Coping with loss

Anna2022

Still new to these threads and I'm experiencing things that many of you have already experienced and so I write, looking for a few answers.

I realize that this journey shows us many losses, but tonight, one particular loss has hit me like a ton of bricks. We had planned so many things for our retirement, DH retired two years ago, I retired a few years earlier.  COVID caused us to wait....and now, I know that we won't be able to accomplished much, if not all, of what we planned. It's heartbreaking. And I am filled with an indescribable sadness, for DH, for me, for us as a couple, for us as a family.

I know you know what I'm feeling and thinking... . How do you all cope with this particular loss of plans and dreams? How do I move through this? How do you all do this??

MaryG123

I’m so sorry Anna2022.  All I’ve been able to do is grieve for the losses, then pick myself up and move on.  Some days I’m sad and some days I’m happy.  Hugs to you.

Ernie123

Anna . I do understand exactly what you are saying and feeling. My DW was diagnosed 10 years ago and has lived in memory care for three years. She is now in very advanced stage dementia. I am living alone in the the house we shared since 1971. There is no easy answer. It comes down to accepting the new reality you find yourself living. I guess we all have a vision of how our future will play out and we anticipate sharing a rewarding and happy retirement with our spouse. For those of us who have had a happy fulfilling marriage we assume it will continue that way. My DW and I started dating at 16, married at 21, and will soon celebrate our 55th anniversary. We were always very close as a couple, never had any issues and enjoyed doing everything together. This makes it very hard to suddenly be alone and watch my life partner fade away into her strange confused world of dementia. What I do to cope is not think about what could have been for us but rather just focus on the day to day routines of what our new life is. I seek out new activities and challenges for myself as I try to accept I am now making a new life for myself, by myself. I visit her every day and if she is having a good day take  her outside for a walk in her wheelchair which she seems to enjoy. If she is agitated and doesn’t respond to me visiting, I leave her with her fellow residents where she usually seems more content. As time goes by I am doing better adjusting to this horrible new normal. What you are feeling is a sense of grief and loss, and you are probably anticipating the future with dread. But once you accept what you cannot change and try not to ruminate on what might have been you can move on to finding a new way forward. In my mind there is no easy answer, it is hard. 

I have found attending Alzheimer’s support group meetings very helpful. Sharing your feelings and worries with others who get it is very therapeutic, like this forum. 

Anna2022

Thank you Ernie and Mary!

toolbeltexpert

Anna every loss is a place to grieve but not to stay there, moving forward to what can be. I visit every day, we walk and go over the same things most days. We have been married 44 years and our house is now a place of loneliness. I started making plans to sell and now I am moving forwarded to finding a new small home near the memory  care where she is. Not easy, I love where we lived and it is gonna be hard. But life goes on, I look forward to all the new things that will happen because of this change.

Well I started using the back button so I stop here. None of this is easy.

BTW welcome to the forum.

Joydean

Anna, it is very hard to let go of all your dreams and plans. Mostly because they are plans you made together. But Anna there are still things you can do together. Do them now while you can. It may not be exactly what the plans were, but while he is still in early stages there’s lots you can do. Take advantage of the time you have and make the most of it. Don’t dwell on tomorrow,enjoy today! There will be hard times ahead for sure. Lots of time for tears, today use it for enjoying and making good memories. 

Hugs for you both. Glad you were able to share your location!  We are both in Texas. 

Crushed

Ernie 123   Boy you saved me a lot of typing

My story is the same except DW is younger
I was 19 when I met her 24 when we got married and We live in the house where I first kissed her in 1972 

I see DW on face time.  She has no awareness of the outside world  

And it hurts hurts hurts

Ed1937

"There is no easy answer. It comes down to accepting the new reality you find yourself living."

I think acceptance is critical. I accepted my wife's diagnosis early on, and I was able to mostly make it through without too much drama. Yes, there were certain losses that really got to me, but again, I faced reality. Now I'm dealing with the death of my wife, and it's much harder. After 64 years of marriage, I don't want to let go. I don't want to face reality. I still do a fair amount of crying after more than three months since she passed. I am trying to accept it, and I know there is no going back. But it's hard. Time will help. But I don't know how much time it will take.

Beachfan

Anna,

Ernie 123 pretty much summed up my journey.  DH was diagnosed in May, 2010, and has faded away little by little every day since.  Early on, I accepted our fate, but refused to give in to it. (I’ve always been a glass half full type of person, refusing to wallow and always with a plan B in my back pocket.)   I tried to capitalize on the things DH could do as long as he could do them. We traveled, enjoyed winter island vacations, and always, summers at the Jersey ‘shore. Eventually I learned to modify any activity to meet his needs and I began to enjoy the simple pleasures in life- - a walk at sunset, sitting by a fire.  Luckily, family members circled the wagons and I have 2 of our 3 kids and 7 grandkids within walking distance.  

 DH has been in a MCF since November and I am free to spend time with kids and grandkids, friends, and doing things that bring me pleasure.  He no longer knows me or any family members and I no longer agonize over lost plans and dreams.  I miss him and what we had; I love him with all my heart, but some things cannot be changed and so I cope and carry on.  Yes, there are moments of incredible sadness and it hurts, but you can survive, you will survive.  One day at a time.  Stay strong.