Help!! Need Tips for Getting Caregiver In The Door!!!

cw2502

Home health agency finally found the part time caregiver I need in the afternoon.  Problem is, DH won't let her in the door and can be downright mean and nasty to her.  If he's outside, he 'might' let her go in. [But once in, he usually goes on a rant about an hour in, that she needs to leave or he will call the police but she is usually able to redirect him].  

Caregiver not allowed to have a key to let herself in.  My neighbor has a key but I am not comfortable having anyone let her in if he himself is not in a kind, welcoming mood.

The stressful phone calls and his tirades to me while trying to get him to let her in is almost worse than the stress of worrying about him home alone. 

Once/IF he decides she can come in, he will usually warm up to her and be nice and hospitable.  It is very hard to find care these days and I really like her so I want this to work out!

Does anyone have any tips/tricks for me??  I would appreciate anything you can offer.  Thanks in advance.  

ImMaggieMae

We have a caregiver that is here 3 afternoons per week for 4 hours. A manager from the agency came with her the first time, to introduce her. She was just introduced by name, not as a caregiver. After the manager left, my sister who lives here and I stayed in the room and we all just sat around and talked for a couple hours. DH treated her like a guest and was very pleasant to her. Actually, he’s pleasant and hospitable to everyone, that’s just his nature. After a couple of hours my sister and I went upstairs and the caregiver remained, showing DH some pictures in a book and then watched TV with him.

The next time she came, he didn’t remember her name or question why she was here, but you could tell she was someone familiar to him. He got along with her right away. She’s very low key. It was no problem for her to change his Depends when needed. She is just a person he accepts as being here. He is never alone in the house.

Perhaps just treating her as a guest and a friend would work with your husband too. Try not to make a big thing of it.

MaryG123

Are you not there when she arrives?  You might need to treat her as a friend, or as help for you.

Jo C.

We had quite a problem with this and actually went through a couple of aides before I figured it out.

Next time, I interviewed several aides out of my LOs sight and chose the best fit and experience; clear English language speaking was also a must for success.  Then I put together a plan with the aide.

I had her come dressed in street clothes; no scrubs.  I introduced her as a friend who was here to visit and have coffee.  We sat and had coffee and cake and just talked . . . . LO included.  Then I did it again a couple of days later; the aide had begun to "groom" my LO.  All kindly attention and lovely talk was directed to my LO who seemed to enjoy the input.

The third time the "friend" came for coffee and dessert, I said I had something in the drier and left the room.  I stayed out of the room for about an hour and they continued to sit together being calm and then even watched a bit of TV.

So . . . the new "Friend," called my LO on the phone and talked for just a few minutes and asked if she could come and visit.  My LO was together enough to be able to do this and said, "Yes."  So; the Friend came to visit and I had an errand to run for a few hours . . . all went well.

This was the beginning and the "Friend" was accepted and when she went into wearing scrubs to save her clothing, it was not even noticed.

It is not always easy, but you will find a way.

J.

cw2502

Thank you all for your input.  I am not here when she arrives.  He gets "active" in the afternoon so she comes 3-7, which also allows me to go to exercise after work.  He is still very mobile and continent (only a few nightime accidents).  I failed to mention he usually thinks I am someone else, a "helper" myself.  So my explaining she is there to help me and help him goes right over his head.  Today I came home from work to be sure she got in and it has been nothing but h*** since I've been here; his 30 minute tirade to me about any and everything that pops to mind.  He flat out does NOT want her in the house and I have no say since "it's his house".  Of course, he needs his PM meds (which was also a goal for her to accomplish before I got home) but he's defiant about that.  She has only been coming about 3 weeks and it has been hit or miss all the way around, but more "miss" these days.  I'm surprised the lady comes back. He can chew her up and spit her out as well.  She is not skilled at all.  Actually has no experience dealing with ALZ patients but she has surprisingly held her own pretty much.  I do always say she's a friend and he seemed to really like her too when she came for the first visit with the supervisor.  

I just dont know where this will go and am very upset it's not working out.  

JJAz

Someone in another group suggested calling an outside caregiver a 'personal assistant.'  It seems to be accepted better than the word 'caregiver.'

Jo C.

Oh boy; not being experienced and not knowing a whit about dementia; not good for success.  Heaven only knows how she is communicating and reacting when alone with him since she has no clue.  That unintentionally may be contributing to your husband's intensity of reaction that continues.

Is there a way to find someone who has experience and a bit of training rather than settling for what is at hand?  May make a difference.  Otherwise, you may have to give up the evening exercise class for awhile until things are better settled with someone who has experience with working with persons who have dementia.

J.

cw2502

Jo C., you are probably 100% correct!  He is in the Star Waiver home program so I can only use agencies that take that program, and many do not.  Plus, a lot of them say they have a staffing shortage like many industries do now.  And finding someone who wants those part time hours is a further challenge (this gal already works a fulltime job, 4:00 am - 12:30 pm).  I envisioned light conversation/companionship, get him his meds and a light meal, so figured someone without the experience would be ok, since she is all they had.  [I am now thinking the timing is not ideal, but those are the hours I need right now.  He starts his "bewitching hour" around 4:00 but it may be creeping in a little earlier].  Of course, I can request someone else but bottom line, I don't think he is going to welcome anyone, ever.  The exercise class is preserving my sanity from my high stress job and my home life stress.  And I can't quit my job; my job pays the bills. (DH 10 years older).  I'll press on and see what happens. Thanks again all.

jfkoc

You are between a rock and a hard place.

If your husband does not know who you are he should not be by himself at all but you need to work.

My only thought would be to have the worker come earlier with a treat and you give up going to the gym for a while and walk/exercise at home. 

Things will change. The situation will always change so your flexibility will be maxed out. 

We truly understand and will always be here to listen and share what possibe soutions we may have.

Gig Harbor

Tell him that she is a student in a medical program at the local college and that he will be paid to train her. Explain that she is training to become a home assistant and she needs to get her hours in. Praise him for being someone who would be a great trainer.

cw2502

jfkoc; thanks!

Gig Harbor, that is a great idea, especially since he gets real mad that he is not getting paid "for all the work" he is doing around the house.  He constantly says he has no $$ (even though he does have $$ in his wallet) and doesn't understand when I say he doesn't need alot of cash because all his bills are paid for already.  [I told my brother your idea and he suggested using $1 bills so it looks like a lot of money]. 

The assistant just advised me she is going to need to go from 4 days to just 3 days, and might not make it today, or will be very late.  (She does have mandatory overtime at her regular job).  I can see the writing on the wall, and I don't blame her.  I'm sure the agency can find her plenty of jobs where the person is welcoming to her.  

If I lose her, I'll try the "bearing a gift" and "paying him" ideas with the next 'personal assistant'.  

Again, thank you all for your input.