Memory Care 3 Weeks in ...

John1965

I posted before about how flawlessly DW's placement went. 

Overall, things are as good or better than I expected, with a few disappointments too. But the disappointments are pretty minor given the scope of care DW is receiving.

Visits are always good. Ending visits and saying goodbye, not so much. DW always wants me to stay and usually has a demonstrative demonstration upon departure. But I know that she's getting better care and more stimulation than I can provide her at home. When I arrive, she's always happily engaged in an activity. To be honest, if I had tried to have caregivers in our home, she would have been just as demonstrative about my "leaving' as she has demonstrated in the MC facility.

A new concern today. ... A new resident checked in while I was visiting this morning. The staff was told, "He's a hugger." That's an understatement. I stayed for about 2.5 hours and watched as the staff and every female resident struggled to redirect his hugs. He hugged my DW a few times during my stay. I told him, "That's my wife, and only I get to hug her like that!" I'm not judging, only trying to redirect him from the behavior. One of the aides whispered in my ear, "can you tell him I"m your wife, too?" It's his first day, and there is a professional staff that will develop a plan to help manage his behavior. I know that he's impaired, but so is my DW, and I feel an obligation to protect her. (Context, my DW is by far the youngest in the unit at 57 years old. Her youth and relative "beauty" could make her a target in her compromised state). Ugh!

I'm starting to adjust to the change in my situation. I'm exercising and plan to continue to improve my own health. It took a beating with the demands and stress of being a full-time caregiver. I miss having DW home, but I don't miss having her home and dependent on me 24/7. I long to have her understand my feelings, but that train left the station a few years ago. What I intellectually know was the best option for both of us still feels a bit like betrayal and abandonment. 

The MC wing of her facility currently has 14 residents. It's been interesting to see how the disease manifests itself in others. Most of the residents are at about the same level of cognitive function as my DW. I was deluding myself that it was "too early" for placement. A few are in the stage 7, so there is a window in what is to come. 

I simply want all of our loved ones to live and die with dignity. At least the highest level of dignity available.

toolbeltexpert

John you did the best thing when you chose the place she's at. An attentive staff able to redirect and they are well aware of his behaviours. The staff has seen it all before the nice thing is they tag team and find what works.

Everything takes time. My wife is also three weeks in this mcf although she has been gone sine July 11th. 

Leaving for me is still a heart wrenching thing.

I agree with your statement about dying with dignity. 

loveskitties

Instead of doing a "goodbye", perhaps you could get the staff to take her to an activity while you slip out, or time your leaving with the folks being taken to a meal or snack in another area.

Ed1937

John, it sounds like things are going relatively well. I wouldn't worry too much about the hugging. I'm guessing most of the aides are younger than 57, so she isn't the only one that is a little younger. "can you tell him I"m your wife, too?" Thanks for the laugh.

I like Marie's suggestion to just slip away if that would work better.

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

Sligo177

Hi John,

That sounds like a nice place for your DW, I feel the same about where my DH is.  It's b een since August 1st. And, some of the residents are kind of uninhibited, like the man you mentioned, and the staff now has to lock DW's door at times, because one woman went in and laid next to him on his bed, which upset him greatly!  These are things that happen, and I understand, because a good MC never wants to restrain a resident, they try to redirect them.  And I have been through the same difficulty in leaving, sometimes staff can divert his attention by him going to a new activity, but now sometimes I can just get him to rest on his bed and I always say "I'll be back!" (and then, I love you) - and it's usually OK.  You are doing the best thing, I know it's hard, I'm right there with you.  Take care.