Kicked out update

ElCy

DH is still at ER waiting for a bed. I read the notes from the ER docs and was totally shocked. He had declined more than I knew. He hates me and believes I am out to take his freedom and all his money. He believes he is the most powerful and important man in Nashville. He thinks he’s super wealthy. I also looked through his phone and found a message from some guy I’d never heard of who said that he was waiting near Walmart for Dennis. I blocked that caller right away.

Now that I’m home I realize how scared I will be if he comes home and still be levied this stuff. Going to look at facilities today just in case.

dayn2nite2

Continue telling the hospital if asked that he is unsafe to come back home with you.  It's concerning that he was meeting someone near Walmart.  What on earth could he have been planning with that person?

You may want to go tooling through any computer, tablet or a more in-depth look through his phone because anything is possible here.  Meeting someone near Walmart certainly doesn't speak to a professional appointment - was he giving money to this person to do something to get you out of the way?  Or just giving that person money to buy something for him?  Who knows - it's not benign, I'm sure.

Ed1937

It does sound like it may be unwise to take him back home, at least for now. You have absolutely no idea what might be in his mind. Medications might work, but it won't be overnight. Your safety is number one concern right now.

Jo C.

ElCy, I am so very sorry; these new revelations must be stunning and so stressful for you.  If you have not done so, it would be in your and your DHs best interests to speak to the ER MDs and the ER Social Worker regarding his delusions as well as his over the top behaviors and specifically request that he be sent to a GeroPsych Unit, even if it is at another hospital if they do not have one there.

The stranger in the WalMart parking lot, that is chilling and scary.  Since his hatred is delusionally focused upon you, I would fear what he was up to and also fear what that other person would have been willing to do to take advantage of your compromised husband OR if he would have been willing to do something to you if that is what your husband was planning.  Take this very seriously and let the doctors and psychiatrist know.

There is also the chance that he has a dementia induced psychosis and he had a significant need for professional inpatient care as that is more complex and difficult to deal with.  He CANNOT go home in such a state.  You can put on your invisible supergirl cape and absolutely refuse to take him back home at this time due to the danger as he is severely threatening, has attacked you and locked you out of the house and planning to meet a stranger in a WalMart parking lot to what purpose is unknown.  You cannot be forced to take him back home.

So; first order of the day is to ensure he will be transferred to a GeroPsych Unit.  If his behaviors are less florid because he has been given meds in the ER, that is NOT the treatment he needs and his acting out and his delusion driven behaviors will only resurface when no longer in he ER and you may indeed be in actual significant danger. 

Once that  has been accomplished that they know and will transfer him to GeroPsych, then it is time to meet with the Psychiatric Social Worker and absolutely, positively let him or her know you will NOT be taking him home again due to having been attacked; the danger and that you can no longer provide the care he needs at the higher acuity level at home and it is also compromising your own health.  Do not let the Social Worker or anyone else try to get you to take him home; that is the course of least resistance to anyone involved in Discharge Planning.  Stick to your guns.

Once he is admitted to GeroPsych and you let the Social Worker know he will not be coming home, (even if you think "maybe" you might try it, state you will not be doing so - you can adjust later), the Social Worker may have a list of care facilities best suited to your DHs needs.  You can add that to your own list and begin to screen possible long term care facilities.

It sounds like a lot, I know.  However, it really isn't and the end results will be well worth taking a bit more effort to get things done in the right way.

One question:  Did your husband have any mental health issues prior to the onset of dementia? 

Take good care of you, I know this is horribly hard; you are doing the best you can do under the circumstances.

J.

P.S.  I was speaking to my DIL, a Vet Tech; she was telling me that if a dog has constipation or hard stools one can feed them pumpkin which helps both problems. I so hope your little dog is doing well and that it can be helped with the pain that occurs with its stools by the Vet; that should not continue if being taken seriously by the Vet.  

MaryG123

That is shocking ElCy!  Now would be a good time to “lose” his phone and other internet connected gadgets, or modify them so they won’t connect.  It clearly isn’t safe for him to be on line.  Thank goodness you took action when you did!

ElCy

DH was admitted to a Geri psych unit today but there wasn’t a bed where he was so he took his third ambulance ride in 24 hours. There are no visitors allowed, which is probably a good thing. I’m hoping with medication he will be able to come home after awhile but I won’t allow it if I don’t feel safe. I toured my first Assisted Living /Memory Care place. It was great but a little too pricey. But it broke my heart imagining him there. 

Last night was the first time I’d alone in my house since before Covid. This morning I started going through every drawer and nook and cranny to see what I might find.

It’s really finally hit me that even if he returns, I’m alone.

Joydean

EICy, I’m glad they were able to get dh in Geri psych unit. Praying they can/will get the right meds for him. It’s hard realizing you are alone, but when you think back you have been alone even when he was in the house. So many of us are alone with dh/dw/lo sitting in the same room. EICy please take care of yourself! Try and get a good nights rest.

