I'm doing better

Hoot619

Since Jan has past things around here are gradually getting a little better. Still have periods of remorse that I could have done better, but at the time I did the best I could. My feelings for her now are a lot better now . The last 3 months were something else.

The love for her is like it was before this darn* disease really got going. Yes I miss her greatly and when sitting in front room I look at her empty chair and really feel my loss.  It is getting better, her dog Bucky is taking over her chair ad Jan would love to see that. I look now and when I see him all is OK.

My daughter had to go back down state but will be back up sometime in the coming week.   She has been a great help in getting Jan's room done and getting my house back in order. All I have to do is not mess it up, she has a way of telling me what she expects out of me and says it in a real nice way. 

  My son has been checking in on me also.  He is getting my truck set up like his for a better ride. New tires shocks alignment .    The funeral will be on the 15th of this month. Kenny  also took care of the meal arrangement.

I used this forum so much before Jan's passing, when things weren't going right for us. I was on here reading all the posts 4-5 times a day. Some of the posts let me know that things could be worse, some I got some smiles out of and some I shed tears. 

Thank you all  Hoot

Ed1937

Hoot, thanks for the update. It's really good to know that you're doing better You've been a busy guy caring for your wife for a long time. It will still be hard for God knows how long, but it does get better slowly. I'm glad you're able to move on.

toolbeltexpert

Ken thanks for your update. Jan's dog sounds special. 

Keep posting my friend. 

Dio

Hoot, so good to hear from you and that you're getting on well. Glad you have your daughter and son to provide help/support. Please know that you've done a great job taking care of Jan, the best that you can in this long embattled journey! No regrets needed, period. Please take care of yourself and continue to find solace in the aftermath. Please keep us posted and stay well. (((hugs)))

Joydean

Ken, Hoot, thank you for updating us. Your daughter sounds like a “hoot “, they do have a way of telling dad how to keep the house clean! Glad your son is getting your truck updated. The little dog will be good company for you. Take care my friend and keep coming back. I can only speak for myself, I learned a lot from you! Your humor is missed.

CD5

Your children sound wonderful.  Thanks for sharing your journey with us.

Jo C.

Hello there Hoot, it is good to hear from you and to know you are doing okay.  Once you are part of this wonderful place, even when our LO is gone, you are still part of this family; so I am glad you are sticking around.

Well . . . . can you send those lovely kids of yours out here?  I especially could use your dear daughter's talents.  Have to smile, Ken; she has given you your orders and will probably check things out next time she is up that way.  What a lovely person.

I can well imagine how quiet the house seems now and am glad despite the loss that you feel some peace; it was a very difficult last three months, especially the last month, for sure.  Pretty soon it will be time for the deer camp.  Love camp, but I am not a fan of deer hunting even though I was raised in the U.P. and my Dad and other relatives hunted, but that is just me; I sure never liked the idea of baiting deer - seems like they need a fair chance.  Once again, just me being me.  Don't even ask about the time I cried gallons when I was a tiny child after my father brought home a big buck he had shot; "Bambi's Daddy!!!!"  Poor Dad.

Here we are, October.  Not long before you have to winterize the house and get set for the deep, deep freeze that the U.P. gifts each year.   Don't forget to lay in supplies including tossing out and updating any OTC meds that are out of date and laying in the OTCs needed for cold and flu, as well as keeping a little stock of nearly clear soups, applesauce, non-acidic juices, gatorade type drinks, soda crackers, etc. in the pantry for a "just in case" need so you do not have to go out in ice and  snow if feeling not so well. 

As well as; be being an RN, I must poke you a bit and remind you to go get that flu shot if not done yet, AND so hope you have done the COVID vaccine and boosters; the latest booster, the bivalent one is available now. We got our bivalent booster a week and a half ago and are going for our flu shots tomorrow.  Relief to have the stuff done.  I have nagged you enough; may things go well and you follow your dear daughter's instructions so you do not get caught up short the next time she visits.  Be well and take good care.

J.

Hoot619

Jo C,  Thanks yes I need the 2d booster shot I just haven't got it yet, flu shot I have a Doc appointment and will find out if I had it .  Shingles I had the 2 shot deal earlier.  Saturday is the funeral and with the kids I'll get thru it OK.  I'll be glad when everything is taken care of.

Life is going to be a little different but I went  to church Sunday.  Next week I'll be picking apples for deer Camp but just for the does and fawns- I'll do my best to keep the Bucks off the pile. Need to get my son or his wife to feed dog etc Nov 15 on.

I still hit this forum 4-5 times a day, I owe you people so much and I can't stay away.

                                                        Love to All Hoot

Ed1937

Hoot, I'm glad you have the kids. Saturday will be hard, but you'll be okay. The kids need you as much as you need them.

Jo C.

I have a large number of multiple generations of relatives from both sides of my family in the Ishpeming cemetery, "up there" in the U.P. not far from you; it is a really peaceful and lovely place that came into being about 1860 or so. 

Ken; I will be thinking of you and your family on Saturday; it may not be an easy day, but it will be one of loving remembrance of better days durng the "before" years.  I am glad your children will be there with and for you.

Take good care of you and let us know how you are,

J.

Hoot619

Jo C,     Thanks I owe you a lot for all the kind stuff you say and also what I had to do at times following your advice.  Jennifer is on her way up, I got the kitchen dining room bathroom and hallway to the backdoor mopped.  I did call her and give her hell for making me do it. She got a kick out of it.

I'm doing pretty good, at times bawling my head off but that is expected. If I wasn't doing that something would be wrong. Shows I miss her greatly.

Saturday I will have my son and daughter plus his wife and her husband and grandsons to get me thru it. Be glad when all is done.   I'll head out to camp for a few days next week and get my thoughts together.  I'll add more to the letter to Jan out there. It helps. Hoot (ken)

Jo C.

