Feeling both exhausted and guilty

CarolynATL

It's been nearly 5 years since I realized there was a problem and started the process to get Dad diagnosed.  Dad's in a great MC facility now with wonderful hospice nurses, but it has been a long road for both of us.  Two months ago he spent 10 days in the hospital, with my sister and I doing 12-hour shifts at his side.  He's a fall risk, wanders, and is non-verbal....we weren't about to leave him unattended.  Long story short, I'm exhausted.  I'm trying to be more careful about my own care and spending time with my family.  The other side of that coin is that I don't see him as much as I feel I should - sometimes 2 weeks.  And with each visit I see a new 'milestone' that noone wants to reach.  Since I last saw him his appetite has tanked.

When I'm feeling selfish about my time, I tell myself that he's safe, well cared for, and that he doesn't know who I am or whether I'm there anyway (which feels cruddy to say out loud).  How are you all coping with the balancing act while seeing your LO slip away?

(side note: My sis is in another state and is caring for a parent and a granddaughter, but she's on the next flight when I ask.) 

SusanB-dil

I don't see any need to feel guilty. You are doing all you can and then some. 

Good you are trying to be more careful of your own time. Need that. ((hugs))

Hoot619

Carolyn,

 You have your Dad in the right place ,he is getting very good care. Your family and yourself should come first.  Since he isn't aware of anything it should make it easier on you. I know it is hard on you not seeing him more often but he doesn't even know when you are there. It would be a lot different if he was aware of things. Don't be so hard on yourself, your feelings are showing that you really care a lot about him

buckeyenut

Carolyn, 

Hey you we are in the same boat. My dad is in a wonderful MC facility and I have had to cut my visits back to twice a week. I'm struggling with watching him slip away and honestly I feel guilty with my thoughts of wishing the end would come sooner rather than later. There are times when I really say how I truly feel about watching the progression of this horrible disease and it makes me feel like I'm an evil person. It's been a long 5 1/2 years! 

Arrowhead

DO NOT FEEL SELFISH. He has lived his life and you need to live yours. You've done all you can for him, and you can't do any more than what you have already done. Others are taking care of him now and you need to get on with your life. Live it.

CarolynATL

Thank you all for giving me the place to say the quiet part out loud.  I truly appreciate it, and your words are just what I need this week.