I'll be a good boy.

White Crane

Those words tore another hole in my heart.  We were lying in bed and he had just told me he loved me.  Then he said he didn't want to be put into a home.  He wanted to be in this home.  Then he said, "I'll be a good boy.  I'll be a good guy.  Are you going to put me in a home? I don't mean to make it difficult for you."  Lying there in the dark holding his hand, my eyes were full of tears.  If he only knew that I had already decided on a place for him to go when and if the time comes and I can no longer take care of him.  I reassured him that I loved him and had no plans to put him in a home and that he was, indeed, a good guy.

Last night at dinner, he pointed to his head and told me again that he couldn't remember things and he knew he couldn't do a lot of things anymore.  Then he looked sad and asked if he could still be my husband.  That tore another hole in my heart.  I'm about to cry as I write this.  He is gradually getting worse and sometimes his behavior drives me nuts.  A few days ago, it got to me so much that I had to leave the house.  I went outside in the yard and found a dead limb on the ground.  I began hitting that limb against one of our trees as hard as I could until it broke in half...all the while mumbling obscenities under my breath.  Then I called my daughter and she helped me calm down and be able to go back into the house.  By that time, DH had forgotten all about me getting upset and was happy as a clam.  This disease is so cruel.  It is taking my husband from me a piece at a time and it is so painful to watch.

He is a very good boy.

Brenda

dayn2nite2

When he gets into one of these loops, try to bring up another topic to distract.  Because you cannot promise you won't place him - you don't know what the future holds.

What I'm thinking is you're carrying this frustration energy around and he's picking up on it.  You have to work to keep yourself in a calm state of mind no matter what he's doing and he won't bring that topic up or will only briefly mention it.

Allowing him to pursue the "I'll be good" conversation only serves to further upset him and you.  Break into it by asking him a question about something he likes, a person he likes, see what happens.

Ed1937

Brenda, something very similar happened to me. My wife was in the hospital, and we were waiting for a bed to come open in MC. She kept begging me to take her home, but I told her I couldn't do that. She said "I promise I'll be good, and I won't do anything bad anymore". That just ripped me apart, and I have tears in my eyes now thinking about it. I'm sorry you had to hear that. This disease sucks in so many ways.

Joydean

Brenda I know that tore your heart. Those moments are the hardest to go through. A few years ago my dh became very suicidal so much I had to call 911, it was right in Covid and they would not let me go to hospital, they transferred him to a mental hospital and kept him for a week until I finally got him out. He kept telling me he was sorry and didn’t know what he did but he would never do it again if I wouldn’t put him in jail again. He just kept touching me and asking are you real, I’ll be good! I hate this disease and know everyone here does too. 

Prayers for you and your dh. 

Jeff86

Brenda,

Heart-breaking, just heart-breaking.   My DW’s version of the same:  “You’re not going to throw me away, are you?”

I am sorry this is so hard….

Hoot619

To everyone on the post, I can feel your pain this disease hurts so much on both of you. The Loved One and yourselves. I didn't have to go thru that part and I am so thankful it would have really tore me up.

Beachfan

These posts break my heart and yet I find them strangely comforting.  My DH, in a MCF for close to 11 months now, is so compromised (and has been for a number of years) that he never asked about placement, never promised "to be good", never worried about my "abandoning" him; he just faded away day by day until he no longer knew me or knew or cared where he was or who was with him.  I can't imagine the heartache a caregiver feels when faced with a LO's misery, especially when the caregiver is trying so hard to function and plan rationally and the conflicting emotions are so rampant.  (I still cringe when I think about my Kindergarten son's school phobia some 40 plus years ago.)

Brenda, I hope you can stay the course and do what you need to do for your DH and for you.  I don't envy you and the situation in which you find yourself.  And I don't know which is worse (or better); my DH, not knowing or clinging to me, or your DH, obviously maintaining a connection and fearing your loss.  It all stinks.  

JJAz

Yes, it's heartbreaking.  When this happened at our house, I reminded my DH of the truth.  "We are so lucky to have each other.  We've been in love for 45 years and promised to be here for each other in better or worse.  And you're here for me and I'm here for you. . . "  It always made us both feel better.

GothicGremlin

I was so afraid to click on the link for this post because I knew exactly what it was going to be about.

Before I placed my sister, she said almost those exact words to me, pretty much pleading with me. It was all variants of  "I'll be good", "I'm trying", "Did I do something wrong?"  Just kill me, and be done with it.  I felt terrible, really, I don't think it would have been possible to make me feel any worse than I felt when she said those things to me.

Brenda, I'm so sorry. My situation is different than yours, but I know a measure of where you are.