Joe C.

EICy, I glad to hear your husband is getting some help and you are getting a reprieve from all dealing with his delusions. DW went through a period of severe delusions believing that people were coming to hurt/kill us and keep trying to get out of the house all times of day & night. Medication did work to quell her delusions and allowed me to keep her home an additional 18 months. I hope the doctors can find the proper medication to help your husband.

Jo C.

Dear ElCy, it is wonderful that a GeroPsych admission was achieved.  This will hopefully bring success to your husband's much needed assessment and treatment.

I can well imagine how difficult this must all be for you and do hope for the very best for you.   Hopefully there will be an excellent Psychiatric Social Worker on your husband's unit that can lend some helpful information and support as things move forward.

Take good care and hopefully catch up on some much needed rest and let us know how you are doing,

J.

ElCy

DH is still in Geri psych. I’ve been looking at placement just in case. But I have no idea what will happen. Will he need memory care? Assisted living? Will he come back home? Then in the middle of the night I realized he may come back home but may not be able to be left alone, throwing me down the rabbit hole of what to do. We are totally alone. Quitting my job would be  financially devastating. I don’t know if he would except a caregiver in the house, same with day care.

Another note, I called the psych unit yesterday and the caregiver who answered asked me if I’d like to speak to DH. My heart was pounding. I asked if that would be okay. She said it was her first day on the unit. Obviously, she had no history of what was going in with him. I later spoke to the nurse who confirmed that it would not be a good idea for us to speak.

Ed1937

ElCy, I'm so sorry. I suggest that you don't quit your job unless that is an absolute last resort. You are young enough to have a long future in front of you.

Joydean

EICy, I totally agree with Ed. Don’t quite your job. And don’t bring him back home for his sake and yours. Let them place him so he can get the help he needs. The nurse said it’s not a good idea to even talk to him. Please take care of yourself!

jmlarue

You certainly need someone with the legal authority to stand in the breach in order to protect you and your husband from harm. The single best option is to call your nearest Department of Social and Health Services and ask to make a report to Adult Protective Services regarding your husband's dementia placing both of you "at risk." You'll need to be frank and forthcoming about the incidents of abuse you have experienced at his hands, as well as the emotional abuse that leaves you feeling fearful for your own safety and his. Explain the source of his violent behavior (dementia) and his current status as an inpatient in a Psych unit. Have notes of where he is currently in care including address, phone numbers, and names of doctors/social woerkers in charge of his care. Tell them your greatest fear is that the hospital will discharge him to your care even though his behavioral issues have not been resolved to keep either one of you safe from harm. The most helpful thing APS can do for you is to make it absolutely clear to the hospital discharge planner that it is their responsibility to only discharge him if they can assure that it does not endanger you or him in doing so. Keep in mind - IT IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO FIND A SUITABLE CARE FACILITY. That responsibility is rightfully theirs and they do not have the power to insist that you take him home. It is not considered abandonment if you refuse to allow your abuser to return to your care.

That being said, this won't guarantee your safety if you don't have the courage to follow through on protecting yourself. If your fear of living your life alone overrides your fear of being abused or facing death at his hand, recognize that as a mental health issue and your need to seek counseling to come to terms with that. This dementia journey never ends well, but it does end. Spouses are destined to become survivalists and it's relentless work to minimize the wreckage that dementia leaves in it's wake. Hopefully, you will find the voices of experience here will help you to find the right path to move forward.

If you have not consulted an Elder Law attorney yet, it is absolutely crucial that you do that without further delay. You should not be in a position to choose between financial ruination or living with the daily threat of physical harm. Explain to all and sundry that this is an urgent situation and you need legal advise within a short time. Keep searching for a lawyer until you find one who understands that time is of the essence. Yes, it will cost money for that advice. Sell the family jewels if you need to. You can cry, scream, or break all the dishes in frustration, but do it anyway. It's an investment in the future for both of you.

Holding you up in my thoughts and prayers.

Dio

JM: Thanks for your words of wisdom! I actually needed to hear that myself.

So grateful for this support group...

ElCy

DH is still in geri psych. They say he is okay when he takes his meds but mostly refuses to take them. He is scheduled for a neuropsych test, which will give hem a formal diagnosis and help determine what stage he is in.

I read the hospital notes and they mentioned he may be discharged on Thursday. I told him that would not work until I either find a place for him or he is safe to come home.

I’ve toured 11 places and have 6 more to see on Thursday. I just can’t imagine him in any of them. I’m looking at MC and AI. I just don’t know.

Social worker mentioned if he came home he would need supervision so I’ll have to look into home care as well.

On one of the tours I was asked what I want most for him. I answered, “I don’t want him to feel like he was thrown away, I don’t want him to feel like he’s in a hospital or institution. I want him to feel at home.”

