We're all REALLY lost and worried we're too far behind the curve

love_jessiemae

Hello all, I apologize for the length in advance. First time poster here. I've spent the day desperately trying to find support & I'm so glad to know this resource exists. My grandparents (86 and 84) have both been diagnosed with dementia. Unfortunately, we are not sure the type, what stage or much of anything really. We only found out because we found documents a few years ago.

My mother, sister/brother in law, and I live in Nevada and up until a couple of years ago, my grandparents were in Texas. We were at the mercy of them relaying information but things just weren't adding up. We pushed and begged and finally got them to agree to come here so we can help and hoped to begin getting things in order (re: POAs etc). My mother lives with them full time and tries her best to be of assistance. The issue is, unfortunately, we never got POA medically or financially and we're very limited in our ability to make decisions that are helpful to them. They maintain there's no need for any of it and we're worried that our communications are making matters worse trying to press this issue. 

Thankfully my mother and my grandparents have the same primary care physician and she has told my grandparents she refuses to see them without my mom due to their inability to recall what she is saying to them. They agree to let my mom sit in on appointments so that has been helpful medically. But they are still attempting to handle their own finances and other personal affairs and refusing assistance. The issue with this is they only allow us to help once things have blown up (like forgetting to pay energy bill and lights being disconnected, or thinking their identity has been stolen because they forgot they signed up for a credit card). Recently, my grandfather somehow purchased a truck (yes, a truck) with no recollection and was adamant someone hacked their account.  

We're just feeling very helpless and we don't even know where to start. On one hand, we feel the urgency but our attempts are viewed as trying to "take" these things from them and that has been met with rage and it's not safe for my mother. On the other hand, we understand how difficult all of this is for them and that the process is painful for everyone, not just us. 

Has anyone had to pursue POA so late in this process? Is that even an option?? I feel uncomfortable because it feels like they just don't understand i'm not even sure ethically if I would be able to get them to sign documents. I'm so worried we're too late and it feels like we're just watching everything burn down with no shot here.

To add insult to injury, my grandparents are also adamant that they want to move back to Texas and that they don't need any help. We're all doing the best we can within our power to derail that idea but specifically, my grandfather is determined. He calls relatives and family friends who just don't understand the severity of what we're dealing with here and they encourage his desire to move back to Texas and have even offered to help him move. They have no idea how dangerous it is for them to be alone at this point. None of our relatives have seen them since they left Texas so they are making opinions based off of their condition years ago. It's hard to get our LO's to understand (respectfully) they do not need to involve themselves in any of this as they truly don't know how dangerous it is to tell them that they should pack up and leave. I have had ONE uncle (my mother has 3 siblings) come see my grandparents and now he understands why we have been so adamant they cannot move... So we do have one LO trying to help us derail the relatives in Texas that are encouraging the move. 

**sorry again this is so long. So many thoughts and fears that I just carry around in my mind. We are open to any and all advice, encouragement, feedback. We have NO CLUE what we're doing. 

Martin Robbins

Meet with an elder law attorney, soon.  They can answer your questions.  Then at least that's off your mind.

GothicGremlin

I'm with Martin, you should see a certified elder law attorney asap. They aren't cheap, but they'll be able to help you sort through this. 

See if you can find one who will give you a free consultation. You can usually get 15 to 30 min of their time that way. In order to get the most out of that short amount of time, know what you're going to say going in, and prioritize your questions with the most important ones being first.  After that meeting, you should hopefully have a start on the lay of the land.

harshedbuzz

Another vote for a consult with a Certified Elder Law Attorney.

You can find one here-

National Elder Law Foundation (nelf.org)

A CELA can determine if they feel your grandparents are still competent to sign assuming they are willing. If they are not both competent and willing, then guardianship (or conservatorship depending on state) needs to be obtained on an emergency basis. This is not an inexpensive prospect, but if the court assigns it to your mom the costs will be paid by your grandparents. Their PCP may be an ally. 

In terms of the money piece, your mom needs to act to shut dad's spending down. She needs to cut off his access and also freeze his credit. 

HB