Are there ways to cope?

Care4Mom2

My DH and I have been in our new house for 4 months. Last night a neighbor had a “meet ‘n greet” for several people in the neighborhood (we are all new to the area). My DH was interacting with people, as was I. Most of the people wore name tags. At 3-1/2 hours into it, my DH told me he was going home. Okay… I stayed for another 3 hours. 

This morning my DH was real apologetic for leaving. He was sorry he embarrassed me. I told him I wasn’t embarrassed. (A long time ago I stopped being embarrassed be what someone else does….) My DH explained that he would talk to someone at the party and know their names, but the next minute didn’t (even the names of our immediate neighbors). He said names were going in and out if his head. He said the shear volume of people (maybe 20-30) overwhelmed him.

I wasn’t close to him when he was having conversations, but I do wonder how much he repeated himself….

This morning he kept telling me (over and over) how overwhelmed  he was and how there has to be some way he can cope. I don’t know what to tell him. I know I would avoid a situation where I would feel uncomfortable. I don’t have a problem doing things by myself if he doesn’t want to go. We are in a new neighborhood, a new state, and I need to meet people and continue living and enjoying life. He understands that, or so he says.

Have you experienced this? Are there ways to cope? 

Ed1937

It's not uncommon for PWD to feel overwhelmed by crowds. I would say to exclude him from large crowds, maybe keeping the max number of people to around four others or so. Maybe he can do a little more than that. Trial and error will give you the answer to that. 

I would even go as far as telling a few of the neighbors you feel comfortable with about his dementia. Explain how crowds affect him. You might ask that they don't mention it to him personally. Most people will be kind, and accept his limitations. Others might have different ideas, and they will respond.

EDIT: You might also reconsider how much time you are away from him. Not because of his limitations, but because you don't want him to feel like you're having a good time, and leaving him alone.

Care4Mom2

Thank you, Ed. I was thinking along those lines. My DH said he wanted to apologize to the neighbors. Not sure what he’d say. I said that some people left early and I am sure no one noticed. (When I was leaving, the hostess did ask where he was.) I think your suggestion is a good one.

Joshbi

I am amazed that your husband stayed 3 hours at a  meet-and-greet before he had enough! . Striving to mingle and chat for that long speaks volumes about his need to be a good neighbor and a caring husband. He sure didn’t want to let you down! The fact that you stayed another 3 hours after he left suggests to me that he is in the very early (mild impairment?) stages of dementia and is able to function independently at home.  (Unlike your husband, I could never stay 3+ hours at a neighborhood party, and I’m supposedly the healthy one!)

 My DW was always the social one who could make small talk or “deep” talk depending on the event. Now that she’s in Stage 7 and can only manage a few stock-response phrases, I have vivid and fond memories of her ease at social events, fundraisers, etc. I now make an effort to engage with neighbors since DW is in MC, but it still feels very strange and even uncomfortable socializing without her. I have to fight the idea that I’m being patronized. DW’s  progression from MCI to Stage 7 spanned  about 8 years.  I think that you will someday look back wistfully on your husband’s efforts to be as friendly and interested in others as you are. The fact that he didn’t want to let you down is endearing, admirable, and heartbreaking. I wish you both the very best as his dementia progresses—hopefully you still have several years to enjoy each other’s company before he needs constant care. I agree that it’s a good idea to let trusted neighbors know what your situation is. The compassionate ones will be in your corner once the fair-weather friends fade away. Warm regards, Josh 

Care4Mom2

Thank you, Josh. Yes, my husband is fully functional. He was diagnosed with MCI in 2020. His memory issues started AT LEAST 3 years before that. So, I expect things will start getting worse with every passing month. Interestingly, he had a “Medicare Wellness” check for the first time last week. The “test” result indicated there was “no cognitive impairment.” Right. We were told by the neurologist in 2020 that “intelligent” people tend to score higher on the cognitive tests than they really are. She is the one who diagnosed him initially. So, two years later, we really don’t have a definitive diagnosis…

MaryG123

My DH and I were invited to a neighbor’s house for drinks and a tour of their garden this evening.  We have only just met them, so I was nervous about how it would go.  During introductions, the husband explained that he has memory issues, and to please excuse any mistakes.  My DH replied that he does too, and they sat and chatted for an hour about their early careers, while she and I admired the landscaping.  You just never know.

Gig Harbor

I don’t have dementia and I think 3 hours would have been my limit too. LOL  He sounds like a very nice man. Good luck on your journey.

Paris20

I told my neighbors about my husband early on. My husband never became a wanderer but at the beginning I didn’t know. We can’t predict what symptoms each individual will have and when they’ll appear. We talk about taking a village to raise a child but it also helps to have a village to support our neighbors with dementia. One warning. It may be time to stop sending DH anywhere on his own. Again, we never know when a new and potentially dangerous symptom will arise. Say nothing about the true reason for accompanying him. Make up a fiblet instead.

dayn2nite2

If there is little pleasure and much anxiety in gatherings, then he should not be attending them.

As the disease progresses, the PWD's world needs to become smaller and simpler for them to be able to deal with it.

nathanlade

Yes, there are ways to cope. The first thing you should do is to talk to your peers and find out what they think about the situation. Still you can get rushessays help to write your assignment easily. It might be that they're suffering from the same problem as well. Another thing you can do is to talk to your parents or guardians. They will know how to help you out in this situation. Lastly, if all of this still doesn't work out, there's always suicide as a last resort.

M1

REported

Dio

I don't have any solutions to offer, just adjusting as we go along this treacherous road. A few months ago my DH would get extremely scared/agitated prior to a social event, a group gathering or lunch with a friend, cuz he "doesn't know what to talk about." So each time I would tell him to just go with the flow, that topics will be brought up naturally. Then he would really enjoy the gathering until people brought up work projects that became a blur and he'd get really agitated. But most of the time, after the event he'd say he had a really good time and should do this more often. Nowadays, the "I don't know what to talk about" has been replaced by "I have nothing to wear ... I only have this one pair of shoes ... I don't have anything in my pockets."

How can I even begin to fix this? No, I can't. But I believe he still needs to be comforted around family and friends. So we will continue gingerly until things change again.