Another argument about the money

Quilting brings calm

I find myself stressed out again and could use advice.  My sted-dad sets  my blood boiling every time he does this and I’m no longer capable of being around him for more than a few minutes, nor is it working well trying to appease his paranoia  politely. This time it’s due to the Illinois state tax rebates- he and mom got a $100 check made out  jointly to them.   A $100.  He wants to keep the check because he’s ‘tired of people ( meaning me) stealing HIS money’.  Ha! I want to mail it to their out if state joint bank account once it is signed. 

They do not have a joint account up here any longer.  They had one, but it’s been replaced with one in Mom’s and my name.   Background:  they sold their house up here several years ago, and put sale money in their joint account up here - accessible only by them. Basically turned it into an emergency fund.   Then they moved out of state, opened a joint  account there.  Set up all their direct deposits and automated withdrawals to the account local to them.  When Mom’s medical crisis  happened three years ago,  they added myself and my sister to that joint account local to them.  Dad was supposedly in agreement with all that.  We figured out within a few days that they could not remain out of state, and dad agreed to a move back to my state.  Arranged for movers to store the big stuff.  The morning the movers arrived, he ‘decided’ ( or admitted) that he wasn’t coming, and  claimed both vehicles and his personal stuff.   Of course, we’d already notified the senior living landlord they were moving and already  had the  cashiers check for the movers, plus mom was basically a zombie.  Then he went to the bank with a friend and opened an account in his own name  and moved 99% of the money from the joint account to his account.  Leaving me with no money for her once I got  up to my hone state.  Which I didn’t know until after we had left town with her.    She was in no condition to go to the bank up here. 

He showed up two days later.  Because he had no home, no furniture, was incapable of managing a checking account or adulting  because  she’d always been the adult. 

When mom recovered from  urosepsis, the doctors up here refused  to even consider any dementia or cognitive  issues, claiming it was all due to the urosepsis.  So when she felt up to it, she moved the joint account up here to an account with her  and I. So that she would always  have access to money.   I stepped back and has her handle all that with the banker and then she gave me full POA.  

So 3 accounts, his, hers and theirs.  I’ve got all 3 checkbooks.   I’ve been paying all their bills from whatever account had money to do it- theirs,  hers ( their emergency fund)  and putting written checks from his account in front of him to sign for ‘his’ non automated bills.   He complained every time that I was ‘stealing his money’ by wanting him to pay bills from his  account.  They sold a vehicle a couple months ago, and I mailed that check to the joint account.  I told him that our enough money in the joint account, that I wouldn’t need him to sign any more checks from his account.  I could pay his bills from the joint account. 

Yet he is  bound and determined  that he wants an  account up here.  Hence the reason for keeping the $100 check. I know part of it is because he can’t figure out how to get money from an ATM up here with his debit card even though I’ve explained it repeatedly.  He doesn’t understand the PIN number.   sometimes he can’t figure  out how to use his debit card at the gas station( he has a low limit credit card too).   Then he will want his pension and social security to be transferred to it, and I’m afraid someone will be persuaded to help him with that.  Then there will not be enough money in the joint account account to pay their bills. I’ve already moved her Medicare supplement and part d payments to be done from her account so that I know they will get paid   

He will not sign a full POA. I’ve asked him several times.  He did recently get a stage 4 dementia diagnosis  from a neuropsychologist based on 3 hours of testing and a history that I helped provide.  However I do not want to petition for guardianship as -a) he’s not far enough along to he easily declared incompetent  and b) I intend to walk away from him if mom dies first. 

Any thoughts on the conversation I need to have with him every time extra money shows up to be put somewhere?  Or when the vehicle money gets used up next year and the  joint account can’t pay all the bills again? I am supposed to go to their AL this afternoon so they can sign the $100 check. 

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Quilting brings calm

Update:  after stewing for hours, and cussing a blue streak in my car, I made it through politely.

We discussed their upcoming doctor appointments, mom’s medications, things going on at the assisted living center. Then I  brought  the check out to sign. He wanted to keep it and mom wanted him to split it with her once he cashed it.  Cashed it where of course? Not sure he’d find a bank  to cash a check for a non customer.  I reminded him he has a debit card for ‘his own account ’ .  He commented ‘ why should I use money out of my account for spending money instead of the joint account’.  So we had the entire discussion  again about the fact that the money in the joint account needs to be used to pay the bills, and I reminded him how much the bills were again, etc etc.  along with the fact that they don’t have an active debit card for the out of state joint account. 

As usual, he never tells me that anyone is stealing money when I am in front of him, he berates mom about it in private and she comes  crying to me. 

Victoria- you are right about  my mental  health.  However, there’s not enough money for the two of them to live separately.  The income and savings split combined with the increased costs of two separate ALs would mean they’d each be out of savings in a year. Neither would have enough income to pay for an AL, since dad would have to give part of his income to her for equality purposes.  That would mean I’d be responsible for their care 24/7 as long as she lives because she’d never let me walk away from him.  Their assets are cash, a 10 year old car, and furniture.   I’ve done what  I can to protect the money that is left in the account up here by getting his name off the account.  I’ve gotten him to sign checks for bills from his account for three years, using up 3/4 of the money he moved.  

I don’t think APS would have  gotten involved last time because he was legally entitled to move  the money.  In fact, people on this forum are advised to move money out of their joint account all the time for safekeeping.  If he hadn’t shown up here so quickly three years ago, we might have gotten a lawyer involved for a separation even though the end result would still have been as I mentioned above.