Father Unwilling to Help my Mom

Drea88

Hello. My mom (76y/o) was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease in 2014. She currently resides with my father whom she's been married to for 40+ years. Over the past year, her decline and dementia have gotten worse, and over the past month, it's been the worst yet. I take my mom to al her appts and get her involved in specifically designed MC outpatient programs (PT/OT/Speech), as well as take/make all other medical appts. I am her healthcare agent and I do have a notarized durable HC POA. My father refuses to have anyone come in to their home (as in home health aides), and he also refuses to give me any of their financial info so I can make arrangements for a MC center, or an  Assisted Living Facility, or even state-assisted home health. I am a 43 year old F only child and want to get my mom the help she needs, but he fights me every step of the way. I was finally able to get her evaluated and admitted to a local "Admit from Home" rehab program (she is to be admitted today, actually, thank goodness) where she will get inpatient PT/OT/Speech,  but this only will last approx 2 weeks. I firmly believe she CANNOT go back to their home SAFELY. As her Parkinson's is greatly impeding her mobility, she has fallen numerous times at their house, and these are only the ones she tells me about. He cannot and will not help her in the ways she needs, and he will not allow ME to GET her help. I am hoping that when her stay at the rehab program I mentioned above nears its end that the social workers team can see that she cannot go back to that house, and can "force" him to pay up for a facility that she needs. I don't know what else I can do, and I was wondering if anyone out there has a remotely similar situation, or any advice on next steps. I have considered calling Adult Protective Services, but as she is being admitted to the in-patient rehab today, I don't see how that'd be of any benefit right now... Thanks for listening. - A -

SusanB-dil

Hi Drea88 - could your dad be in denial? Maybe thinking he can handle it, when actually, that doesn't seem to be happening. 

If the workers at the facility aren't able to help convince dad, IF she were to go back home, would any fiblets work?  That any workers you bring in 'they are helping'. The workers need more hours for certification, or they need a few extra hours to complete their 40-hour week, or tell him that with your mom's decline, maybe because insurance deems it necessary.

Since she is falling, agree - that is not safe... sorry you are dealing with that.

Hoot619

For others to give you advice it helps to know what state you are in. You do have a good idea about calling Adult Protective Services. Others will chime in here, Please listen to their advice, some have gone thru just the stuff you are experiencing . Hoot

harshedbuzz

Drea-

Your options around this are limited to a degree by how strong your stomach is.

One option is to explore the reasons behind your dad's reluctance to provide appropriate care.

Could it be he's like the frog in the warm pot of water not realizing he's about to boil to death?

Or could he also have had a cognitive shift of his own leaving him in the early stages of dementia that may not be as obvious compared to mom's? Some of my dad's earliest dementia symptoms were a total lack or empathy and any really poor executive function/judgment. 

Could he be reluctant to pay for her care? Is he generally frugal? Perhaps he believes he'd lose his home if she went into care. A visit with a CELA regarding Medicaid's rules about a community spouse.

In a sense, this arrangement is enabling him to neglect your mom's needs as you bear the legal responsibility for her health and safety but without access to the financials to make that happen. Normally, you could withdraw, let the feces hit the fan and step in from a position of strength when that happens. But you are not just morally obligated, you're on the hook legally. 

Would it be possible to get the OT and PT from the program to do a consult in the home "as part of the program" <wink, wink> to assess the home situation and talk to him about what is needed. Perhaps even using not-so-veiled-threats in their roles as mandatory reporters? 

Another option is going for guardianship and starting divorce proceedings on her behalf to get funds for her care. You might need to involve APS to start the paper trail of neglect to make this happen.

HB