Good evening, Ken.  While we will not be able to be there with you in person tomorrow, we will be with you in spirit; you can picture us near your shoulder lending our support.

J.

Joydean

Ken we will be thinking of you and your family Saturday. Prayers for you and your family.

Hoot619

Thanks everybody, your concerns for me are greatly appreciated. I don't know how I could have gone thru all this without your help and prayers.  I keep on reading this forum and more and more people are going thru stuff that they never thought they could do or experience.

Maybe some day there will be vaccine to stop all this. a Caregiver goes thru a lot but our LO's go thru hell I imagine. Some can't say what they need, express their love, tell what hurts and we can't fix it or make it better for them.    Yes I'm OK that Jan has passed, nothing is bothering her now and I miss her so very much.  Ken (HOOT)  I can hardly see the screen for the tears

Joydean

Ken thinking of you today asking God for strength and peace for you and your family.

Ed1937

Hoot, don't be in a hurry, but check back in whenever you feel like it. Sending a prayer for you and your kids.

Hoot619

Well the funeral is over also the meal after it. A lot of tears were shed during the service.  I was able to tell her goodby by the end of the service. Then the tears really came.  The money I received in the cards I will double it and send in to Alzheimer's . I think there is a UP of Mi chapter I'll check on it.  Maybe things will get to be so called normal around here.  At least I have the good memories of her from before.

Sligo177

Hoot,

Thanks for letting us know how you are doing.  Your life has been so tough these past years, and you deserve happiness.  You were a wonderful husband.  Take care.

Ed1937

Hoot, the hardest part is now over. It will still be incredibly hard, but it *will* get better. It's good that you had the kids with you. I hope you can lean on each other for a while.

Hoot619

Thanks to all of you I got thru Jan's  funeral ok and also what the disease did to her and I. I know my part was a lot easier than her's.   I know I couldn't handle it at the end stages. But that was me.  What about her and what she was going thru.

 I and the kids were glad when she passed, her pain etc was finally gone.  Yes we miss her greatly like we should and we have our memories with and about her will keep us going.

I'll be heading to camp after I go to lunch at Sr. Citizens, they have it 3 times a week. Me and the dog , maybe shoot a few birds (pats) and see if the dog hunts better than me. Do a little cleaning , heat up the steam bath (sauna) , do some reading.  Will write more on the letter to Jan. I was OK til I wrote that.  Tears of my love for her I guess. Ken

Ed1937

Ken, I could have written everything you did except for the gun. I haven't had one for several years now, and don't really miss it.

As caregivers we sometimes don't think about what this disease is doing to our LOs. When we do consider it, it makes our job just a little easier, I think.

It won't be easy, my friend, but you'll get through it just like the rest of us. Again, a day at a time.

Jo C.

Hello Hoot; gosh; wonder if you made it out to camp.  A formal Winter Storm Warning has been put out up there in the U.P. with lots of wet snow coming down.  Please take good care of you and stay on the side of safety.  If you went out to camp, if it's way out,  hope the side roads to camp are going to stay passable.

Thinking of you as you begin to work through the "after" of all that has happened.   Stay warm and be well.

J.

Hoot619

Back to the empty house around 2 PM , de cat met me at the door when I opened it.  Nothing but rain and some snow but it isn't sticking. Saw 1 bird on the way out but didn't feel like getting after it.

Have one heck of a mice problem out there, what I saved I've got in washer rest went in burn barrel at camp. One drawer filled with mattress stuffing completely.

Did write a few more pages to Jan at camp .  I also made my  intergroup meeting Saturday night. Between you folks and them I made it thru everything OK, wasn't easy at times .

Have been thinking I should have done a lot more for Jan in our marriage and also in her sickness. But I did the best I could at the time. I have to forgive myself and it does make it easier.  The letter to her does a lot for me getting my feelings and thoughts out to her.

Her wedding ring is going to my son Kenny's wife. My daughter just called and asked if it would be OK.  Hoot

jfkoc

Mice...They ate the wiring in my range!!!  After spend $$$$ someone told me about peppermint oil...worked  like a charm.

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Hoot619

Victoria2020 Joydean Sligo77 and so many others while I have been on here and never thanked for the prayers and everything that was freely given to me on my wife's journey with this disease.  This is one big family of caring people going thru this awful journey that we hope and pray that at some time there might be a cure or a med that can stop this disease.

As caregivers it is hard on us but what about our LO. Many of our LO's can't say what they need, how they feel, can't remember their LO's,I imagine they are  very scared also. We try to answer their needs but how. 

Ed1937

Hoot, I think many times it is harder on our LOs than it is/was for us. We can only guess what goes on in their minds. What does it do to them when they are so confused, and don't understand why? What is it like when they can't remember family members? So many other questions. We have/had it hard, but many times they might have had it worse.

Joydean

To know, to understand even a small inkling of what goes on in the lo mind!  A few months ago my dh was more clingy ( not good English) and so I asked him if he was okay. He was just different, so  he told me he was scared. I asked if he knew what he was scared of, he told me he felt like so much of him was just fading away. ( this was one of his clearer days). So I ask where do you think you are fading too or why. He could only say “I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t feel things anymore like before.”   I wanted to cry, to scream but all I could do was remind him how much I love him and how much our kids love him.

Sorry Hoot, didn’t mean to sabotage your thread! 

Hoot619

Joydean, Thats what I was getting at, He knew something wasn't right with him. It's got to be a living hell for them.  Kind of like being in a locked room, they can't get out and we can't get in.    I'm glad my wife passed, her hurting is over and now if I can keep in that frame of mind it makes it a little easier for me.  I miss her so darn much but no way would I want her back the way she was.   You didn't hijack it you added to it.