Mom is withdrawing from her social activities

amandalee

Hi Everyone,

My husband, 15-year old daughter, and I moved from out of state a few months ago to live next door to Mom, because we wanted to be here for her as her memory declines.  Her short-term memory is pretty bad, but prior to our move, she had still been going to her women's club activities/luncheons.  It could be my imagination, but it seems she has noticeably declined since we arrived.  It's almost as it she is relieved that we're her to support her/take her to doc appts, etc., and she can now let go a little, and relax.  And by the way, she is so happy we're here. 

Anyway, now, as she is pretty aware of how bad her memory has gotten, I think she is very nervous about continuing her social activities - due to confusion, forgetting people's names, etc.  My sister thinks we should keep pushing her to go to her social functions, because socializing is "good for the brain", but I empathize with Mom, and I see how much it is stressing her out.  Can anyone remember this stage of their loved one's dementia?  Am I doing the wrong thing if I allow her to withdraw? 

Gratefully,

Amanda

M1

Welcome Amanda.  How fortunate that the move has worked out for you guys so far.

I think all PWD withdraw eventually, and how much and how fast and whether to "allow" it is a judgement call.  I clearly saw this with my partner for years during her gradual decline (she is now in memory care).  Keeping up with others just got to be too much.  Mind you she was always an introvert, but she had a wide circle of professional friends and acquaintances and was (still is) extremely charismatic.  

My personal instinct would be to let your mother call the shots on what she is comfortable with.  My partner was also embarrassed by her lapses (she frequently would ask if other people "knew"), and then she would start to misremember events and couldn't keep up with conversations, so she felt left out, even in small groups.  Now in memory care, very few of her previous friends visit--just me and three other close friends who tend to go together to see her.  She responds much better to their visits than to mine, because i remind her of what she has lost.

Is your sister there to observe closely, or are you the more direct person?  I would, again, tend to trust your instincts.

dayn2nite2

I would not keep pushing her.  One thing that surprises some is that older ladies who are intact cognitively can be kind of "Mean Girl" when there is someone whose memory may not be so sharp.  You can see it in independent living/assisted living settings where those who are aware actively avoid the person who is not because they may need help understanding what's going on or with an activity.

If she doesn't want to go, don't make her.  Inform your sister that your mom may be suffering some subtle avoidance/bullying at the activities and she is overwhelmed.  Her best setting is going to be a familiar place and familiar people.

harshedbuzz

Amanda-

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here, but glad you found this place.

To your question, socialization is beneficial to a point, but the approach needs to change as the disease progresses. I saw this in my own dad. He'd been the social butterfly/life of the party until dementia hit. In the earlier stages, his lack of social filter resulted in being disincluded by all but his closest family and friends. As he hit the mid-stages, he began to enjoy gatherings less and less. He went from enjoying his birthday at an outdoor patio dining room with a table of 6 including his brother in July, to snarling at mom's birthday at a favorite restaurant in February. We did Thanksgiving at his house as 6 and he got up mid-meal and asked us all to leave. 

She's not going to do well in larger groups where she's required follow conversations. And she's already getting a lot of human interaction from having your family in and out. She might be OK with one other very good friend for a shopping and lunch date but bus tours with the Red Hat Ladies are probably beyond her comfort level now. 

It's not clear if your sister is your equal in caring for mom in terms of boots on the ground. If she isn't she may be one of the well-meaning but clueless who feel their contribution is advice based on "the feels". These folks often think the brain is some sort of muscle that can be strengthened by exercises like crossword puzzles and reading. It doesn't work that way.

HB

Rescue mom

My experience is much like Harshedbuzz. My DH (mid-stage Alzheimer’s) was Mr. Party; we had, and attended, countless social events and groups. He was always the first to go, or say “let’s have a party for…” and talked with everybody.

Then (long story short) at events and parties, he started going off by himself, getting away from others. He often said he wanted to go, but once there….nope. In 10-15 minutes, it was “I want to go home.” He couldn’t remember old friends, and couldn’t really follow conversations, although he was good at smiling and nodding, for a short time. 

Then it was “I want to stay home.” If family and close friends came to the house, he would last maybe 10 minutes, then leave for a quiet room.

I feel now like I pushed him too much in those earlier days, when I thought he needed more social interaction. But all it ever did was make him unhappy, at best. Their brain is losing power/abilities, socializing gets harder and won’t help if it distresses them. She’s not isolated, with what you’re doing now.

CarolynATL

I think you hit the nail on the head with her being increasingly nervous.  It sounds like she knows she can relax with you and not have to pretend.  Your sister may not know that their brains need downtime too.  I had to let go of the desire to keep dad involved in every activity at AL.

Kibbee

It seems like for many PWD a withdrawal from social gatherings is part of the disease progression.  Over the summer I had a couple small dinners at our home.  At the first one DH came outside on the deck to eat with us but after eating he wanted to go back into the house and watch TV.  At the second one he did not even come outside, but instead wanted to stay inside the whole time.  It has become increasingly difficult for him to follow and participate in group conversations, so it is most likely not enjoyable for him any more.  One on one conversations work better for him.  My friends are aware of this and each individually took time to go inside and visit with him.

I try to support DH in whatever works best for him.  If he is happiest being on his own watching TV, then that’s what I let him do.

amandalee

I am immensely grateful for everyone's responses to my first post. I have been a little underwater since our move here, mainly getting my own family settled here. [It proved to be much more difficult for my husband and daughter than I anticipated.] So, I forgot that I even posted months ago. Anyway, this is about Mom. Thank you so much, everyone! I am the boots-on-the-ground daughter, and my sister visits several times a year. She and I have settled into a nice partnership of her trusting my instincts, since I'm here with Mom daily, and me feeling free to call her to vent or get advice on more practical things (such as issues with the house, property, etc.). I went to a women's club meeting/luncheon with her and came to find out how much she is loved and cared about there. She has been in the club for 10 years. She also had such a great time, and has had fun with each one since then. I'm not sure how much longer she'll feel comfortable going there without me; I'll cross that bridge when it comes and maybe join the club. Anyway, I'm taking the advice to trust my instincts and also follow her lead. Thanks again.

CanyonGal

My mother withdrew from activities and visiting friends. She couldn't follow the conversation unless she was the one talking, often repeating herself. She did better with one on one conversations. The circle of friends gets smaller the further the dementia stage.

She is fortunate to have you and your family nearby.