult conversation and humor? A long time ago there used to be penpals, but now that is easier on line . But I’m concerned 

So what do you folks do to cope?

Rick4407

 Hello Jer.  This has been a major issue for me as well.  Just someone to discuss the news with if nothing else.  I have sort of developed over the last 3-4 years some regular email correspondence with one long term friend.  We have a long history, but his wife is immunocompromised and very careful.  So despite the fact that he lives 8-9 miles away I only actually see him 1 or 2 time a year for the last 2+ years.  Another friend, also I’ve known for 20+ years I’ve slowly developed a closer friendship with.  He is less financially secure that I am so I hire him to help out doing things I cannot get away from my wife to do, lawn cutting, etc.  I see him weekly and sometimes more often for 20 minutes of conversation.  There is also one couple who we were friends with, they invite us to dinner with them every 2-3 weeks. Sadly, the husband is showing early signs of cognitive decline.

No family other than one son who I support.  My DW’s children are opposites.  One lives in Europe and is caring and supportive with regular phone calls.  The other is geographically close but completely disinterested.

Sex is a train that left the station 3+ years ago.  My DW developed vaginal atrophy about 3 years ago.  Any intimacy left her with a UTI. 

Major life decisions, downsizing, property sales, new cars, etc, now I just do what I think is best.  No more discussions and agreements about major decisions.  

My interests and experiences are really international or global events, so I follow the news fairly closely.  In today’s world that is fairly consuming.  I also read this forum several times a day and occasionally post a response.   

It is a much lonelier existence that I imagined or expect years ago.  Rick

Joydean

Jer missing a real conversation and humor is one of many things I truly miss. We live in a rural area, which is what we wanted, and have no close neighbors. So it’s lonely now. I have found myself talking to my plants in the garden and my flowers. We have a mid size dog and I know she thinks I’m nuts !  I talk to people at the store’s! I love to read when I get a chance to do that. But we will survive. My dh has a very hard time trying to get his words so he doesn’t talk much. But I keep talking to him and once in a while he will get a word out and we will laugh about something silly our dog will do.  I come here to this forum to see how others are doing. Best of luck to you.

DJnAZ

My wife of 23 years was officially diagnosed in 2021 but I knew something was wrong in 2019. It was obvious she wasn't herself. She was different. She was no longer interested in things she/we used to enjoy. Conversation, intimacy and the fun we had just being together was missing. Although she never admitted it, she knew something was wrong and that she was following her mother and grandmother. Both died of dementia and Alzheimer's complications. After almost three years at home, she was placed in memory care in May.

I lost my best friend and constant companion. I was lonely and frustrated and angry and bored and depressed. I really didn't have anyone to talk to. When I told friends about her diagnosis they showed concern, but it seemed they really didn't know what to do or say and sort of drifted away. Getting together with them was much less frequent.

Getting to the point of your question, I have accepted being alone. I have both online "pen pals" through email and text as well as several people I talk to by phone. I went totally out of character and joined an Alzheimer's Association sponsored in-person caregivers support group. I tried the virtual Zoom groups but didn't like the impersonal feeling. I do not have a psychiatrist or therapist, but am considering finding someone to help me understand my new normal. This forum has been very helpful as well.

I have great friends in Idaho that I visited recently and they have invited me to come and share Christmas with them. My daughter lives in Colorado and I'm planning to see her and my grandson soon. Recently a very nice couple moved into a home across the street and we get together often. I have another couple I go to lunch with from time to time. One of my wife's former co-workers lives in Phoenix and I will have lunch with her next week.

My advice is simple...you have to make the effort to talk, laugh or just be with other people. I never expected to be alone at this point in my life. But like it or not, I am. I try to stay busy and occupied. It takes time and work, but life is slowly getting better. And I miss my best friend every day.

jfkoc

You are talking about a very real, common  and difficult problem.

What helped me was I picked up things that kept me focused/busy. I started doing geneology and refreshed my french. I then started living through my friends and family...calling them with the diisclaimer "I am living vicariously" what going on?

None were a substitute but they did help.

Crushed

As an academic I always had a world wide community of colleagues. I have had very conversational dinner partners, and a few University friends.  I have very supportive siblings and children and a very good therapist   And there is this group and my zoom AD support group.  So I manage.  I go to Germany next week to give an invited lecture. 

DW has been in memory care for 5 years.  4 years since she had any idea who I was

That makes for a lonely life 

Stuck in the middle

I have bizarre conversations with my demented wife and my schizophrenic son, superficial conversations with neighbors, and rare conversations with my one surviving sibling.  I read magazines and talk to myself.  I occasionally lunch with former coworkers.  I would probably lose my mind if I weren't used to living like this.

I guess that's not much help.  I agree about avoiding social media.  This is the only one I frequent any more.

MaryG123

I found a group of card players in my neighborhood, and we get together for a pot luck and a couple hours of cards, once a week.  Along with this forum, they are lifesavers.  I haven’t had to ask them for help, but they know the situation and are great moral support.

bobbyb

I'm 10 years younger than my DH of 22 years, who is several years into ES teetering into MS. I continue to work part time in a non-profit to preserve opportunities for conversation and laughs and camaraderie. Family lives far away, so they are my surrogate family. My DH is mostly silent and can no longer sustain a real conversation of any length. Work is saving my sanity. I may never retire.