I am beyond overwhelmed and in limbo.

dayn2nite2

ElCy wrote:

DH is still in geri psych. They say he is okay when he takes his meds but mostly refuses to take them. 

Look at what I bolded and underlined.  There is your answer.  He refuses even though there are multiple people encouraging him to take them.

You will be 1 person.  Alone.  Trying to get him to take meds.  It won't work.

Honestly, the fear I had was that he was going to beat you to death.  Is that him?  Of course not, but he has a disease that causes him to not be "him."

What you should want for him is to be SAFE.  That is not at home with you.

You should also want safety for yourself.  Again, that is not at home with you.

He was meeting someone near Walmart that he nor you know.  That is scary.

He is well beyond assisted living, so you can cut those from your list.

MaryG123

As dayn2nite2 eloquently stated, what we want is for you to be safe ElCy.  I doubt that your DH will ever feel at home anywhere again, as his brain won’t let him.  Safety, his and yours, should now be the priority and yes, he is beyond assisted living.  I’m so sorry.

M1

Elcy, I wanted my partner home too. But no one advised it. After six months in MC I'm reminded of why-she is unfailingly nice to everyone else but can become enraged with me. It's heartbreaking, but there's nothing to be done about it. Safety drives the decision making. You may have to make the least bad choice.

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

Sunrise24

Hi….I have not been on the site for a few weeks but your situation sounds very similar to mine.  I ended up having to call 911 because of similar behaviors.  Throwing me out of house, throwing my clothes in driveway, going to people’s houses and yelling.  I also found knives under bed..While in Geri-psych my husband don’t even think he was married to me.  They wanted me to take him home because he was stabilized but I could t based i. The fact that he did not even see me as his wife.  I had to find a memory care facility which was about 29 miles away.  After a few months he was doing really well and I made the decision to take him home.  Some staff there had even suggested it because he was the highest functioning one there.  He did great for three months and then he got auditory hallucinations.  Said the bad guys wanted to hurt him.  He would be anxious a lot and the psychiatrist that we were hooked up with increased his meds. He continued hearing voices and was very sad and asking why this was happening to him.. At one point he said the voices were telling him to hurt himself or to hurt me and he was afraid of what he might do.  I asked him if he wanted to go and talk to someone right now and he said yes.  After an assessment at a local behavioral health facility they thought it best to bring him to hospital where he stayed in ER for 3 days and having visual hallucinations while there and he went back to Geri-psych.  He was stabilized there but was still hearing voices.  I ended up placing him again instead of bringing him home.  He continued to hear voices there and was very anxious worrying about where his room was..After a month or so, an angel of a nurse practitioner that goes there met with him and was like a dog with a bone trying to stabilize him.  She said she thought his meds were all wrong and started different ones… He gradually improved and had not heard voices for at least four months and is doing well and is happy.  I still struggle with wanting to take him home and I have brought him here a few times and had neighbors over and had a good time.  He does not resist going back to memory care but just says he loves to be with me… I am retired and this facility costs a fortune and I, like you cannot afford it for very long and I may have to move him to Soldiers home where he will not get as good care and attention so that may be awful for him and me… My only fear with bringing him home is that the behaviors come back and there is no assurance that it will… I was pretty traumatized over what happened…. I truly feel for you and what you are going through… It is a horrible position to be in.  I spoke with NP and she said she thought I could bring him home but what would I do with him all day?  He sees a lot of activity where he is … She said I may end up being stressed and tired and in the situation now, he is getting the best of me … this is all true but finances unfortunately come into play and if the behaviors return, where does he go from there?  Geri-psych again and another placement somewhere else?? Please be good to yourself… I would love to hear from you and how things have been going…..

ElCy

DH is doing very well in Geri psych. I’ve been told he cannot be left alone. I work full time. He doesn’t need any help with personal care. If I find someone for home care they will just be sitting around babysitting for 9 hours a day and D H would probably kick them out.

I‘ve seen about 19 places and finally chose the one less than .5 miles from my house. Unbelievably it happens to be the cheapest and in all inclusive.

Assessment is sometime this week and then hopefully we can move him in.

He calls me multiple times a day to tell me how much he loves and misses me.

I don’t know how he will do in MC but he has adjusted very well to geri psych so .

I do know that not having the stress of being home with him and his behaviors has reminded me of who he was and how much I love him.

M1

Fingers crossed for you that it goes well ElCy.  Thanks for the update, I've been thinking about you.  Sounds like they've helped him in the geri psych unit.

Ed1937

ElCy, after a long struggle, it sounds like you are finally getting the help he desperately needs. He's lucky to have you in his corner.

toolbeltexpert

Elcy that's answered prayer. I am glad you were able to find a place so quickly, open beds are hard to find. Let's us know how it continues. 

Stewart