Frustration(3)

Luv2travel

Sometimes it’s so hard to keep from getting loud with my mom.  Hard to keep from telling her “you just asked me this, you told me this a lot, “.  Sometimes I’m real patient , sometimes I lose my patience.  I have 2 brothers and I’m the one who visits her.  Sometimes I just want to yell at her.  Her hygiene is getting worse.  When I’m there on sundays I will give her a shower.  She says “you don’t think I know how to bathe?”  Well, she doesn’t go a good job.  Her table manners are getting worse also.

mommyandme (m&m)

Welcome Luv2travel to this place, sorry that you find a need to be here though.  You’ll get some great support and advice here.  I’m wondering if your mom is in a facility or at home? 

Patience has been difficult for me at times, I think it comes with the territory.  In the beginning I wasn’t sure what was really a symptom of my mom's dementia or her just being stubborn. Now that we’re well into late stage 7, I’m pretty sure it was mostly all dementia.  Patience will slowly come more regularly as you’re on this journey. I found if I wasn’t patient it made everything worse.  Patience is a win/win in this Dementia battle but the learning curve can be steep and for me, ominous.  Also smiling, validating her feelings and taking blame for things that werent my fault kept mom more calm. I believe, as caregivers, we MUST do the attitude adjustments because our LOs cannot. It does take time and practice so give yourself a break.  

Keep coming back! 

SusanB-dil

Hi Luv2travel - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

I agree with m&m - this is also our difficulty. DH & I care for MIL, and my brother & SIL care for mom. We have a saying between the 4 of us... "You can't reason with a cat" because too often, we find ourselves losing that patience and trying to reason with someone you cannot reason with. We know this! and yet, there we are attempting to do so. maybe habit?

Do you have POA and HIPPA accesses in place? You are visiting, so is she at home by herself, or is she in assisted living or a care facility? 

Iris L.

Luv2travel wrote:

When I’m there on sundays I will give her a shower.  She says “you don’t think I know how to bathe?”  Well, she doesn’t go a good job.  

Dementia has several characteristics, including memory loss, which most people are familiar with.  There is also loss of executive function, meaning loss of ability to perform tasks or functions, such as showering.  She just can't do this.  Also, dementia includes anosognosia.  The PWD truly believes she is fine and is doing everything as before.  There are articles on how to understand and approach anosognosia.  Please read, it may help with patience.  I am sorry, I cannot make a link.

Iris

CatsWithHandsAreTrouble

As with M&M, I too wasn't very patient with my mom. Then she pushed me into the wall a couple of times and I realized I needed to change my handling of her (it was based on well meaning but misguided tips from family anyhow).  

Whenever I start to lose my patience, I quickly finish whatever we're doing and I leave the area to let us both calm down. Sometimes it's a simple 5 minutes, the other day it was an hour and a half. I occasionally peek in on her and make sure she's not in danger of anything.

I'm so sorry that you're having trouble working with your mom. We're only human and sometimes we goof up. Try not to let it get to you. Apologize to yourself and your mom and move on. Patience is most certainly a learned skill and for some of us we have a large learning curve. 

Luv2travel

Mom is in an independent living apartment in a continuing care community.  They have assisted living and skilled nursing.  I try to visit at least once every 2 weeks.  I work nights so it can be hard for me to visit more often with my schedule.  We speak just about daily.  I moved from Philadelphia just so I could be nearer to her.  I still live almost an hour away, due to where my job is.  I’m working with my therapist on learning to be more patient with her.  It’s this darn* disease I’m mad at, not her.

Luv2travel

All the legal stuff is in place.  She needs help with her diabetes management but won’t listen or accept outside help.  I vent to my therapist and bffs.

mommyandme (m&m)

Keep venting and then vent some more. This is all very difficult.

bayviewgal

Luv2travel wrote:

Sometimes it’s so hard to keep from getting loud with my mom.  Hard to keep from telling her “you just asked me this, you told me this a lot, “.  Sometimes I’m real patient , sometimes I lose my patience. 

I understand what you mean about patience. I tend to say those same things to my husband(he's 61) AND getting loud with him. The main reason I get loud is because when he doesn't answer me it's because I don't think he heard me and then he gets mad at ME and tells me not to yell at him. Sometimes he seems to be looking right at me when I'm talking to him and i get no response or acknowledgment to what I just said and that gets me frustrated as well and I start to lose patience which sometimes starts an argument.  I know it's not his fault, it's this darn* disease and i'm sad alot of the time because of it.