What to do(2)

Lizzielou

My DH is angry that he doesn’t have a car (lost his license so I sold the car).  He is pressuring me relentlessly about going to car dealers so he can buy another one.  That’s all he talks about all day.  He is verbally abusive, indulges in name calling and is miserable to be around.  I am soooooo tired of hearing how awful I am.  What so I do?  Just ignore it and take the abuse, defend myself, place him in memory care?

Dio

Lizzie, so sorry you're having to go through this. My DH is also upset that I won't let him drive, but he's less abusive in this area. I'm using stall tactic at the moment. I'd first acknowledge as sympathetically as I can to convey the sadness I share in that he can't drive presently, then say "it's not safe for you to drive now. When you get well you'll be able to drive again" or simply "soon, just be patient." So far it's working but then again it depends on his mood of the day. Or fib that you're having trouble getting car insurance or loan to buy a car?

I know it's so hard to take abuse of any kind, so asking you to ignore it may not be in your best interest. Someone once recommended that I wear headphones/earplugs and listen to music or soothing meditative things to stay calm during his rants.

Stuck in the middle

I have told myself that I will never tolerate that kind of thing again, so I wouldn't just try to ignore it.  In my experience, defending yourself doesn't work -  logic doesn't apply in these things.  That leaves option 3, and I think that's what I would do.

BKay

Can you think of a way to shift the reason for his inability to drive to something, anything, that is not you? 

I was in fear for my life when my husband was still insisting on driving while being unable to get how dangerous he was. Then we moved to a different state that required all newcomers to take and pass an online driver's test. My husband took the test and failed. It was incredibly sad to see him study and study with the intent to take the test again, but I kept supporting him and kept myself from saying "Thank God you didn't pass that test!" After a long while, he stopped studying and no longer wanted to try the test again. He's a rule follower, so he wouldn't drive without having a license. He was upset, of course, but he blamed the test, not me, and I could commiserate with him and be on his side even as I was really feeling intense relief.

Maybe if you consistently and very sympathetically tell him, like another poster suggested, that the bank said no to a loan or that the insurance company dropped your coverage, he will stop seeing you as the problem.

 I hope you can get some peace soon!

Ed1937

If there is any way to put the blame on someone else, do it. The doctor said he couldn't drive. The police know he doesn't have a license, and they're watching. The bureau of motor vehicles...... Whatever it takes. You have to get the pressure off yourself if possible.

If that doesn't work, the cars are too expensive now because they can't get the parts to make them fast enough for demand. 

Here's a video for you. Dementia and Driving - with Teepa Snow of Positive Approach to Care 

Only you will know when it's time for placement. 

PlentyQuiet

I have no experience to offer up on this. However reading other threads it sounds like sometimes the PWD can eventually forget about driving, or at least be less focused on it.

Would a month long respite stay be an option to help wait out this phase? It may also help answer if placement is the right option. If nothing else you get an extended break.