The one piece of hopeful news I can share is that once Peggy had been in memory care for about six months, and in a moment of clarity, she told me that she liked it there and that she probably should have moved there sooner.

caberr

I went through the same thing.  DH said he didn't ever want to go to MC.  In June I had to call 911 and everything went downhill from there.  He was in the hospital for over 4 weeks.  He asked me once "what did I do?" Broke my heart.  I ended up transferring him to an enhanced care facility.  I guess it is one step under a nursing home.   When he's asked to leave or go home, I would tell him he was there to get better and when he can walk, he can come home.  He seemed to be ok with that.  Now whenever he says "I'm getting out of here" I say Ok get up and we'll go.  He is unable to sit up straight, stand or walk.  I knew he didn't want to be placed anywhere but I felt it was the right thing to do.  

toolbeltexpert

Brenda I can feel your heartbreak,it is so real. My dw has started asking me if she could come home. Yep just wanted to cry. I hate this disease so bad, I have to wait till I leave to grieve. 

Stewart

Dio

We are all crying with you...chances are most of us have gone through similar rounds with our LOs. It just rips you apart from the inside out.

Oddly, DH and I just talked about placement today. I presented it as setting up his care if something were to incapacitate me so that I'd know he'll be well cared for, especially since we don't have children. I also asked if he had any unfinished business or bucket list item, or whether he felt he had lived a fulfilled life. Our conversation was somber but fruitful. I got the answers. However, with this disease, I highly doubt that he'll remember any of it.

June45

Heart breaking. I cried when I read this.

RebaSue

It breaks my heart to read these posts. Im new tothis and not quite to this stage but praying I 

can meet the demands and  fears with the tremendous courage that you all exhibit.

Looking for guidance for compassionate care for my beloved spouse. 

White Crane

Dear Forum Friends, thank you for all your support and for sharing your own experiences.  It hurts but we are all here for each other and that gives me strength.  You are very special.  Thank you again.

Brenda

Amnesia

Brenda,

My story is similar. My dw would say "I don't want to be a burden to you" and that broke my heart. She could never be a burden to me. I kept her at home for as long as I could, basically until she didn't really know who I was and what our relationship is. She now knows me as her sweetie, when she knows me. Unfortunately, she has reached a point to where she doesn't really understand the questions she's asking or the answers you give. But I have figured out that she will remember how my answer makes her feel. She understands the feeling and remembers it for a while. The first thing you have to get past is "lying" to your husband. It's the kindest thing you can do for him. He's confused and scared enough already, so why add to that by not telling him what he needs to hear in the moment. You're not deceiving him when you do this you are comforting him. He won't remember what you tell him, but he will remember how it made him feel. We owe them that much. My wife asks me how my mother is doing, she died when I was 2 in a car wreck. She asks me how my kids are, neither one of us have children, and we've been married 34 years. She's just making conversation and really doesn't understand what she's asking. You have to go into their reality because they are not able to understand yours. I tell my wife my mother is doing fine and the kids are grown and won't listen to me but they are ok. My visits have lots of hugs and kisses and I love yous a,d usually end up with me brushing her hair and sometimes we just lay on the bed, fully clothed, holding each other and she usually falls asleep. While I lay there and wonder how many more times I'll get to do that. They need that physical contact to feel loved and wanted. These are just some of the experiences I've had and things I have learned over the last 5 years of this journey. 

She has become combative and violent at times and I've having trouble finding a home that will take her. This is her 4th trip to the psych hospital in 6 months. I know God has a plan and will open the right doors for us. It's just hard not knowing what is going to come next. I guess that's why they call it faith. Just remember, our job is to love them and make sure they are cared for properly. You're doing great. The one you love is slowly leaving you, but you can remember your lives together even if he can't. God bless you and him as you continue on your journey.

David

mrahope

This post made me cry.  I just hate that my DH knows how much he is declining and feels badly about it.  It's so hard to see him try this hard to be someone he can no longer be.  I miss the "old" him desperately.

Jeff86

Today, my DW said to me, “I want you to take care of me.” Of course, I assured her I do and I will. Pre-AD (yes, there was such a time), she was always taking care of everyone else, and would never have wanted to be taken care of.

ImMaggieMae

Reading this made me cry. I can’t imagine not taking care of my husband at home for the duration. I just don’t have it in me to send him away.

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Paris20

White Crane, you could have been describing my DH. I could no longer take care of him at home after he had a stroke. When I visit at his skilled nursing facility, and have to leave, it is so sad. I always tell him that I’ll be back, never specifying that I won’t be back today. He always grabs my arm with his good hand and begs me not to leave. It breaks my heart. I try not to dwell on what was but it’s inevitable that with every visit I see my smart, capable, loving husband fading away.