I’m burning out

Itslinny

My first time posting. DH of 53 yrs was finally diagnosed 2 years ago with vascular dementia even though we’ve been dealing with issues and testing for nearly 10 years. The year prior to diagnosis in a 6 month period he had shingles, 2 Tia’s and a brain bleed that damaged both frontal lobes. He is 75.Fortunately for me he doesn’t have a mean bone in his body, is fairly mobile and can take care of his hygiene. Unfortunately he’s become socially distant and basically uninvolved with daily activity. Just tv and cat naps. He can be very obstinate at times  

I have difficulty at times acknowledging the changed man that he is.  My burn out is emotional. I continue to include him in all decision making as he has said he feels emasculated. He’s had to give up driving and for a “car guy” this has been really hard. 

I’m tired of starting the day wondering what the day will bring. Some days he’s my man, the dementia guy, or swings from a 7 yo to a 3yo behavior. 

I do get 4hrs a week respite and family will come in for me to get away for a few days. But I’m getting resentful that I have to leave my home. Our only son lives in another state and quick to be here when needed or asked. Naturally he wants us to move so he can help out but he still works. It won’t change the situation, just the location which we’d be unhappy in. 

I feel guilty for “being tired of this”.  

Ed1937

Hi linny, and welcome to the forum. Sorry you are dealing with this. There is no guilt to be had for being tired of this. Dementia is a very emotional roller coaster, that's for sure. 

You said you include him in all decision making. Does he have the capacity to make rational decisions? If not, I hope you make all decisions without really considering his input. While it is good to let him feel like he is part of everything, the time comes when you just have to take control.

I'm glad your son is willing to help. But there are a lot of things to consider when you talk about moving. How much help would he actually be able to give you if you moved? Would it be enough to warrant moving? Would you be happy there in the future if your DH was no longer requiring your care? Are there better services, or are they easier to get in the other state? Just so many things to think about.

If you really feel as though you are burned out, you should do your homework on MCs where you are now, versus where your son lives. 

I'm sorry it's so hard. But you are in a good place here to get help and understanding from people who genuinely care.