It's Time for Memory Care Placement and I'm Heartbroken

SallyCat76

My DH and I just celebrated our 46th wedding anniversary. Love of my life!  

He is 73 years old and was diagnosed with AlZ in 2016 (and in hindsight I realize that he was exhibiting symptoms for a few years before that). 

He was in a very active day program for 1 1/2 years, and it was wonderful.  When he began needing a little more care than their facility provided, I moved him to a day care program inside in a Memory Care facility.  He has been there for the last 6 months and seems to be adjusted to the residents and staff. 

I have reached the point where I am struggling with him while he is home with me. He is somewhat incontinent. His communication skills are all but gone. He speaks but it makes no sense. He is paces constantly, never resting, constantly calling my name over and over again. I feel like I am losing my mind. He is up 3-4 times a night and I am up with him. I run on about 4 hours a sleep a night and it is killing me. The big problem now is that he has become physically aggressive when I am dealing with his needs.  Last week he tried to choke me while I was trying to get him to the bathroom.  I know this is not him, it is this horrible disease. 

I have made the painful decision to place him permanent in the Memory Care facility. I have come to terms with this decision, but I am struggling on how to tell him.  He still knows me and is still somewhat aware. I guess I am feeling so guilty in putting him there and I am at a loss as to how to do it.  I know you have had similar experiences, any advice you have please share. Thanks!!  

JoseyWales

No real advice for you, but it does sound as if it's time. My DH was at a similar point when I placed him. It was the not sleeping at night that really put me over the edge. 

I found that once I placed DH and was able to step back (and sleep a few solid nights), I realized he was a lot more compromised that I thought he was. Most of the other residents in his MC were actually functioning higher than DH was.

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Ed1937

Sally, I totally agree with Victoria. Every.single.word. I'm sorry.

Gig Harbor

Tell him that you have to have surgery and will be in the hospital for three weeks. Make sure you stress that you will be OK but that it will take a few weeks. Tell him your doctor suggested that he stay at the facility you have chosen and they will take great care of him. I recommend not visiting for at least two weeks so that he becomes used to everyone there. Good luck.

Marie58

SallyCat76, it sounds like it's time. I placed DH over 2 years ago. Lack of sleep on my part was one of the big reasons. There were other reasons too, but sleep is pretty important for the caregiver.

My DH went to the day program where he is currently placed, so I think that made his transition easier. He knew the staff and residents, they knew him, and he kind of knew the routine. I didn't visit for a week or two and he settled right in. If placement for your DH is at the MC he attended, I hope it helps him, too. 

As far as telling him, I wouldn't tell him in advance. Others have used fiblets that have seemed to work. I felt guilty too, thinking DH would be waiting at the door for me as he often did at pick up time. He seemed to have an internal clock and knew when I was coming. But that didn't really happen. The staff are experienced and will keep him occupied.

Blessings to you and DH.