Mother thinks grown son is a missing child

MizRamon

My mother has been having Alzheimer's symptoms for a long time now. She of course doesn't think anything is wrong with her and that it's my dad who has Alzheimer's. She thinks he's her father. He's having health problems too and the majority of caring for both of them is all on me. My mom isn't comfortable with anyone other than me or my brother, and now I guess not him either.

This last week or so, she's been having more episodes where she thinks I'm gone. These are usually brief. Now today, the whole day, she's thought my older brother (born in 1976) is six years old and is missing. Nothing shakes her from it, I can't distract her, and she thinks he's her ex-husband when he calls to try to help the situation. I can't find any information on how to handle this type of situation. My dad doesn't trust medical doctors or medication and neither does mom in her right mind. I am at my wit's end. He continually makes things even worse when he tries to talk to her and she's going to go all over the neighborhood asking people if they've seen her six year old son. God, help me. Has anyone had a problem like this? Is there any way to solve it other than forcing her to the doctor?

SunnyAB

Have you tried anything like "He's at Uncle Dave's house" and then having her talk to Uncle Dave (or a facsimile from that time period) by phone who says the kid is having too much fun to come to the phone and he'll bring him home tomorrow. ??? (for example) If you come upon a lie that calms her down, even temporarily, you may be able to repeat it daily or hourly until this passes.

MizRamon

Mom wonders if it could be something like that, but Dad refuses to play along with anything of a lie even if that's the only way to calm her down. He keeps insisting on saying the truth, which only upsets her, and it puts me in a real bind. It doesn't matter what I say to him about what's necessary; he won't help this along.

SusanB-dil

Hi MizRamon - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

Your mom has anosognosia. It is not denial, but rather, the firm belief that nothing is wrong. 

Although you know you need to go with the fiblets, you really need your dad to be on the same page. It sounds like dad is in denial. It is hard to have a LO in such a state. Is there anyone he would listen to that could speak to him about the seriousness of this situation? 

Is mom on any meds to help calm her down?  You may need to tell her that it is time for a doc appointment for insurance purposes. but again, dad needs to wake up. Sorry you are dealing with that. Is he showing signs of any decline as well?

Can you get some help by telling them that they are 'helping the help'...  The person is there because they need the hours, or to gain some experience for certification perhaps.

You can also check the 'solutions' tab above, and you may want to call the alz phone for some guidance.  

MIL has anosognosia. And that has its own set of issues, for sure. My mom does not, but thinks I am her sister. Sometimes mom knows my brother, and other times my brother is her brother, who died when he was 12 yrs old. Interesting that she realizes 'something isn't quite right', though.

adding: Your dad is trying to reason and be logical with someone who's reasoning and logic is broken. You can see that obviously doesn't work. It will only get her more upset and just frustrate everyone. Really need to see if there is someone who could maybe get dad to please 'wake up'. (pastor, doctor, a relative he would really listen to)

MizRamon

Hi. Thank you for your information! I'm sorry you have to deal with these things too. My mom isn't on meds and we never have medical people come to the house. That would stress her even more.

I sure wish someone could get Dad to understand. He just can't grasp logic won't work, no matter how much trouble his approach causes. He doesn't show signs of dementia, but he's having his own problems with vision and neuropathy.

harshedbuzz

MizRamone-

I am so sorry you are having to be here. This is indeed a worrying situation. 

How embedded are you in caregiving? Are they dependent on your assistance? Do you live with your parents? A daily visitor? Weekly check-ins?

Some random thoughts-

1. Your mom needs to see a doctor. Ideally, she should have a complete evaluation, but at the very minimum she needs to have bloodwork and basic imaging to make sure there isn't something treatable going on. 

My own dad had mixed dementia-- one of his was caused by a lack of Thiamine and was partially reversible with proper treatment. Had my mom listened when I first started nagging her about this, he would have progressed at a much slower rate than he did. A friend thought her mom had dementia but found out her mom had a brain tumor which changed their approach and timeline around care. 

2. Your mom likely has anosognosia and cannot appreciate that she's had a change in cognition and abilities. This is not the same as denial. 

3. My mom was in denial about my dad's decline. I think part of it was being "too close" to the situation and being a bit like the frog in the warm pot of water set to boil. But I think, too, that she didn't want to see what was happening and the implications it had for her life and independence. 

The above led to mom being "honest" with dad which further agitated and already difficult PWD. Two things helped with this-

This piece-  understanding-the-dementia-experience.pdf (alzconnected.org)

And a CTJ about me pulling my support if she continued to make disastrous decisions about managing the situation. I was in the midst of dealing with the logistics of selling their homes, shipping contents and cars and lining them up with an apartment near me as well as replacing their medical team so I had little bandwidth to go pour oil on waters she'd riled up for no good reason after a long day of ding work they should have done years before. 

Stepping back and waiting for all the shoes to fall can be an effective strategy in some instances.

4. Medication to dial back mom's anxiety would relieve her of the worst of this and could potentially make validation and redirection strategies more effective for her. It's very sad that she is left to process these strong emotions without the cognition needed to do so.

Good luck. 

HB

MizRamon

Thank you so much for your information and thoughts! I live here and have to try to help both of them all the time. I've been trying to get Dad to agree we need to get Mom to the doctor. I worried about the brain tumor possibilities, but she doesn't seem to have the symptoms of that. I really do wish she could be examined. I'm just so overwhelmed. She's writing letters to people about her "missing son" and one is supposed to go to a nonexistent person she thinks lives on the block. She doesn't know the address and insists we have to go find the house and leave it in the mailbox. I'm so afraid they'll believe her letter and call the police and it will be a big, horrible mess. I feel so trapped.

MaryG123

You may have to use fiblets to get both of them to the doc together, just their primary care doc to start with.  Then you can give the doc a note explaining your concerns, with examples as you’ve described here.  There are medications that will relieve some of her anxiety.  I’m sorry for your suffering.