Cutting back on visits

dwadd333

Because of moderate stage dementia, my dad is at the best possible facility for long-term care. I can't take care of him myself for various reasons. Since I trust the facility, talking to clinical and administrative staff often, and keeping in touch with dad, it seems the necessary hovering I did up until a week or so ago is gradually... decreasing? I saw him today and he seemed in good spirits but became agitated when confused about certain events. After we straightened that out, he calmed and I left. Is there a point when a LO appears to be in good hands with managed care outside the home, you wouldn't need to see that person every single day? I do care and love my dad dearly. But whenever he seems me, there's something URGENT that has to be done RIGHT NOW. But... there isn't anything urgent at all. I'll see him again in a few days. What do you think? He doesn't have physical ailments... just a compromised brain.

Thank you.

sandwichone123

I go see my dh twice a week. I take him out for breakfast or lunch on the weekend, and go see him after work one day mid-week. He is building relationships with the caregivers and other residents there, and he doesn't need me intruding on that all the time.

dwadd333

That's basically how I'm feeling about things with dad. It was really touch and go at the beginning -- and this is the second facility -- but he talks favorably about the staff although he's not too fond of other residents. He has his own room for this reason. I'm going twice a week as well. He understands I have a life too.

mommyandme (m&m)

It’s so wonderful that your dad knows you have and need a life.  I think your plan to moderate visits is right on point.  Such a caring, loving daughter are you.

buckeyenut

dwadd33 

I'm struggling with the same issue on how many days to visit. My dad is in MC and has bonded with the staff at his place. He becomes agitated when I disrupt his daily routine and I have to admit that I'm not dealing well with seeing his decline mentally and physically. When he was in AL I visited him 5-7 days a week. I have cut back to 2 days a week and my siblings now visit on my off days. (when he was AL my siblings never visited long painful story) 

The staff has told me I need to take care of myself and allow them to do their jobs and to stop feeling guilty. I must admit its easier said than done!

dwadd333

I feel the same way buckeyenut! I keep telling my dad's nieces, nephews and grandkids to go visit him so he would have interaction with relatives other than me. I have a full time job on top of other things and can't see him every day. He's happy to see me and we talk. But he really doesn't need to see me all the time. I have confidence and trust in his care although still feeling guilty for pulling back. I do need to take care of myself now... for his sake as well as mine.

ninalu

Hi dwadd333,
You've done an amazing job advocating for your dad; showing the carers / staff that you are present and involved, making sure he has what he needs. The fact that he seems to be getting settled in LTC is great.

It's not uncommon, from what I've experienced, for a parent or LO to be unsettled by a family visit. My mother has done this at various times in our journey together (she has late stage Alzheimer's now, and is in a nursing facility.) For me, learning how to visit well is something that has taken time. I have had to learn how to leave (rather than trying to fix things) during a visit that wasn't going well, how to leave from a visit that was going very well, and how to let her be without me. Some of this was on me to let go of her, and some of it was fear that she'd become so dependent on me, that she'd suffer or feel abandoned if I wasn't there everyday. 

I also had to learn to trust the facility - that they'd call me if they needed me. And they have. 

You may be in a phase with your dad, where he's adjusting and temporarily more agitated or urgent. In time he may become more calm. In my case, situations like you describe have been "wait and see" experiences. Sometimes, my mother's agitation would increase and she'd need a medication adjustment. Other times, she was simply adjusting to a new situation and / or having a tough day. With my mom, I now visit once a week on a day when I can spend time with her. I used to be able to go for shorter, more frequent visits -- but short visits now destabilize her. 

One more thing to share. When I was struggling with my mom's placement in memory care, a good friend (whose mom also had Alzheimer's) said to me: "Visit when you have the physical and emotional energy to be there, and when you want to be there. Don't neglect to care for yourself. Trust yourself." In my case, this advice helped a lot. I wound up visiting 1-2 times a week once Mom settled -- more if there was an upset or change in her status. 

Sending you good thoughts, dwadd333.

All you caregivers out there, I'm grateful for you.  

dwadd333

Thank you ninalu. We all need to take care of ourselves as we've taken care of others.

ninalu wrote:

One more thing to share. When I was struggling with my mom's placement in memory care, a good friend (whose mom also had Alzheimer's) said to me: "Visit when you have the physical and emotional energy to be there, and when you want to be there. Don't neglect to care for yourself. Trust yourself." In my case, this advice helped a lot. I wound up visiting 1-2 times a week once Mom settled -- more if there was an upset or change in her status. 

Sending you good thoughts, dwadd333.

All you caregivers out there, I'm grateful for you.  

dwadd333

Just spoke to him via the nurses station phone because he doesn't always remember to charge his cell phone. But in any case, I told him I'll be there in a couple of days. And he seemed OK with it and assures me they're treating him right (his words). I kept the call short. However, I wonder since he might be aware of what's happening with his cognitive decline, he's also embarrassed. Has anyone experienced a LO being somewhat shameful or guilty having a disease beyond anyone's control? I wonder if his dementia was a punch in the gut as far as his ego and pride. What do you think?